Shih... What??

We went to the zoo yesterday. What a let down. It was in a trailer park and they had only one animal. A shitzu. Rip off.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/17/shih-what/

Ice Cycles!!

It was so cold in Idaho this past weekend, there were ice cycles inside  the house!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/26/ice-cycles/

I Caught 12 Pounds of Ice!!

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go fishing today. I said "Really? Isn't that your anniversary?" He said, "It doesn't matter. She hasn't even talked to me in two years." I said, "Don't let her go! Women like that are hard to find!"

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/23/i-caught-12-pounds-of-ice/

They Did WHAT??

Women think "Sleepless in Seattle" was a romantic movie. I disagree. Clearly, she was stalking him and therefore the movie should have only been allowed to air on Lifetime.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/12/they-did-what/

Run Forrest, Run!

My wife is a runner. She’s not very fast, though. She almost escaped from me three times.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/03/run-forrest-run/

We Got Ripped Off!!

Marty McFly, in “Back to the Future II”, promised us hover boards among other things, but most of all, time travel! Where is it??

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/02/we-got-ripped-off/

Happy New Year! What? Nothing Changed??

Well, its here. 2015. Kinda feels like yesterday, except I'm exhausted from celebrating the arrival of the New Year.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/01/happy-new-year-what-nothing-changed/

Happy New Year. I Did WHAT???

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/30/happy-new-year-i-did-what/

Doing impressions!!!

This weekend, I’m going to do an impression of Christopher Walken doing and impression of me. I might just be able to pull it off.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/03/25/doing-impressions/

I Now Pronounce You... Wait, What the Heck am I Doing???

Charles Man­son, 80, con­victed of con­spir­acy to com­mit mul­tiple murders, has ob­tained a li­cense to marry 26 year old Af­ton Elaine Bur­ton, who he’s been seeing for the past seven years. The couple will honeymoon in their minds because he’s not allowed conjugal visits.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/19/i-now-pronounce-you-wait-what-the-heck-am-i-doing/

Survey THIS!

On this date in 1901, George Horatio Gallup, American journalist and statistician was born. At least that’s what they say. What do you think?

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/18/and-the-results-are-in/

I Lost My Friends!!

"Here are some people I'd like to introduce to you. I think you would make great friends. You never have to see them, help or deal with them in any way, but they will be your friend."

Sincerely,
Facebook

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/17/how-to-lose-friends/

Please Help Me!!!

Last Saturday, we gave money to a guy on a street corner because his sign read, “Too ugly to prostitute”.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/03/29/please-help-me/

Extra Cheese???

Domino's now has an app where you can just speak your order into your phone. They're the first large pizza chain who can now screw up your order three ways.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/14/extra-cheese/

I'm Getting Better??

People have been asking me if I’ve recovered from the illness, which includes short term memory loss. I start to talk and then say, (seriously), “What was the question?”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/11/12/im-getting-better/

I'm Trapped in a Cemetery!!

This Just In: A small, single seat Cessna airplane crashed into a cemetery in Kentucky. The pilot was not hurt, but police have found 92 bodies so far. They will resume their search today.

I don't know why Kentucky is such an easy target. The state seems to be a magnet for Southern ridicule, which is really silly, because I have found the people of the South quite brilliant and very hospitable.

Maybe it's the mountain folk who give everyone else a bad rap. You know, the jokes about family reunions, marrying your sister or cousin, or how the family tree goes straight up and then right back down into it's self, the best pick-up line being, "Hey is your tooth real?"; that sort of thing.

I suppose I should be offended by these jokes because two of my children and their families live in the South. My daughter, Sarah, and her family live in the Atlanta area and my son, Eric, and his family live in Mississippi. My other daughter, Cecilee, lives in the Seattle area and loves it.

So, including the grandchildren, ten of eleven live in the South. Not only that, but when we finally move, it will be in the South, so we can finally be closer to them.

Some people think a southern drawl makes a person sound ignorant, but I find it charming. It's kind of soothing to me. I should probably find a dentist who has migrated here from a southern state. That way, when I have to have a root canal, he or she will say, "See here? All of these boys are just fine, but see that one there? Well, it's just got to have a little attitude adjustment."

An attitude adjustment sounds so much better than a root canal, doesn't it? Or I might go with a southern shrink. Instead of telling me flat out that I'm nuts, he or she could say something like, "Boy, you're nuttier than my Mama's pecan pie." I like pecan pie, so I probably wouldn't mind that.

How about a southern IRS auditor? That could be cool. What's more stressful than that? Instead of saying to me, "Mr. Mabbott, we think you took some liberties with the tax laws. Now, let's dig in and find out how much you owe us.", it could go like, "Now, Jerry, relax. This is gonna be just like a poker game. By the end of it, you'll either have some of our money, or we'll have all of yours."

Much better.

See you tomorrow.

