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94d31f862533b39ee2f8649b21fa2ba9845d0b6e13acb84db3

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Shih... What??

We went to the zoo yesterday. What a let down. It was in a trailer park and they had only one animal. A shitzu. Rip off.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/17/shih-what/

I'm Not Crazy!!

Some people call me crazy. I know! I don’t like that word. I prefer “Mad as a March hare.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/16/im-not-crazy/

I'm Being Mugged!!

I think if I were being mugged, instead of yelling “Help!”, I would yell, “Free Donuts!” because who doesn’t love a free donut?

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/15/im-getting-mugged/

Valentine's Day. The Worst Day of the Year!!

Never give Valentine's cards unless you're REALLY in love with the person. Every card is like "You're my soul mate, I couldn't live without you, I can't imagine life without you, etc." There should be cards that say, "Even though you're not the one, things are OK."

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/14/valentines-day-the-worst-day-of-the-year/

Panda Express!!

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats it, shoots the waiter, and walks out. The owner yells for him to stop. "You order food, kill my waiter, then leave without paying!" The bear says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The owner Googles "panda bear" and read "Panda: a bear-like marsupial who eats shoots and leaves."

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/13/panda-express/

My Dog has ADHD!!

Me: Do you have ADHD?
Friend: I don’t think… Wanna go for a run?

Http://jerrymabbott.com

I Was Shot Down Asking for a Date!!!

Brian Williams is a very funny guy. So he lied about getting shot down in a helicopter. Haven't we all? I certainly was. I joined the Army when I was 12. To fight in Vietnam. Obviously, I had to lie about my age.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/11/i-was-shot-down-asking-for-a-date/

Sore Loser - Kanye!!

I was walking along with my "worlds best friend" coffee mug when Kanye West walked up and slapped it outta my hands Screaming "Beyonce is the worlds best friend!"

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/09/sore-loser-kanye/

We Shattered It!!

They say that “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. If that’s the case, I must not be in love with my wife.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/07/we-shattered-the-record/

Yikes! I Messed Up!

This morning I wished my wife a happy anniversary. She reminded me that it is tomorrow. We’ll have a happy anniversary tomorrow, but now I’m not so sure about today.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/06/yikes-i-got-it-wrong/

Blooming Idiot!

A new business owner’s friend sent flowers for the opening, but the card read “Rest in Peace”. The angry owner called the florist, who said, “Sir, I’m really sorry, but don't be angry, imagine this: Somewhere there's a funeral and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/04/blooming-idiot/

Biscuit Heaven!

Two English biscuits were at the Pearly Gates, but Saint Peter said there was only room for one of them. He let them plead their case. The first one said, "Well, I was created to please others." The second one whispers in Peter'sI ear, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but that other one is a cracker."

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/03/biscuit-heaven/

Rubber Chicken!

It was dinner time on an Air France flight from Los Angeles to Paris. The flight attendant moved down the aisle, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?” “What are my choices?” “Yes or No,” The attendant said.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/31/rubber-chicken/

Taking the Bullet!

Crickets are really cool little creatures. I love to listen to them at night, unless I’m doing my act.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/30/taking-the-bullet/

The Bachelor!

I think it would be funny if the girls on the bachelor had to take polygraphs with the bachelor in the room. It would certainly speed up the game.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/27/the-bachelor/

Ice Cycles!!

It was so cold in Idaho this past weekend, there were ice cycles inside  the house!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/26/ice-cycles/

I Caught 12 Pounds of Ice!!

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go fishing today. I said "Really? Isn't that your anniversary?" He said, "It doesn't matter. She hasn't even talked to me in two years." I said, "Don't let her go! Women like that are hard to find!"

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/23/i-caught-12-pounds-of-ice/

Hey, My Footballs are Leaking!

The term Super Bowl should be changed to Super Balls this year.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/22/hey-my-footballs-are-leaking/

What the Heck is THAT Thing??

Heather and I went to an art gallery recently. I overheard a woman, staring at a painting which was abstract. Lots of colors with no discernable pattern or shapes. The woman told the artist she didn’t “get” the painting. He told her he likes to put what he feels on canvas. She said, “Have you tried Pepto Bismol?” That guy was pissed!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/21/what-the-heck-is-that-thing/

Hey You!!

I’m 18 years older than my wife and sometimes her name slips my memory. Once, I used the wrong name. I ended up losing 30 pounds with my jaw wired shut.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/20/hey-you/

I Have a Dream!

"My friends and I decided to celebrate Martin Luther King day, but we, being the idiots that we are, went to the Cracker Barrel" ~ Heather Mabbott

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/19/i-have-a-dream/

Shocking!!

Note to self: Never again check to see if an electrical outlet is working by inserting two ends of a paperclip.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/17/shocking/

Ah, What a Massage!

Yesterday, I went to get a shiatsu massage, but I accidentally asked for a shitzu massage. The guy punched me in the face for a half hour. Mission accomplished.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/14/ah-what-a-message/

You're Hired!!

Once, during a job interview, the guy asked me if I had ever taken illegal drugs. I joked, "Only on Tuesdays, because every other day of the week is forbidden by my religion." The guy actually terminated the interview right then.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/13/youre-hired/

They Did WHAT??

