We Shattered It!!

They say that “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. If that’s the case, I must not be in love with my wife.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/07/we-shattered-the-record/

Yikes! I Messed Up!

This morning I wished my wife a happy anniversary. She reminded me that it is tomorrow. We’ll have a happy anniversary tomorrow, but now I’m not so sure about today.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/06/yikes-i-got-it-wrong/

Hey You!!

I’m 18 years older than my wife and sometimes her name slips my memory. Once, I used the wrong name. I ended up losing 30 pounds with my jaw wired shut.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/20/hey-you/

Take My Wife, Please!!

I met a guy at a Christmas party this year, and asked about his year. He said, “I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle and the love of a beautiful woman. Suddenly, it was all gone.” I said, “What happened?” He said, “My wife found out!”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/27/take-my-wife-please/

Strike Three!

People always want to know how I've been married four times. Its easy. Anyone can do it. Just get three divorces. Sheesh.

Need Some Laughs? "The Twisted Musings of a Comedian" is on sale, now!

I'm the last person anyone should seek marital advice from. I was given Larry King a run for his money at one point. I keep an attorney and a minister on retainer at all times. You never know.

The problem with marriage is your partner. Its not all their fault, it's just that you always have to keep them happy. That's the tough part. Its hard enough for me to make myself happy, let alone throwing someone else in the mix.

I think I may be addicted to honeymoons. Right. An addiction! That gets me off the hook. It's a disease! I'm free!! But wait! Why isn't there a 12-step program? Real diseases have one.* Crap. Well, I have to create one. Let's see...

HA Step 1:

"I admit I am powerless over honeymoons and that my life has become unmanageable." Duh.

HA Step 2:

I believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity." This would be child support and alimony.

HA Step 3:

"I will make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him." Therefore, I will expect him to instantly hit me with a meteor any time divorce and remarriage cross my mind.

HA Step 4:

"I must make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself." That should be easy. I'm obviously out of my mind and in need of medication.

HA Step 5:

"Admit to God, to mysef and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs." That part should be easy. I'll just briefly mention it to my brother, Fred. He was always my best man.

HA Step 6:

"I'm entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." In fact, I'm begging Him. Please blind me from all great looking women!

HA Step 7:

"I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings." The ability to still like the person at least a couple of weeks after the honeymoon.

HA Step 8:

"Make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all." Ok, but not with them all in the same room. CSI would inevitably be involved.

HA Step 9:

"Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." This one I can blow by, because I would be injured. Yeah, definitely.

HA Step 10:

"Continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admitted it." This will eliminate the arguments that make the next honeymoon possible.

HA Step 11:

"Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. And that my spouse won't constantly annoy me."

HA Step 12:

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I will try to carry this message to honeymoon addicts and to practice these principles in all my affairs." Affairs may be a poor choice of words here. I'll have to think that one through.

*I have great respect for those who live by actual 12 step processes. You are truly amazing people.

So far, 16 years on the current marriage, shattering the previous record of 9 years. Maybe I should take my wife, Heather, on a honeymoon.

See you tomorrow.

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Infidelity

I thought about going into politics but I could never cheat on my wife.

You're Funny! You Should Be A Comedian!

Many women are attracted by men in powerful positions. Many men in powerful positions like to take advantage of those opportunities. We know about the exploits of Presidents Kennedy and Clinton, but we also know that there are many we don't know about.

Senators, corporate executives, professional athletes, movie and television stars, etc. There are so many affairs that are hushed up with money and promotions. Others are very public and people become famous without any talent.

Steve Garvey, who had the image of Mr. America when he was with the Los Angeles Dodgers, decided to go into politics. Bad move. Suddenly, news stories broke out about him fathering babies from different women. Dan Marino allegedly fathered a child quite a few years ago.

It's not my place to judge any of these people. We all do things that we later regret. The difference is that if I do something wrong, there will be no paparazzi at my front door.

Hollywood stars are notorious for having affairs. Leading men and women who have love scenes, working for months at a time away from home makes for the perfect storm. They can get away with nothing. Too many reporters, rumor mongers and even TV shows that are dedicated solely for entertainment love interests.

It's expected behavior for Hollywood stars. So much so, that we marvel at famous couples who stay together. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Alan Alda and his wife, who is not famous and... I'm sure there are more, but we don't hear about them because fidelity doesn't sell.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was no surprise. His womanizing is legendary, yet it was big news because it was a high profile marriage. Everyone was shocked when Bruce Willis divorced Demi Moore (this was before she adopted Ashton Kutcher). Willis defended himself by proclaiming that men are not wired for monogamy.

One thing is for certain. Affairs cause pain, even in Hollywood. The innocent spouse is impacted, along with children from the marriage. Remember how devastated Sandra Bullock was when Jesse James cheated on her? How about Brad & Jenn?

High profile relationships must certainly be difficult. Even when there's nothing going on, the couple will still wind up in the rumor mill. I guess it's to be expected, which is horrible. I wish the expectations were different, but the divorce rate is more than 50%, so high profile or not, there's a lot of hanky panky going on.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm running late for my marriage class with Tiger Woods.

See you tomorrow.

You're Funny! You Should Be A Comedian!

Peace and Quiet

Peace and Quiet. I can have one, but never both. I'm married.

I love my wife. Hopefully, most people love their spouses. Based on the numbers, only half of us do.

I think it might be that we get too busy to care. You know; soccer, dance recitals, music, plays, homework, homework, homework... There is little time left for each other.

Quality time in this day and age is finding the least expensive divorce attorney. Everyone needs to talk and be heard. Or, at least feel that way. If we get too busy, so the children, activities and pets take complete priority, your spouse will find someone else to talk with.