Check out my books by clicking here!

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Produce, or Else!

As a young comedian, I held a lot of day jobs. They never lasted because I would skip work to go to auditions. Once, I worked in a warehouse, where I drove a forklift off the loading dock. The boss said he'd have to withhold 10% of my pay for the repairs. I asked how much it would cost, and he said about $4,500. I thought, sweet! I've finally have job security!

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-36-18.png"><img title="2014-09-02 10.36.18.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-36-18.png" /></a>

It's the day after labor day which I would guess is one of the least productive days of the year. Granted, there are the usual suspects, such as Christmas Eve, New Years Eve, Halloween, etc. Not to mention nearly every Friday.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-45-08.png"><img title="2014-09-02 10.45.08.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-45-08.png" /></a>

But the day following a Monday off is extra special because it's a shortened work week and many workers consider it sort of a party week. After all, it's nearly Wednesday (or hump day as most camels would say), and Wednesday is well known as a non-productive day.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-50-14.png"><img title="2014-09-02 10.50.14.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-50-14.png" /></a>

So what is the most productive day? Tuesday. Studies have shown that people work hard to catch up on projects of which they have fallen behind in order to be able to goof around on Wednesday through Friday.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-47-21.png"><img title="2014-09-02 10.47.21.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-47-21.png" /></a>

It's been that way in every office where I've worked. Especially when I worked for three years with the Department of Defense. The only problem there was there never seemed to be a Tuesday. The productivity came during the last week of the month, where the workers suddenly had to put in overtime to get the workload out. It happened every month in most cases.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-52-53.png"><img title="2014-09-02 10.52.53.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-52-53.png" /></a>

I worked in one DOD office where the employees just talked and played solitaire all day. They were audited every October, so they worked tons of overtime every September. Ridiculous. They actually profited from their laziness during the rest of the year, and were praised for it.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-42-04.png"><img title="2014-09-02 10.42.04.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-2014-09-02-10-42-04.png" /></a>

So, go ahead and take it easy today. You still have another full day before you have to get any work done.

See you tomorrow.

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Comic Relief!

I'll never forget what the judge said to my ex-wife when we first walked into divorce court: "What, you again?"

Obviously, a funny person - on the bench and not for the cameras. I think every city needs to have a comedian on staff. The possibilities to help out are endless. Got a standoff? Forget SWAT, bring on the clown.

Employee talks break down? How about a little levity? Just what's needed. There are too many issues met with far too many serious people, none really willing to settle things in a timely fashion. Both parties know the strike will be settled at some point, point, but once the commitment has been made, trade talks must commence for a period of time or it appears that it took place for nothing.

So then what? People out of work, production either severely diminished or at a complete standstill. Who gets hurt? The consumer, the employees, the company, the consumer - everyone except the union. Hmm, interesting, don't you think? Now, I'm not anti-union, there are things to be said pro and con.

The question is, if there was a comedian poking fun at each side, how much quicker would there be a solution? How about employee arbitration? Consumer arbitration? Something like, "You know, it's like when I get in an argument with my Mother-in-law. We're both probably wrong, but she's still ugly."

Ok, maybe some women might not find that particular joke funny, but you get the idea. How about, "Ladies, it's kind of like when you get in a fight with your husband. You both know there's a middle ground, and you know you'll get there, and when it's over, he's still going to smell weird."

See? A little levity. I'm telling you, it would save every Federal and State government agency millions of dollars and much embarrassment with constituents.

Every company and city should also get on board. Especially airlines. It seems to work for Southwest Airlines. They hire mainly funny people to make the passengers on an otherwise boring and sometimes tense situation much better.

I just think there's an overlooked market here. How about the Wal-Mart greeter? "Hey, did you mean to wear that, or are you completely colorblind?" Or, ok, since you decided to wear your jammies, our bathroab section is right over there." Or, "I see you wore your pajamas. Next time, wear the ones with the flap open and make it worth our while."

How about a greater at K-Mart? All they would have to say is, "Welcome! At least we're not Wal-Mart!"

See, the possibilities are truly endless. If you're a leader, give it some thought.

See you tomorrow.

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Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott

Insomnia!

My brother is a moron. He called me at three A.M. last week. I said, “It’s three in the morning”! He said, I’m sorry, I just can’t sleep. I’m paranoid. All day long I get the feeling that people are following me. I said, “You idiot, you’re a tour guide!”
image

It’s 4 am and I’m trying to sleep but my foot is awake. Stupid dyslexia. I don’t have it as bad as my brother. He is dyslexic but never knew it because his name is Bob. So we started calling him Fred, well actually Derf, so he could understand it.
image

I really don’t have insomnia, I just can’t sleep. Insomnia sounds a little too close to insane, so I prefer I just can’t sleep. I’m feeling less crazy now.

