Shih... What??

We went to the zoo yesterday. What a let down. It was in a trailer park and they had only one animal. A shitzu. Rip off.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/17/shih-what/

I'm Not Crazy!!

Some people call me crazy. I know! I don’t like that word. I prefer “Mad as a March hare.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/16/im-not-crazy/

I'm Being Mugged!!

I think if I were being mugged, instead of yelling “Help!”, I would yell, “Free Donuts!” because who doesn’t love a free donut?

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/15/im-getting-mugged/

Valentine's Day. The Worst Day of the Year!!

Never give Valentine's cards unless you're REALLY in love with the person. Every card is like "You're my soul mate, I couldn't live without you, I can't imagine life without you, etc." There should be cards that say, "Even though you're not the one, things are OK."

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/14/valentines-day-the-worst-day-of-the-year/

We Shattered It!!

They say that “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. If that’s the case, I must not be in love with my wife.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/07/we-shattered-the-record/

Blooming Idiot!

A new business owner’s friend sent flowers for the opening, but the card read “Rest in Peace”. The angry owner called the florist, who said, “Sir, I’m really sorry, but don't be angry, imagine this: Somewhere there's a funeral and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/04/blooming-idiot/

Taking the Bullet!

Crickets are really cool little creatures. I love to listen to them at night, unless I’m doing my act.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/30/taking-the-bullet/

The Bachelor!

I think it would be funny if the girls on the bachelor had to take polygraphs with the bachelor in the room. It would certainly speed up the game.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/27/the-bachelor/

Ice Cycles!!

It was so cold in Idaho this past weekend, there were ice cycles inside  the house!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/26/ice-cycles/

I Caught 12 Pounds of Ice!!

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go fishing today. I said "Really? Isn't that your anniversary?" He said, "It doesn't matter. She hasn't even talked to me in two years." I said, "Don't let her go! Women like that are hard to find!"

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/23/i-caught-12-pounds-of-ice/

They Did WHAT??

Women think "Sleepless in Seattle" was a romantic movie. I disagree. Clearly, she was stalking him and therefore the movie should have only been allowed to air on Lifetime.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/12/they-did-what/

Television - Yes!!

Heather and I were sitting in the living room discussing a living will. I said, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” Heather got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of the beer.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/11/television-yes/

Going Down With The Ship!!

Last night I dreamed that I was on a sinking ship. I was freaking out. Turns out I just had a hole in my air mattress.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/10/the-titanic/

The Bachelor! He Picked WHO??

This season, the producers of “The Bachelor” decided to increase the number of contestants to 30, up from 25. One man surrounded by 30 women, all vying for his time. In Utah, we just call that family.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/08/the-bachelor-he-picked-who/

Time Capsule! Drum Roll, Please!!

If I were going to bury a time capsule, I think I would include a jack-in-the-box, open, with the lid to the box holding the clown down. When someone opened it, they would probably wet themselves.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/07/time-capsule-drum-roll-please/

Smart Drunk Guy!!

Last night, the doorbell rang at 3 am. I ran to the door and discovered a slightly drunk guy asking me for a push. I told him to wait until I got dressed. Then, he was gone. I yelled, “Where are you?” He said, “Over here, on the swing.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/05/smart-drunk-guy/

Run Forrest, Run!

My wife is a runner. She’s not very fast, though. She almost escaped from me three times.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/03/run-forrest-run/

We Got Ripped Off!!

Marty McFly, in “Back to the Future II”, promised us hover boards among other things, but most of all, time travel! Where is it??

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/02/we-got-ripped-off/

Happy New Year! What? Nothing Changed??

Well, its here. 2015. Kinda feels like yesterday, except I'm exhausted from celebrating the arrival of the New Year.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/01/happy-new-year-what-nothing-changed/

Take My Wife, Please!!

I met a guy at a Christmas party this year, and asked about his year. He said, “I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle and the love of a beautiful woman. Suddenly, it was all gone.” I said, “What happened?” He said, “My wife found out!”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/27/take-my-wife-please/