Women think "Sleepless in Seattle" was a romantic movie. I disagree. Clearly, she was stalking him and therefore the movie should have only been allowed to air on Lifetime.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/12/they-did-what/

Television - Yes!!

Heather and I were sitting in the living room discussing a living will. I said, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” Heather got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of the beer.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/11/television-yes/

Going Down With The Ship!!

Last night I dreamed that I was on a sinking ship. I was freaking out. Turns out I just had a hole in my air mattress.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/10/the-titanic/

The Bachelor! He Picked WHO??

This season, the producers of “The Bachelor” decided to increase the number of contestants to 30, up from 25. One man surrounded by 30 women, all vying for his time. In Utah, we just call that family.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/08/the-bachelor-he-picked-who/

Time Capsule! Drum Roll, Please!!

If I were going to bury a time capsule, I think I would include a jack-in-the-box, open, with the lid to the box holding the clown down. When someone opened it, they would probably wet themselves.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/07/time-capsule-drum-roll-please/

Smart Drunk Guy!!

Last night, the doorbell rang at 3 am. I ran to the door and discovered a slightly drunk guy asking me for a push. I told him to wait until I got dressed. Then, he was gone. I yelled, “Where are you?” He said, “Over here, on the swing.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/05/smart-drunk-guy/

Run Forrest, Run!

My wife is a runner. She’s not very fast, though. She almost escaped from me three times.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/03/run-forrest-run/

We Got Ripped Off!!

Marty McFly, in “Back to the Future II”, promised us hover boards among other things, but most of all, time travel! Where is it??

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/02/we-got-ripped-off/

Happy New Year! What? Nothing Changed??

Well, its here. 2015. Kinda feels like yesterday, except I'm exhausted from celebrating the arrival of the New Year.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/01/happy-new-year-what-nothing-changed/

Happy New Year. I Did WHAT???

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/30/happy-new-year-i-did-what/

Take My Wife, Please!!

I met a guy at a Christmas party this year, and asked about his year. He said, “I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle and the love of a beautiful woman. Suddenly, it was all gone.” I said, “What happened?” He said, “My wife found out!”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/27/take-my-wife-please/

T'was the Night Before Chris... What Just Happened??

Note to self: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/24/twas-the-night-before-chris-what-just-happened/

Exhausted!!

Yesterday was exhausting! My computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking. Ugh.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/23/exhausted/

Did That Really Happen???

Yesterday, I pretended that it was Sunday, the Dolphins won and I didn’t have to work this week. It was fun. Wait… That’s all true. Now I have to start all over again.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/22/did-that-really-happen/

Popeyes Chicken!

I think it would be funny if Popeyes fried their chicken in Olive Oil.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/21/popeyes-chicken/

Back Up! Back Up!

I think the computer in my car runs on Windows because the car keeps crashing.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/20/back-up-back-up/

The Interview - No One Got the Job!!

The North Korean hack scandal has Sony and the rest of the entertainment world reeling. I think we should send Dennis Rodman over to smooth things out.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/18/the-interview-no-one-got-the-job/

You Have the Right to Remain Silent!!

I was arrested yesterday for the first time in my life. A jerk tried to give me a Christmas greeting, so I decked him. I don’t like being called Mary.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/17/you-have-the-right-to-remain-silent/

Another Dead Christmas Tree!!

“I think that I shall never see, something as ugly as a dead Christmas tree.” ~ me

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/16/another-dead-christmas-tree/

Double or Nothing!!

A foreigner who couldn’t read English approached me at the ATM I was using and asked me to help him check his balance … so I pushed him over.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/14/double-or-nothing/

Christmas Vacation

"I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree!" Classic Chevy Chase line just before the tree bursts forth in every direction, breaking windows and swallowing him.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/13/my-favorite-christmas-movies/

Scam!!!

After being stuck in a muddy road, a guy paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. He told the farmer that at those prices, he should be pulling people out of the mud night and day. "Can't", said the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/12/scam/

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

Santa’s not coming to our house anymore. There’s only room for one jolly fat man around here.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/11/oh-christmas-tree-oh-christmas-tree/

Pong! The Greatest Video Game Ever?

When my son was a kid, he played so many video football games, he came down with Madden Cow Disease.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/09/pong-the-greatest-video-game-ever/

It's A Matter Of Opinion!

This Christmas, instead of presents, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/07/its-only-a-matter-of-opinion/

Modern Family

Modern Family is exactly like The Waltons, except they don’t all live in the same house, they constantly fight with each other and Pa doesn’t work with wood for a living. Um, actually, forget it. They’re not even close.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/02/28/modern-family/

Are You Insane??

A preacher noticed a little boy trying to ring a doorbell but it was just out of his reach. The Rev walks over to help the boy. After he pressed the doorbell, he asked, “Now what?” The boy turned and shouted, “NOW WE RUN!!”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/04/are-you-insane/

You Have Poor Taste, Bud!!

Recently, I have lost most of the ability to taste. I'm not sure what the problem is yet, but at least now I can eat my Mother-in-law's cooking.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/03/you-have-poor-taste-bud/

Cookie Bytes??