The truth is, it’s heartburn, which is a strange term, because it has nothing to do with the heart. It sort of burns the esophegus, which is much better. This way, you only feel like you’re having a heart attack. So, you go to the ER, they make you do a stress test, along with an MRI. In the end, they tell you to take some Zantac, and that will solve everything.
image

So, instead of buying the Zantac knockoff for less than 2 bucks for a monthly supply, you spend $300 for walking in the ER, another grand on the MRI, and another $500 for the stress test.
image

$1800 to make you feel like the biggest jackass on the planet. Then they tell you that you did the right thing, by going in. Right. You feel relieved that it wasn’t a heart attack, but just to be sure, they send the bill. Now, that’s the REAL stress test.
image

They should just skip all of the tests and just send you a phony bill and see if you survive.

The body is an amazing thing. A few months back, I began eating healthy and working out six days a week. When I decided to stop eating grains, my heartburn disappeared! Yahoo! Seriously? Grains were the problem this entire time?

In addition, I’ve dropped 22 pounds and I’m finally fitting back into my old clothes that my wife had tried to throw out. Thank I watched all of those “Hoarders” episodes. Very educational. That’s a subject for another blog.
image

But suddenly, the heartburn is back. I know! It’s just my body’s way of letting me know it’s still in charge no matter what I do to try to fool it. It’s found a way to bring it back, and only in the wee hours of the morning so I can watch episodes of cops. There’s nothing like watching the bad boys get busted at four in the morning. Sweet bliss.

At least I discovered a much cheaper way to get rid of the heart burn. Baking soda mixed in a cup of water. Voila! Gone in an instant. Of course I only remember this after I am fully awake.
image

If I could just figure out how my foot manages to get to sleep and stay that way, I would be good to go. I’m going to surf the net and try to figure that out. I’ll get back to you with my findings.

See you tomorrow.

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I'm Going Broke!

I think it's funny how I look for ways to save a few bucks by 1) buying multiple Sunday papers (at least $4) to clip coupons, 2) endure all the annoying pop-ups and adware to print coupons from websites, only to have my information sold to unscrupulous advertisers who send me ads for their products, which I buy...

Seriously, I look for the cheapest place to have my oil changed (with coupons of course), only to spend four times the coupon amount on brake fluid, a radiator flush, ball-joint replacements, and a new battery, all of which is "absolutely necessary" if I want to "safely drive my car home ".

I think most people are the same way. We always seem to spend more, but focus on the "amount saved" while spending more. It doesn't compute, but we have to view it that way in order to feel like a savvy shopper. How much do we have to spend in order to save money?

I had a wife (yes, I've had a few) who once told me she saved us $300 that day. I knew all too well what she actually meant by that, so I stuck out my hand and the dialog went like this: "Great! Where is it"? "Where's what"? "The $300". "Huh"? "The money you saved us. Where is it"? (You might be discovering why I've had a few wives) "Well I don't actually have the money". "I see. So, how much did you spend to save us $300"?

We all seem to fall victim to this kind of marketing ploy. I love the supermarkets who reward their valued customers who have a vip card, or whatever they call it. When you're at the self checkout, doing their job, as every vip should, the computer tells you that you saved 35 cents today. Oh, you mean the 35 cents that the idiot who doesn't have a loyalty card has to pay? Woo-hoo! Score!

We leave the store feeling good that we saved money, even though we're fully aware that we would have saved $5 on the same items at the no frills grocery a few miles away - where you originally really saved money by bagging your own groceries.

Now we pay more money to ring up and bag our own groceries, thinking we're saving time, which is great until the computer keeps stopping to notify an attendant to help you three times during your speedy check out, so it would have been faster to have someone with experience check you out AND bag your groceries.

I have three problems with these systems. 1) they were designed to eliminate jobs in a day and age when we are supposed to be creating them 2) as mentioned above, it often takes longer because there is an unskilled worker - me - driving the bus. Every customer should, just like employees, have to complete a training program before being allowed to use the system, and 3) I just spent more money doing all of the work when I could have saved money at the no frills grocery and only had to bag the groceries!

Why would anyone fall for this? I should get a substantial discount to do the work. The "think tank" responsible for the concept are full of geniuses. Seriously. Somebody said, "Hey, I have an idea that will save us a fortune! We'll get the customers to work for us! That way, we can lay off half of the checkers, still have the staff (us) to do the work for free and we don't even have to train them or pay benefits"! Brilliant!

It's amazing how marketing people can get us to do their bidding. By disguising the real motive as something new and fancy. Sort of like the joints where they make your pizza, but you have to take it home and cook it. They hire only kids, there is no delivery service costs, the pizza about the same price as a place where they still bake the pies and send you on your way with a delightful meal that you can eat immediately by just opening the box!

Ugh. I really don't like where our customer service industry is headed. But there is one saving grace. At least at the self checkout stations you can still scan your coupons.

See you tomorrow.

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Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott