Shih... What??

We went to the zoo yesterday. What a let down. It was in a trailer park and they had only one animal. A shitzu. Rip off.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/17/shih-what/

I'm Not Crazy!!

Some people call me crazy. I know! I don’t like that word. I prefer “Mad as a March hare.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/16/im-not-crazy/

I'm Being Mugged!!

I think if I were being mugged, instead of yelling “Help!”, I would yell, “Free Donuts!” because who doesn’t love a free donut?

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/15/im-getting-mugged/

Valentine's Day. The Worst Day of the Year!!

Never give Valentine's cards unless you're REALLY in love with the person. Every card is like "You're my soul mate, I couldn't live without you, I can't imagine life without you, etc." There should be cards that say, "Even though you're not the one, things are OK."

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/14/valentines-day-the-worst-day-of-the-year/

We Shattered It!!

They say that “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. If that’s the case, I must not be in love with my wife.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/07/we-shattered-the-record/

Blooming Idiot!

A new business owner’s friend sent flowers for the opening, but the card read “Rest in Peace”. The angry owner called the florist, who said, “Sir, I’m really sorry, but don't be angry, imagine this: Somewhere there's a funeral and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/04/blooming-idiot/

Taking the Bullet!

Crickets are really cool little creatures. I love to listen to them at night, unless I’m doing my act.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/30/taking-the-bullet/

The Bachelor!

I think it would be funny if the girls on the bachelor had to take polygraphs with the bachelor in the room. It would certainly speed up the game.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/27/the-bachelor/

Television - Yes!!

Heather and I were sitting in the living room discussing a living will. I said, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” Heather got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of the beer.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/11/television-yes/

Going Down With The Ship!!

Last night I dreamed that I was on a sinking ship. I was freaking out. Turns out I just had a hole in my air mattress.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/10/the-titanic/

The Bachelor! He Picked WHO??

This season, the producers of “The Bachelor” decided to increase the number of contestants to 30, up from 25. One man surrounded by 30 women, all vying for his time. In Utah, we just call that family.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/08/the-bachelor-he-picked-who/

Time Capsule! Drum Roll, Please!!

If I were going to bury a time capsule, I think I would include a jack-in-the-box, open, with the lid to the box holding the clown down. When someone opened it, they would probably wet themselves.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/07/time-capsule-drum-roll-please/

Smart Drunk Guy!!

Last night, the doorbell rang at 3 am. I ran to the door and discovered a slightly drunk guy asking me for a push. I told him to wait until I got dressed. Then, he was gone. I yelled, “Where are you?” He said, “Over here, on the swing.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/05/smart-drunk-guy/

Take My Wife, Please!!

I met a guy at a Christmas party this year, and asked about his year. He said, “I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle and the love of a beautiful woman. Suddenly, it was all gone.” I said, “What happened?” He said, “My wife found out!”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/27/take-my-wife-please/

T'was the Night Before Chris... What Just Happened??

Note to self: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/24/twas-the-night-before-chris-what-just-happened/

Exhausted!!

Yesterday was exhausting! My computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking. Ugh.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/23/exhausted/

Scam!!!

After being stuck in a muddy road, a guy paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. He told the farmer that at those prices, he should be pulling people out of the mud night and day. "Can't", said the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/12/scam/

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

Santa’s not coming to our house anymore. There’s only room for one jolly fat man around here.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/11/oh-christmas-tree-oh-christmas-tree/

Modern Family

Modern Family is exactly like The Waltons, except they don’t all live in the same house, they constantly fight with each other and Pa doesn’t work with wood for a living. Um, actually, forget it. They’re not even close.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/02/28/modern-family/

Are You Insane??

A preacher noticed a little boy trying to ring a doorbell but it was just out of his reach. The Rev walks over to help the boy. After he pressed the doorbell, he asked, “Now what?” The boy turned and shouted, “NOW WE RUN!!”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/04/are-you-insane/