The Girl Scouts announced that they will now sell cookies on line. This is going to be very confusing. Will you have to set your browser to accept cookies?

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/02/cookie-bytes/

Root for Who?? Are You Kidding Me??

What do you get when you cross-breed BYU football and a groundhog? Six more weeks of bad football! Before I get ripped apart by Cougars, read my blog. You'll understand.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/01/root-for-who-are-you-kidding-me/

An Idiot Choosing a Smart TV!!

I've been searching for a Smart TV on my Smart phone, but I was contacted by the FCC, who said that someone with my IQ can only have one Smart item at a time.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/30/an-idiot-choosing-a-smart-tv/

Enough with the leftovers already!!

The best thing to do with Thanksgiving leftovers is make sure all of the food is secure in plastic containers, throw all of the containers away and buy new ones.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/29/enough-with-the-leftovers-already/

Thanksgiving!!

This day is the grocery store version of Black Friday. It gets crazy. Sometimes my wife and I get separated, but I never go look for her. I look for a beautiful woman to you talk to for a couple of minutes because every time I do, my wife appears out of nowhere.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/26/thanksgiving/

Canadian Deception!!

I used to travel to Canada a great deal. Each time I entered the country, the customs agent would always ask me what the purpose of my visit was. I always said, I'm making a sales call. It always worked until I got the same agent three times. The guy said, "You make a lot of sales calls here!" I said, "I'm not very good." The guy had no sense of humor. I was interrogated for 45 minutes.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/24/canada-the-deceiver/

Black and Blue Friday!!

Due to the number of fights that broke out last year, retailers have renamed Black Friday to Black and Blue Friday.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/23/black-and-blue-friday/

Doing impressions!!!

This weekend, I’m going to do an impression of Christopher Walken doing and impression of me. I might just be able to pull it off.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/03/25/doing-impressions/

I Now Pronounce You... Wait, What the Heck am I Doing???

Charles Man­son, 80, con­victed of con­spir­acy to com­mit mul­tiple murders, has ob­tained a li­cense to marry 26 year old Af­ton Elaine Bur­ton, who he’s been seeing for the past seven years. The couple will honeymoon in their minds because he’s not allowed conjugal visits.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/19/i-now-pronounce-you-wait-what-the-heck-am-i-doing/

Survey THIS!

On this date in 1901, George Horatio Gallup, American journalist and statistician was born. At least that’s what they say. What do you think?

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/18/and-the-results-are-in/

I Lost My Friends!!

"Here are some people I'd like to introduce to you. I think you would make great friends. You never have to see them, help or deal with them in any way, but they will be your friend."

Sincerely,
Facebook

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/17/how-to-lose-friends/

Please Help Me!!!

Last Saturday, we gave money to a guy on a street corner because his sign read, “Too ugly to prostitute”.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/03/29/please-help-me/

Extra Cheese???

Domino's now has an app where you can just speak your order into your phone. They're the first large pizza chain who can now screw up your order three ways.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/14/extra-cheese/

I'm Getting Better??

People have been asking me if I’ve recovered from the illness, which includes short term memory loss. I start to talk and then say, (seriously), “What was the question?”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/12/im-getting-better/

Gum Control!!

I think the argument about guns is ridiculous. We ought to be focused on a larger problem; Gum control. The scene from “Elf” should serve as a warning to us all.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/01/21/gum-control/

How to get Away with Murder!!

My wife has suddenly become obsessed with the TV show, “How to Get Away with Murder”. I don’t sleep much these days.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/27/getting-away-with-murder/

You Can Get Any Job You Want!

You really can get most any job you want. Just lie about everything on the application, making sure you don't over qualify yourself. Ask most any politician to verify what I'm saying.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/24/get-any-job-you-want/

Help! A Cat!!

A 911 dispatcher received this call last week. "Please help me, there's a cat near me." "Calm down. Unless it's a bobcat, it won't hurt you." "This one will! It's just staring at me, and I know it's going to attack me soon!" "Ma'am..." "What do you mean, Ma'am? I'm a parrot, you idiot!"

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/23/help-a-cat/

I'm Doing The Super Bowl Half-Time Show!

So the NFL, not satisfied with the millions advertisers pay for the privilege of hawking their wares during the game, is rumored to have decided to make the half-time performers pay to play. I’m thinking of doing it. I just need a few sponsors willing to give me a million dollars. Anyone?

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/22/im-doing-the-super-bowl-half-time-show/

The Race Is On!

As many of you know, my nephew, Evan Sebenius, collapsed and died while running a half marathon last month. On Sunday, November 2nd, hundreds of people will run/walk a 5K, called Run Evan In. #runevanin

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/21/the-race-is-on/

Men Can't Sell Women's Underwear!!

Saudi Arabia men were recently banned from selling female underwear. They were also banned from wearing them.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/19/men-cant-sell-womens-underwear/

Women Are From Venus!!

My wife gave me a book to read to enhance our marriage. “Women are from Venus, Men are just wrong.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/04/09/1035/

Fight Crime!!

I wish there were TV shows about cops. You know, maybe a team of some sort that might, oh I don’t know, fight terrorism. Just wishful thinking.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/01/12/police-shows/

Somebody Shrunk My Clothes!

During fall and winter, I always seem to put on a few pounds, but I don't worry because when spring comes around, I always buy bigger clothes.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/06/somebody-shrunk-my-clothes/

Don't Ruin My Sandwich!

Frost is weird. Sunshine is wonderful. Snow is great. Rain is delicious. But my favorite thing is pastrami.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/05/2882/

Run For Your Life!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/03/run-for-your-life/

Where Did I Come From??

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10/02/where-did-i-come-from/

I'm Trapped in a Cemetery!!

This Just In: A small, single seat Cessna airplane crashed into a cemetery in Kentucky. The pilot was not hurt, but police have found 92 bodies so far. They will resume their search today.

I don't know why Kentucky is such an easy target. The state seems to be a magnet for Southern ridicule, which is really silly, because I have found the people of the South quite brilliant and very hospitable.

Maybe it's the mountain folk who give everyone else a bad rap. You know, the jokes about family reunions, marrying your sister or cousin, or how the family tree goes straight up and then right back down into it's self, the best pick-up line being, "Hey is your tooth real?"; that sort of thing.

I suppose I should be offended by these jokes because two of my children and their families live in the South. My daughter, Sarah, and her family live in the Atlanta area and my son, Eric, and his family live in Mississippi. My other daughter, Cecilee, lives in the Seattle area and loves it.

So, including the grandchildren, ten of eleven live in the South. Not only that, but when we finally move, it will be in the South, so we can finally be closer to them.

Some people think a southern drawl makes a person sound ignorant, but I find it charming. It's kind of soothing to me. I should probably find a dentist who has migrated here from a southern state. That way, when I have to have a root canal, he or she will say, "See here? All of these boys are just fine, but see that one there? Well, it's just got to have a little attitude adjustment."

An attitude adjustment sounds so much better than a root canal, doesn't it? Or I might go with a southern shrink. Instead of telling me flat out that I'm nuts, he or she could say something like, "Boy, you're nuttier than my Mama's pecan pie." I like pecan pie, so I probably wouldn't mind that.

How about a southern IRS auditor? That could be cool. What's more stressful than that? Instead of saying to me, "Mr. Mabbott, we think you took some liberties with the tax laws. Now, let's dig in and find out how much you owe us.", it could go like, "Now, Jerry, relax. This is gonna be just like a poker game. By the end of it, you'll either have some of our money, or we'll have all of yours."

Much better.

See you tomorrow.

Check out my books by clicking here!

#runevanin

Connect with me on:

Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott

Hit Men

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/01/15/hit-men/

The Evan Sebenius Memorial Run

Typically, when a young person passes away, those who love and care for them organize candlelight vigils, set up memorial funds, etc. The outpouring of love and support for Evan Sebenius has been extraordinary. I wrote my blog about this amazing young man, but I had no idea just how many people Evan has impacted.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/09/23/the-evan-sebenius-memorial-run/

Remembering Evan Sebenius

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/09/22/remembering-evan-sebenius/

300 Blogs!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/09/20/300-blogs/

Stop the Voices!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/09/19/stop-the-voices/

Fore!!

Two guys were being slowed down on the golf course by two ladies in front of them. One guy said he would simply ask the women if they could play through. He came back and said "I can't. It's my wife and mistress!" The other guy said he would do it, but also came back quickly, saying, "I can't do it, I have the same problem!"

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-12-11-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-16-09-12-11-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-12-11-1.png" /></a>

I have no idea how men or women are able to juggle more than one relationship at a time. Forget the moral implications, just the work involved would be exhausting. Trying to keep both happy and not getting caught seems impossible to me, and yet, it's done.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-13-54-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-16-09-13-54-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-13-54-1.png" /></a>

It's sort of like a bad episode of "Three's Company" (weren't they all?), where Jack has one girl hidden in the bathroom and another in the kitchen, trying to keep them apart. It's funny on TV, but in real life? Not so much.

When I was a bachelor, I had a friend who was seeing SIX women at one time. I'm not bragging about him, mind you, I'm proving that he was an idiot! He thought he could pull it off. He told me he would go out on three dates per week, so he would spend time with each of them within a two week period. He even bought them all the same perfume, just in case there might be a lingering smell on a shirt.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-18-48-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-16-09-18-48-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-18-48-1.png" /></a>

In his defense, he said he was not intimate with any of them and also was never exclusively involved with any of them. He liked them all, but needed to spend time with each of them to determine which one to be exclusive with.

I know some would call him a pig, but if that is true, why do so many women love "The Bachelor"? He was simply ahead of his time. Anyway, the whole thing blew up on him because he didn't factor spontaneity into the equation. One of these ladies would decide to surprise him by bringing an unplanned dinner over. Surprise!

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-14-46-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-16-09-14-46-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-16-09-14-46-1.png" /></a>

Another dropped by unannounced with a romantic movie to watch, which would have been great if it weren't for another of the ladies being upstairs using his computer for a college assignment. He actually did manage that one ok, but it wasn't easy.

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I don't know how polygamists do it. They say the "Sister Wives" all get along just fine, but I don't believe it. I don't think it's in a person's nature to settle for being an equal part of a group when it comes to love. There are too many episodes of "48 Hours" and "Dateline" outlining the death of one of the people in a love triangle.

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I learned that trying what he did was wrong and would have severe consequences. He really wasn't trying to be hurtful, but that is certainly the way it came across in the end. I still feel bad for them. None of them seemed hurt, come to think of it, but as he was surrounded by six very angry women who decided to confront him all at the same time, I'm surprised he made it out alive.

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He never did that again. Besides feeling horrible that people got hurt, he realized that women are far too intelligent to fall for that kind of nonsense for very long. So, from that point on, he has been monogamous. A one woman man. Oh, and he avoids golf courses.

See you tomorrow.

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Twitter: @jmabbott

Gatorade!

I went kayaking in Florida once and capsized the stupid thing. I decided to swim back to shore, but I was afraid of alligators. I saw a guy in a boat and asked him if they'd had problems with gators here. "Gators? Nope, they've been gone for years." I felt instantly relieved. Then the guy said, "The sharks got 'em."

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I actually spent a good deal of time in Florida. I really like it. Sure, it's hot and humid, right in the middle of Hurricane Alley and the average age is higher than the temperature, but I still enjoyed it. Orlando, Naples, Tampa Bay, Bradenton, Miami, Coral Gables, Nashville.. Wait, not Nashville. That can't be right.

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Like everywhere I've traveled, I always eat the local cuisine, no matter what it might be. I've written about my experiences in different parts of Canada where I had french fries all over my pizza and maple syrup poured on my denver omelet, etc. So, while in Florida, I had some gator.

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Gator does not taste like chicken. I don't know why so many people think any exotic meat tastes like chicken. Remind me never to come over to have chicken at their house, because they're definitely cooking it <strong>wrong</strong>! In fact, gator has a very distinctive flavor like nothing else I've tasted.

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I also tried frog legs that were very tasty. I even tried turtle soup, which I also liked. What else? Fried grasshoppers, rattlesnake and my all-time favorite, escargot. I order escargot every time we go to a French restaurant. It has become my favorite food, followed closely by baguettes and a variety of french cheese.

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Ok, now I'm hungry for escargot, but it's 8:30 in the morning. Where will I find that dish at this hour? Hmm, I think I'll have a look in the back yard...

See you tomorrow.

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Shopping? Please, No!

Last week, my wife and I went shopping for clothes. A lady in front of us at the checkout pulled out her wallet and a remote control. The cashier asked what was up with the remote and the woman said, "Well, he wouldn't go shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even."

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Today was the first fireplace day. I have mixed emotions about it. I love the fire that offsets the outside chill, but it always signals a fall clothing trip. When we go to get just a few things, I can take it. I hate it, but I can handle it.

But this upcoming trip is for the Fall Season! A whole season! And it just can't be put off. Last year's sweaters are "so last year" and will not be acceptable this year under any circumstances.

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I gave up fighting about it years ago. Besides, she knows how to bribe me. We always go to Tanger Outlets in Park City, Utah, which holds about 4,000 stores, but nearby is one of my favorite restaurants. Done and done. I can't resist.

So, off I go on an all day (ugh) shopping expedition. I call it an expedition because we embark on a trip with nothing particular in mind. That's the part that really drives me nuts. When I shop for anything, I know what I want and get in and out and on with the day.

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When WE shop, we hit every single store in the whole center, even if she knows that she's not going to buy something in some of the shops. If I ask why, she tells me not to spoil the experience for her.

I just don't understand the concept of "window shopping". What's the point? Doesn't it just set you up for a let down? I know it does with my wife. On the way home, she always says, "I should have bought that (insert clothing item here)". Then we go back to get it the following week, only it's gone by then, so we have to search every store to find something similar.

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I always try to talk her into buying the item(s) at the time, but she says she doesn't want to spend the money. So, we end up spending $20 more on gas for the trip back, only to come back empty handed with a very frustrated wife, which also means no dinner this time.

The other thing that drives me nuts is she never tries on the clothing. Never. I always suggest it, only to hear, "I know what size I wear". I try to appeal to her sense of logic and reason by reminding her that different brands fit differently in the same size. Nope. We get home and at least two of the items don't fit.

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Now, if they don't fit because they're too big, that's a good thing. But if they're too small, God help me. It's going to be a rough couple of days. "No, Sweetheart, you haven’t gained weight. You look wonderful!" We all know that doesn't work, and yet it's the only weapon we have to avoid becoming the target.

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I think next time, I'm going to refuse to go... After I buy a spare remote.

See you tomorrow.

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Take My Wife, Please!

Last year, we were burglarized in the middle of the night and never heard a thing. The guy was caught the next day and I told the cop I wanted to talk to the guy. "I need to know how he got in the house without waking my wife. I've been trying that for years!"

There are smart thieves, like in "Ocean's 11" and "The Italian Job", but there are more stupid crooks by far. Here are some examples that I find particularly funny.

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a guy tried to steal computers from a college but got stuck in one of the windows. Oh the irony.

Another guy broke into a home in Portland, Oregon. When he noticed the homeowner arriving, he fled to the bathroom and dialed 911 and said, “I just broke into a house, and the owners came home!” He was only charged with trespassing. He should have been charged with being an idiot.

Another guy broke into a funeral home. I know! I don't know why, either. He set off an alarm so he climbed into a coffin and played dead. Two problems: 1) He was dressed in dirty street clothes and 2) He was breathing! That was a classic case of cardiac arrest.

I think I ever decided to become a thief, I would steal things like, oh I don't know, perhaps money? From another thief. It has to be a pretty small community of thieves, and not the drug junkies. I'm talking about big bucks.

I would only do it once and then immediately fly to a country with no extradition agreement with the US. Or, I would become a con man like Michael Cain and Steve Martin in "Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels". That could be fun.

I know that thievery is dishonest and not honorable, but who among us has never wished they could pull off a big payday?

See you tomorrow.

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Joan Rivers, Pioneer

"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."  ~Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers was a controversial comedian, to be sure. People either liked her or hated her. There appeard to be no middle ground. One of the things I’ve admired about her career is that she didn't care what people thought of her professionally. She stuck to her shtick and blazed forward.

Certainly, she would harshly critique others, especially those who walked the red carpet, and there were many people who found that offensive. I would ask you to be honest and think about all of the times you have put a person down for having what we consider too much plastic surgery? It happens.

Rivers was never politically correct, and no one was immune to her comments, many of which were said tongue in cheek. She once said about Tom Cruise, "He's been in the closet so long, I'm going to take him to Goodwill."  Funny. Did he take offense? Not that I can find anywhere.

The one celebrity who completely wrote her off was Johnny Carson. She first appeared on the Tonight Show in 1965. She hadn't been a comedian for all that long and it was such a rarity for a female comedian to be on television, let alone the biggest of them all. Quite an accomplishment!

She and Carson had a most unfortunate conflict when Rivers accepted an offer to star in her own show. As the permanent Tonight Show guest host, Carson never forgave her and the two never talked again. In a recent TV show, she visited his grave and much to her surprise, had a very emotional experience, telling her fans that she really missed him. It was genuine.

Her show was canceled after the first year, which was devastating to her. Shortly afterward, her husband committed suicide. To top that all off, no one in showbiz wanted anything to do with her. She thought her career was finished and she lost her best friend to suicide and she decided to follow in his footsteps.

Rivers said she was sitting on her couch, gun in hand, when her dog jumped on her lap and she thought, "If I kill myself, who will look after him?" She had a moment of clarity which saved her life.

Now what? Her career had tanked and there was no going back, so she decided to reinvent herself. That's when she started to become a shock comic. She filled a niche that definitely had a huge audience. She also wrote very popular books and started her "Fashion Police" show. She also starred in her reality series as well.

Was she vulgar? Yes. Was she crass? Yes. Was she funny? Millions thought so. Was she a brilliant business woman? Without question and she proved it by winning on "Celebrity Apprentice".

Joan Rivers was a pioneer in our business, breaking through enormous barriers and paved the way for so many female comedians. There are still many male comedians who think that a woman cannot be as funny as a man. I hear it all of the time. Then my wife takes the stage and kills those comments immediately. Heather Mabbott is very funny.

One of my closest friends, Keith Stubbs, opened for her in March of 2013 and found her to be loving, caring and a wonderful person. She certainly didn't have to be. Click here to see his interview following her death yesterday. It is a great segment describing who she was off stage.

I think my brother, Jim, put it in perspective. He was not a fan, but he was sad to see her go. I think he gets it.

Joan Rivers was 81 years old and was working as hard as ever on her career, with no intention of ever retiring. I'm happy she left us while still living her dream.

Farewell, Joan. You are already missed. Tonight, Heather and I will take the stage and get some laughs in your honor.

See you tomorrow.

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Produce, or Else!

As a young comedian, I held a lot of day jobs. They never lasted because I would skip work to go to auditions. Once, I worked in a warehouse, where I drove a forklift off the loading dock. The boss said he'd have to withhold 10% of my pay for the repairs. I asked how much it would cost, and he said about $4,500. I thought, sweet! I've finally have job security!

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It's the day after labor day which I would guess is one of the least productive days of the year. Granted, there are the usual suspects, such as Christmas Eve, New Years Eve, Halloween, etc. Not to mention nearly every Friday.

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But the day following a Monday off is extra special because it's a shortened work week and many workers consider it sort of a party week. After all, it's nearly Wednesday (or hump day as most camels would say), and Wednesday is well known as a non-productive day.

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So what is the most productive day? Tuesday. Studies have shown that people work hard to catch up on projects of which they have fallen behind in order to be able to goof around on Wednesday through Friday.

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It's been that way in every office where I've worked. Especially when I worked for three years with the Department of Defense. The only problem there was there never seemed to be a Tuesday. The productivity came during the last week of the month, where the workers suddenly had to put in overtime to get the workload out. It happened every month in most cases.

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I worked in one DOD office where the employees just talked and played solitaire all day. They were audited every October, so they worked tons of overtime every September. Ridiculous. They actually profited from their laziness during the rest of the year, and were praised for it.

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So, go ahead and take it easy today. You still have another full day before you have to get any work done.

See you tomorrow.

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Comic Relief!

I'll never forget what the judge said to my ex-wife when we first walked into divorce court: "What, you again?"