So, quite the conundrum, isn't it? I'm currently reading "The Five Love Languages". It's a great book for any couple, married or not. I think it's safe to say that we all have certain expectations, based upon our childhood experience, of how we want to be sure we are loved. We rarely get that.

So, how do we know we're loved? Look for it. Maybe your significant other grew up with a family that never expressed their love verbally, and that's what you are looking for. That can be a recipe for disaster, the book says. I agree. Unfortunately, my wife grew up in a home where the greatest symbol of love involved the middle finger.

We all have certain ways we tell each other  "I love you". You will miss them if you're looking for something else. That would be a shame, because that is what we're looking for.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife is "telling" me she loves me. Oy...

See you tomorrow.

Men can't sell women's underwear

Saudi Arabia men were recently banned from selling female underwear. They were also banned from wearing them.

True Story. It was enacted on this date just last year. At least the selling part. That's most likely why we don't see men working at Victoria Secret. Can you imagine? "How was work today, Dear?" "It was horrible. No one could make up their minds, so they had to keep trying everything on until I convinced them they were very sexy."

There isn't a wife that I know who would ever let that happen. First off, you'd have to see your doctor to see if your heart is strong enough for the job. Not while you work, but the brutal beatings you'd get when you got home every day.

I wouldn't want to sell underwear to either sex. Ringing it up? Okay. Stocking the shelves? Okay. Helping a guy find the pair of boxers that will turn on the magic? No. Hell no. Ain't gonna happen.

Some things are better left to the individual. Like choosing deodorant, feminine products, preparation H... I have a good friend who is a pharmacist. I don't know how he does it every day. They get some very strange and sometimes gross questions. Hasn't anyone heard of Webmd.com? Get your answer before you go to the store.

That being said, I need your help. I have this rash...

See you tomorrow.

Commitment

I've been married so many times, I have rice marks on my face.

4 times, to be exact. How does that happen? Easy. Just get divorced three times.

I know I have commitment issues. I always have. I'm getting better as I age (don't ask my wife), most likely because I'm a tiny bit less stubborn, and willing to say I'm sorry, instead of getting defensive when I've done something wrong.

Why now? For starters, it's the right thing to do. Secondly, I don't want another divorce.

There is an upside to all of this. 4 honeymoons! That's a joke. It's embarrassing to admit to the number of marriages, although this time it will be 15 years in a month or so.

I've had many jobs. I've always been paid well, and when I found a better offer, I almost always jumped at it. Companies have commitment issues as well. There's no such thing as company/employee loyalty today. When the company finds someone who can do what you do, and is willing to do it for less, see ya.

Knowing that, it made sense to me to jump at better offers. Most of the time, it worked well, but not always. Once or twice it was disastrous. All in all, it worked out well.

Doing stand up always helped keep me sort of stable, and was handy when I wanted a little extra cash. Teaching stand up and improvisation was something I loved, cash or not. I loved it.

I published my curriculum in two books, "You're Funny! You Should Be A Comedian!" and "The Hosting Survival Guide". Click here to take a peek.

For having made a good living, for a long time, you'd think I'd have a pretty decent nest egg. Nope. The moral? Divorces are expensive.

See you tomorrow.

Runners

The only way I would run 26.2 miles is if clown with a bloody knife was chasing me.

I just started running as a means to relieve stress, lose weight and gain strength. The stress and strength part is working. Peanut M&Ms are keeping the weight from coming off. I'm only training for a 5K,and then we'll see where that takes me. 

Most runners, I think are basically crazy. But they all have reasons for running. Some run to relieve stress, others just had fun doing it, while others are completely addicted to it.

There is an amazing group of people that I know, who run for others who can't run for themselves. These people makeup the Hometown Heroes. This amazing group of people train for events that vary from 5K runs to Marathons, and more.

They train for months at a time, in Utah, beginning in November. They brave the elements; freezing temperatures, snow, ice, etc.; so they can raise money for The Huntsman Cancer Foundation.

These selfless people work very hard for various reasons. Some are cancer survivors, others have lost loved ones to this horrid disease, while others deeply believe in the cause.

The Heroes raise hundreds of thousands of dollars each year to fight cancer, and it's not through pledges based on how many miles they run. Between runs, they seek donations any way they can. They are dedicated!

Led by Elfi Ortenburger and assisted by Rick Ortenburger, her husband, Elfi never asks for or receives a dime for her endless work training new and experienced runners, planning the training routes and distances for each, not to mention running and fundraising too.

The Ortenburgers are great friends, and great people, as well. You can help this great cause by either running or volunteering to help out, if you live in Utah, or by donating through the organization, wherever you are.

Go to their website: http://www.huntsmancancer.org/giving/huntsman-cancer-foundation/events/huntsman-hometown-heroes and see how you can help. 

We've all been touched by cancer, now you can help in the effort to wipe it out! 

Oh, but I'm serious about the clown.

Get my books at Amazon.com 

Dreams of a Boy

When I was a kid, I dreamed of the good life.houses, cars, money, women. Then I got married and blew the whole thing.

Obviously, a joke. The truth is, I've been married 4 times. I know! After the third wife, who started doing meth, the night before the wedding, I decided that was it. No more. Her family told me afterward, that her first marriage ended the same way. Information that might have been helpful eight months earlier!!

I won't mention who she is, or from where she's from. That would be unkind. I'll only say her name is Sandy Beckmann, and she lives in Fredericksburg, Texas.

Now George Clooney has the right idea. He's living the life. Now people are saying he's gay, just because he hasn't married. They spread the same rumors about Rock Hudson... Uh oh...

I wound up with 3 wonderful children, and bad credit. The children and grandkids make it all worthwhile, except for the one from Texas.