Crabs!

A lobster and a crayfish went out to dinner. While in the restaurant, the lobster saw a buddy of his and invited him to join them. After introductions, the waiter brought the appetizer. The crayfish ate all of it himself. His lobster friend apologized to the other lobster, saying, "You'll have to forgive him. He's a little shellfish".

Yeah, I know. Dumb joke, but the topic is shellfish and allergies. Shellfish allergies are more common than you might think. Certainly more than I thought, but that's understandable, considering that I get sidetracked by most any shiny object.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, the allergies. According to Wikipedia, the most trusted information source on the Internet (not), "shellfish are not a kind of fish, but are simply water-dwelling animals. Many varieties of shellfish (crustaceans in particular) are actually closely related to insects and arachnids (gross), making up one of the main classes of the phylum Arthropoda. Cephalopods (squid, octopus, cuttlefish) and bivalves (clams, oysters) are molluscs, as are snails and slugs".

I love seafood. A lot. I've eaten most varieties of palatable sea creatures at sushi bars over the years, including raw oysters. I know, you probably think they're gross, but I love 'em. Squeeze a little fresh lemon juice on them... Delicious!

OK, here's the problem. Last night, my wife grilled salmon (yum) and we had some crab legs and baked cauliflower, which I also love as long as it's smothered in cheese so it doesn't taste like cauliflower. So, we started cracking the crab, which takes forever but if you love it, it doesn't seem to matter. I was happily enjoying the crab dipped in butter.

By the time I was nearly finished with dinner, I noticed I was sweating. Then I began to feel dizzy and my throat began to close up. I quickly stopped eating and took some Benadryl. We went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I was still sweating and just couldn’t get comfortable. I finally dozed off, only to wake up at 3 am, wide awake and still sweating.

I took some more Benadryl and watched The Tonight Show, Letterman and an episode of Running Wild, with Bear Grylls, this one featuring Tom Arnold. I thought for sure that show would put me out. No such luck. I finally gave up at 6:30 and started getting things ready for my wife to go to work. I was still sweating.

As I write this blog, it is 8:30 and I'm still sweating. Wow. Who knew? Why now? And why my beloved shellfish??? Why can't I be allergic to cauliflower? So, I started doing some research.

I read on the FARE (Food Allergy Research Education) website that "shellfish can cause severe allergic reactions (such as anaphylaxis). Therefore it is advised that people with shellfish allergy have quick access to an epinephrine auto-injector (such as an EpiPen®, Auvi-Q® or Adrenaclick®) at all times. This allergy usually is lifelong. Approximately 60 percent of people with shellfish allergy experienced their first allergic reaction as adults". Seriously?

I didn't realize that the allergic reaction was that severe. I know that people who are allergic to nuts can go from healthy to extreme danger in a matter of minutes, but apparently its the same with shellfish. Yikes!

I better stop writing and take more Benadryl because I'm still sweating and my throat is beginning to close up again.

See you tomorrow.

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Totaled!

Today has already started out rough. This morning I ran out of Total, so I had to eat 13 bowls of Shredded Wheat.

As a matter of fact, I don't get breakfast at all. Last week, I made some Quaker Oats, you know, with that old guy's picture on the front of the box. I thought, "Wow, how long has this guy been missing?" He's been on that box for a long time. They should just declare him dead and move on. They thought they spotted him last week, but it turned out to be Barbara Bush.

Somehow, eggs became the official breakfast food in America. I really don't know why, but I'm pretty sure there was a farmer involved. He drops into bed late at night, then wakes up to a rooster crowing at 4:30 in the morning. I guess the best way to get even is to eat their young.

It really is a bizarre world we live in. Yesterday, I saw a sign in a car window that read "For Sale by Owner". I thought, who else? "For Sale by Car Jacker" wouldn't work. Like some morning you wake up and say, "Honey, we're running a little low on cash this week. Let's sell the Henderson's Buick."

Come on, it's ridiculous out in our world. They still have to write "Do Not Eat" on those little moisture packets in your new shoes. I picture some knucklehead opening the box and thinking, "Hey, look, a bonus!" It's always the first thing I look for in a shoe box, snacks. Let's face it, if someone is stupid enough to eat those things, they get what they deserve. It's nature's way of thinning the herd.

I don't understand food at all. The grocery stores sell imitation crab meat. Really? Imitation crab meat? What, they couldn't find real crabs? Are they really that difficult to find? And how do they come with "imitation" crab meat. Do they hold auditions for fish who can mimic? "Hey, watch me roll in this butter. Look, I can walk sideways, too!"

And why don't they have mouse flavored cat food? They don't. They have stupid flavors for cats, like beef flavor. Who decided that cats like beef? When was the last time you saw a cat take down a cow? I've yet to see a cat gang out in a pasture saying, "Sush, you'll spook the heard. Ok, Fluffy, you go up the left side. Snow Ball, you go to the right side and rub on her legs a little. And Whitey, you jump up on her neck and do that thing where you move each paw up and down. Then we'll pounce!"

And don't get me started on coffee. Why do we drink this stuff. I do. It gives me bad breath, acid indigestion, and if I drink too much, it makes me nervous. Why is it that nothing from Columbia ever slows you down? Even the snails down there go 50 miles an hour.

Sometimes I drink so much coffee, I can't sleep. I get up in the morning, look in the mirror and see my neon red eyes staring back at me. In fact, sometimes Visine doesn't even work, so I have to use White Out. The brush feels a little weird, but it lasts all day and it doesn't chip.

See you tomorrow.

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