Obviously, a funny person - on the bench and not for the cameras. I think every city needs to have a comedian on staff. The possibilities to help out are endless. Got a standoff? Forget SWAT, bring on the clown.

Employee talks break down? How about a little levity? Just what's needed. There are too many issues met with far too many serious people, none really willing to settle things in a timely fashion. Both parties know the strike will be settled at some point, point, but once the commitment has been made, trade talks must commence for a period of time or it appears that it took place for nothing.

So then what? People out of work, production either severely diminished or at a complete standstill. Who gets hurt? The consumer, the employees, the company, the consumer - everyone except the union. Hmm, interesting, don't you think? Now, I'm not anti-union, there are things to be said pro and con.

The question is, if there was a comedian poking fun at each side, how much quicker would there be a solution? How about employee arbitration? Consumer arbitration? Something like, "You know, it's like when I get in an argument with my Mother-in-law. We're both probably wrong, but she's still ugly."

Ok, maybe some women might not find that particular joke funny, but you get the idea. How about, "Ladies, it's kind of like when you get in a fight with your husband. You both know there's a middle ground, and you know you'll get there, and when it's over, he's still going to smell weird."

See? A little levity. I'm telling you, it would save every Federal and State government agency millions of dollars and much embarrassment with constituents.

Every company and city should also get on board. Especially airlines. It seems to work for Southwest Airlines. They hire mainly funny people to make the passengers on an otherwise boring and sometimes tense situation much better.

I just think there's an overlooked market here. How about the Wal-Mart greeter? "Hey, did you mean to wear that, or are you completely colorblind?" Or, ok, since you decided to wear your jammies, our bathroab section is right over there." Or, "I see you wore your pajamas. Next time, wear the ones with the flap open and make it worth our while."

How about a greater at K-Mart? All they would have to say is, "Welcome! At least we're not Wal-Mart!"

See, the possibilities are truly endless. If you're a leader, give it some thought.

See you tomorrow.

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Insomnia!

My brother is a moron. He called me at three A.M. last week. I said, “It’s three in the morning”! He said, I’m sorry, I just can’t sleep. I’m paranoid. All day long I get the feeling that people are following me. I said, “You idiot, you’re a tour guide!”
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It’s 4 am and I’m trying to sleep but my foot is awake. Stupid dyslexia. I don’t have it as bad as my brother. He is dyslexic but never knew it because his name is Bob. So we started calling him Fred, well actually Derf, so he could understand it.
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I really don’t have insomnia, I just can’t sleep. Insomnia sounds a little too close to insane, so I prefer I just can’t sleep. I’m feeling less crazy now.

The truth is, it’s heartburn, which is a strange term, because it has nothing to do with the heart. It sort of burns the esophegus, which is much better. This way, you only feel like you’re having a heart attack. So, you go to the ER, they make you do a stress test, along with an MRI. In the end, they tell you to take some Zantac, and that will solve everything.
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So, instead of buying the Zantac knockoff for less than 2 bucks for a monthly supply, you spend $300 for walking in the ER, another grand on the MRI, and another $500 for the stress test.
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$1800 to make you feel like the biggest jackass on the planet. Then they tell you that you did the right thing, by going in. Right. You feel relieved that it wasn’t a heart attack, but just to be sure, they send the bill. Now, that’s the REAL stress test.
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They should just skip all of the tests and just send you a phony bill and see if you survive.

The body is an amazing thing. A few months back, I began eating healthy and working out six days a week. When I decided to stop eating grains, my heartburn disappeared! Yahoo! Seriously? Grains were the problem this entire time?

In addition, I’ve dropped 22 pounds and I’m finally fitting back into my old clothes that my wife had tried to throw out. Thank I watched all of those “Hoarders” episodes. Very educational. That’s a subject for another blog.
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But suddenly, the heartburn is back. I know! It’s just my body’s way of letting me know it’s still in charge no matter what I do to try to fool it. It’s found a way to bring it back, and only in the wee hours of the morning so I can watch episodes of cops. There’s nothing like watching the bad boys get busted at four in the morning. Sweet bliss.

At least I discovered a much cheaper way to get rid of the heart burn. Baking soda mixed in a cup of water. Voila! Gone in an instant. Of course I only remember this after I am fully awake.
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If I could just figure out how my foot manages to get to sleep and stay that way, I would be good to go. I’m going to surf the net and try to figure that out. I’ll get back to you with my findings.

See you tomorrow.

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I'm Going Broke!

I think it's funny how I look for ways to save a few bucks by 1) buying multiple Sunday papers (at least $4) to clip coupons, 2) endure all the annoying pop-ups and adware to print coupons from websites, only to have my information sold to unscrupulous advertisers who send me ads for their products, which I buy...

Seriously, I look for the cheapest place to have my oil changed (with coupons of course), only to spend four times the coupon amount on brake fluid, a radiator flush, ball-joint replacements, and a new battery, all of which is "absolutely necessary" if I want to "safely drive my car home ".

I think most people are the same way. We always seem to spend more, but focus on the "amount saved" while spending more. It doesn't compute, but we have to view it that way in order to feel like a savvy shopper. How much do we have to spend in order to save money?

