Shopping? Please, No!

Last week, my wife and I went shopping for clothes. A lady in front of us at the checkout pulled out her wallet and a remote control. The cashier asked what was up with the remote and the woman said, "Well, he wouldn't go shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even."

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Today was the first fireplace day. I have mixed emotions about it. I love the fire that offsets the outside chill, but it always signals a fall clothing trip. When we go to get just a few things, I can take it. I hate it, but I can handle it.

But this upcoming trip is for the Fall Season! A whole season! And it just can't be put off. Last year's sweaters are "so last year" and will not be acceptable this year under any circumstances.

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I gave up fighting about it years ago. Besides, she knows how to bribe me. We always go to Tanger Outlets in Park City, Utah, which holds about 4,000 stores, but nearby is one of my favorite restaurants. Done and done. I can't resist.

So, off I go on an all day (ugh) shopping expedition. I call it an expedition because we embark on a trip with nothing particular in mind. That's the part that really drives me nuts. When I shop for anything, I know what I want and get in and out and on with the day.

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When WE shop, we hit every single store in the whole center, even if she knows that she's not going to buy something in some of the shops. If I ask why, she tells me not to spoil the experience for her.

I just don't understand the concept of "window shopping". What's the point? Doesn't it just set you up for a let down? I know it does with my wife. On the way home, she always says, "I should have bought that (insert clothing item here)". Then we go back to get it the following week, only it's gone by then, so we have to search every store to find something similar.

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I always try to talk her into buying the item(s) at the time, but she says she doesn't want to spend the money. So, we end up spending $20 more on gas for the trip back, only to come back empty handed with a very frustrated wife, which also means no dinner this time.

The other thing that drives me nuts is she never tries on the clothing. Never. I always suggest it, only to hear, "I know what size I wear". I try to appeal to her sense of logic and reason by reminding her that different brands fit differently in the same size. Nope. We get home and at least two of the items don't fit.

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Now, if they don't fit because they're too big, that's a good thing. But if they're too small, God help me. It's going to be a rough couple of days. "No, Sweetheart, you haven’t gained weight. You look wonderful!" We all know that doesn't work, and yet it's the only weapon we have to avoid becoming the target.

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I think next time, I'm going to refuse to go... After I buy a spare remote.

See you tomorrow.

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Half Marathon!

I finished a half marathon yesterday. I went shopping with my wife.

Shopping with my wife is always an adventure. She tricks me and I fall for it every time. It's like Lucy with the football, always pulling the ball at the last second and leaving Charlie Brown on his keister. I'm the same way.

There's an outlet store about an hour from here, and she'll talk me into going, with the promise of a treat, like fresh Mrs. Fields cookies. She says she wants to look in just a couple of stores. Right. A couple means a couple of dozen. She can't help it. She's just wired that way.

So many women are shopaholics, but I also know some men who do similar things. The difference is that men usually know what they want, get in and out in record time. We don't enjoy cruising the aisles over and over, looking at the same items again and again. We know and go.

My wife will see something she likes, but can't resist checking all of the other stores, just to be sure she's getting the same price. Personally, I like that shrewd behavior. I just don't want to be there. Get the cookies to go. I'll heat them up when she gets home. Good as knew, and every one wins.

Sadly, it doesn't work out that way. My only solace is that she doesn't have a purse. That's the worst. You see many defeated men walking around the stores carrying the purse. It's humiliating, to say the least.

I get the fact that she doesn't want to leave the purse unattended in the dressing room. I think every store should have lockers for purses. Men would love it, and women would feel secure, knowing their belongings are safe. It's a win - win!

My wife rarely tries on the items she finds, and in many cases, has to take them back. I think it's the Lucy football game all over again because she hates returning things, so I must go with her. Obviously a trick.

What are you going to do? If you refuse to go, you'll be cut off and have an angry wife who spent more than she would have if you had been there, and you can forget the cookies. Ain't gonna happen.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to begin training for the next half marathon.

See you tomorrow.

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It's December!

I think Santa Claus is better than Bigfoot. They're both hairy, have never been seen, but Santa brings gifts and eats cookies. Bigfoot doesn't do that. 

As was the scene again this year, on black Wednesday, Thursday or Friday, depending on the store, we get to see the greediness that is such a tell tale sign that something has gone terribly wrong with the way we prepare to celebrate Christmas. A local Wal-Mart made national news because two women were trampled by people who were so overcome by greed, they had no concern for the well being of others. 

The irony was that every person who was in the store for the first hour, was guaranteed to get the item that drove these people to their madness. In addition, Wal-Mart's on line store had the very same item, at the same price. 

I think too many of us go way too far with gift giving. I like to open gifts as much as the next guy, but I think it's no wonder that so many of us grow up thinking it's all about shopping, giving and receiving.

I think giving gifts to the children is a no brainer, as long as it's not too much. It isn't about presents. Its about getting together with friends and family, the ones that you actually like.

I hate gatherings on Christmas Day,  just so people can show off what they "got". I don't think it's their fault. They were raised that way. I just don't like it. Never have. 

I love holiday traditions. My wife and I,  on Christmas Eve, go to one of our favorite restaurants, go home and do some wrapping. All the while, with "A Christmas Story" playing on TV. Then, its off to 7-11, to buy some hot dogs.

Really? Hot dogs? 13 years ago, I didn't get off work in time to go to a restaurant, and the local 7-11 was the only place open, so our dinner consisted of hot dogs. So, since that day, we always get 7-11 hot dogs for a late snack. Then, we each open what we both know will be pajama bottoms.

Since our children and grandchildren are scattered around the country, I love to talk with them, as well as with my Mother. That makes my Christmas. I need nothing else. 

We always get one gift for each of the grandchildren, send money to the kids and wait for the pictures of thellittle ones playing with their toys. Really, is there anything better than the look of surprise and the genuine happiness you see on a child's face when theyoopen their presents? 

I think, in the spirit of giving thanks for what we're really celebrating, the birth of The Christ, it would be a great tradition to give a needy family either a full Christmas dinner or gifts for the kids. How great would that be?

Let us realize that Christmas is all about people, and so little about presents.

Merry Christmas to you all!

See you tomorrow. 

My new book, The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II, will be available on Amazon.com just in time for Christmas! 

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