I had a wife (yes, I've had a few) who once told me she saved us $300 that day. I knew all too well what she actually meant by that, so I stuck out my hand and the dialog went like this: "Great! Where is it"? "Where's what"? "The $300". "Huh"? "The money you saved us. Where is it"? (You might be discovering why I've had a few wives) "Well I don't actually have the money". "I see. So, how much did you spend to save us $300"?

We all seem to fall victim to this kind of marketing ploy. I love the supermarkets who reward their valued customers who have a vip card, or whatever they call it. When you're at the self checkout, doing their job, as every vip should, the computer tells you that you saved 35 cents today. Oh, you mean the 35 cents that the idiot who doesn't have a loyalty card has to pay? Woo-hoo! Score!

We leave the store feeling good that we saved money, even though we're fully aware that we would have saved $5 on the same items at the no frills grocery a few miles away - where you originally really saved money by bagging your own groceries.

Now we pay more money to ring up and bag our own groceries, thinking we're saving time, which is great until the computer keeps stopping to notify an attendant to help you three times during your speedy check out, so it would have been faster to have someone with experience check you out AND bag your groceries.

I have three problems with these systems. 1) they were designed to eliminate jobs in a day and age when we are supposed to be creating them 2) as mentioned above, it often takes longer because there is an unskilled worker - me - driving the bus. Every customer should, just like employees, have to complete a training program before being allowed to use the system, and 3) I just spent more money doing all of the work when I could have saved money at the no frills grocery and only had to bag the groceries!

Why would anyone fall for this? I should get a substantial discount to do the work. The "think tank" responsible for the concept are full of geniuses. Seriously. Somebody said, "Hey, I have an idea that will save us a fortune! We'll get the customers to work for us! That way, we can lay off half of the checkers, still have the staff (us) to do the work for free and we don't even have to train them or pay benefits"! Brilliant!

It's amazing how marketing people can get us to do their bidding. By disguising the real motive as something new and fancy. Sort of like the joints where they make your pizza, but you have to take it home and cook it. They hire only kids, there is no delivery service costs, the pizza about the same price as a place where they still bake the pies and send you on your way with a delightful meal that you can eat immediately by just opening the box!

Ugh. I really don't like where our customer service industry is headed. But there is one saving grace. At least at the self checkout stations you can still scan your coupons.

See you tomorrow.

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Crabs!

A lobster and a crayfish went out to dinner. While in the restaurant, the lobster saw a buddy of his and invited him to join them. After introductions, the waiter brought the appetizer. The crayfish ate all of it himself. His lobster friend apologized to the other lobster, saying, "You'll have to forgive him. He's a little shellfish".

Yeah, I know. Dumb joke, but the topic is shellfish and allergies. Shellfish allergies are more common than you might think. Certainly more than I thought, but that's understandable, considering that I get sidetracked by most any shiny object.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, the allergies. According to Wikipedia, the most trusted information source on the Internet (not), "shellfish are not a kind of fish, but are simply water-dwelling animals. Many varieties of shellfish (crustaceans in particular) are actually closely related to insects and arachnids (gross), making up one of the main classes of the phylum Arthropoda. Cephalopods (squid, octopus, cuttlefish) and bivalves (clams, oysters) are molluscs, as are snails and slugs".

I love seafood. A lot. I've eaten most varieties of palatable sea creatures at sushi bars over the years, including raw oysters. I know, you probably think they're gross, but I love 'em. Squeeze a little fresh lemon juice on them... Delicious!

OK, here's the problem. Last night, my wife grilled salmon (yum) and we had some crab legs and baked cauliflower, which I also love as long as it's smothered in cheese so it doesn't taste like cauliflower. So, we started cracking the crab, which takes forever but if you love it, it doesn't seem to matter. I was happily enjoying the crab dipped in butter.

By the time I was nearly finished with dinner, I noticed I was sweating. Then I began to feel dizzy and my throat began to close up. I quickly stopped eating and took some Benadryl. We went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I was still sweating and just couldn’t get comfortable. I finally dozed off, only to wake up at 3 am, wide awake and still sweating.

I took some more Benadryl and watched The Tonight Show, Letterman and an episode of Running Wild, with Bear Grylls, this one featuring Tom Arnold. I thought for sure that show would put me out. No such luck. I finally gave up at 6:30 and started getting things ready for my wife to go to work. I was still sweating.

As I write this blog, it is 8:30 and I'm still sweating. Wow. Who knew? Why now? And why my beloved shellfish??? Why can't I be allergic to cauliflower? So, I started doing some research.

I read on the FARE (Food Allergy Research Education) website that "shellfish can cause severe allergic reactions (such as anaphylaxis). Therefore it is advised that people with shellfish allergy have quick access to an epinephrine auto-injector (such as an EpiPen®, Auvi-Q® or Adrenaclick®) at all times. This allergy usually is lifelong. Approximately 60 percent of people with shellfish allergy experienced their first allergic reaction as adults". Seriously?

I didn't realize that the allergic reaction was that severe. I know that people who are allergic to nuts can go from healthy to extreme danger in a matter of minutes, but apparently its the same with shellfish. Yikes!

I better stop writing and take more Benadryl because I'm still sweating and my throat is beginning to close up again.

See you tomorrow.

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Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
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