Never give Valentine's cards unless you're REALLY in love with the person. Every card is like "You're my soul mate, I couldn't live without you, I can't imagine life without you, etc." There should be cards that say, "Even though you're not the one, things are OK."
http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/14/valentines-day-the-worst-day-of-the-year/
When I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag to my mouth and drink all of the wine inside.
I am a captive in my own home. It wasn't always like that...
The year was1989. I was on top of my game. I was backstage, waiting to perform in front of two thousand people, opening for Sinbad. It was my first big show. I was very scared. "What if I bomb?" "What if they hate me?" "What if I forget my set (routine)?" My manager wanted to talk to me right before the show started. I snapped at him and told him I needed to focus. I was a wreck. Suddenly, I heard my name from the emcee, the curtain opened a bit and here I go. No turning back.
It went well. Sinbad's agent, Beverly Muse, found me and said, "What are we going to do about your career?" We? Did she just say we? What does that mean? Is she going to sign me? She told me to lose 20 pounds and get my tooth fixed. I had chipped a portion of one of my front teeth. I did those things and went to see her. She signed me to a contract that day. That was a good day.
That year I went on to work with Michael Winslow, the guy who did all of the sound effects for the police academy movies, Gilbert Gottfried (yes, he's a little different) and Jazz great, David Benoit. It was a very good year.
Things went well from then on. I worked in the regular Hollywood clubs with my friend, Keith Stubbs. I shared the stage regularly with Pauley Shore, Carlos Mencia, Marc Price (Skippey, from Family Ties), Louie Anderson and many more comics who had or were on their way to fame and fortune.
There's something about this business that is like a drug. If it "gets in your blood", you're hooked. Keith and I would find a stage somewhere, 7 nights a week. If we found nothing available, we'd go find a bar who featured a live band and ask them if we could do comedy when they took a break. It was intoxicating, and it never ended.
Keith and I even took classes at the World Famous Groundings Theater, where many of the cast from Saturday Night Live came from. The classes were great, tough and very expensive. They were also worth every penny.
Keith and I then took very different directions. He went on the road like a mad man, doing 300 shows a year. Amazing. I stayed in the Hollywood scene, got a new manager and got some great opportunities. I had a contract to perform on Friday and Saturday nights at the Le Meridian Hotel, in Irvine, California. This was a very upscale Hotel. I still worked as many nights as possible. Life was crazy.
I performed with an improv troupe called "The Orange County Crazies" where I met some life long friends. I stayed a year before I moved on. One Fourth of July, I headlined an outdoor door show for ten thousand people. That was awesome!
I then started a comedy school and production company, got involved with some major motion pictures and had a local television show. I was still performing road gigs while the school grew to 6 locations, 22 showrooms improv classes, kids comedy classes. It was nuts.
Then, everything came to a screeching halt. My body and brain couldn't handle it anymore. My insane life style had caught up with me. So now, I stay at home, most days, never leaving the house. I have no complaints. I lived my dream and had a blast.
So, now I'm trying to get back to a place where I can be more productive, while at the same time, being aware of limitations.
I'm very grateful to have had the opportunity to live my dream, so if I complain, someone please slap me.
See you tomorrow.
Check out my books at Amazon.com or click here.
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Congressman: "Well, its good to see Senator Akin back. Akin back, that's a joke, son, a joke!"
There is a 101-year-old man running for Congress as an 'anthropological progressive'. He says, "My hope is that we make people reflect on what you want from your society." Really? We can make a difference?
Joe Newman is running to represent Florida's 16th Congressional District. His aim is to eliminate poverty. Something tells me that a 101 year old person wouldn't be afraid to stand up against the blowhards running the joint now. Lobbyists would represent adult diapers, Polident and Virginia. Political bullies couldn’t threaten his political career. Its the perfect solution.
I think every politician elected to serve our interests should be at least 70 years old. Mere youngsters to Mr. Newman, but I think there would be far less corruption, fraud, waste and abuse. I think our representatives would get far more accomplished and might actually listen, albeit through hearing aids, to the people they represent.
There would have to be an official congressional nap time, but many of our current politicians sleep through sessions now, anyway. At least these people would speak their mind and mean what they say.
There would be fewer bathroom breaks, due to the use of depends, so more work would get done. Actually, the amount of time saying, "What did she say?" might slow things down and offset the bathroom break issue. Then again, everyone could use headphones, adjustable, so they can hear.
There wouldn't be so many standing ovations during The State of the Union Address by phony members of Congress who really hate what the President is saying. In fact, the President would have to tell the truth, because these elderly people would have no problem interrupting the speech.
These people have seen it all. They've been through wars, tough economic times and political scandals to know better than to serve themselves, instead their constituents. They know their life span is short, so they'll feel the need to accomplish much before their "tenure" is up.
I also think that if a congressional delegate passes away, their spouse should automatically take their place and continue the work their partner was involved with.
I also think there would be fewer wars involving other countries, where the US gets involved. I think foreign aid would be nearly gone and they would bolster our domestic defenses, while balancing the budget and eliminating our national debt. No more government shutdowns.
Who knows for sure that it would work, but I think it would be a lot better than what we have today. So, you run, Joe Newman, you run. If I lived in your district, you would have my vote.
See you tomorrow.
Check out my books at Amazon.com or click here.
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Congressman: "Well, its good to see Senator Akin back. Akin back, that's a joke, son, a joke!"
There is a 101-year-old man running for Congress as an 'anthropological progressive'. He says, "My hope is that we make people reflect on what you want from your society." Really? We can make a difference?
Joe Newman is running to represent Florida's 16th Congressional District. His aim is to eliminate poverty. Something tells me that a 101 year old person wouldn't be afraid to stand up against the blowhards running the joint now. Lobbyists would represent adult diapers, Polident and Virginia. Political bullies couldn’t threaten his political career. Its the perfect solution.
I think every politician elected to serve our interests should be at least 70 years old. Mere youngsters to Mr. Newman, but I think there would be far less corruption, fraud, waste and abuse. I think our representatives would get far more accomplished and might actually listen, albeit through hearing aids, to the people they represent.
There would have to be an official congressional nap time, but many of our current politicians sleep through sessions now, anyway. At least these people would speak their mind and mean what they say.
There would be fewer bathroom breaks, due to the use of depends, so more work would get done. Actually, the amount of time saying, "What did she say?" might slow things down and offset the bathroom break issue. Then again, everyone could use headphones, adjustable, so they can hear.
There wouldn't be so many standing ovations during The State of the Union Address by phony members of Congress who really hate what the President is saying. In fact, the President would have to tell the truth, because these elderly people would have no problem interrupting the speech.
These people have seen it all. They've been through wars, tough economic times and political scandals to know better than to serve themselves, instead their constituents. They know their life span is short, so they'll feel the need to accomplish much before their "tenure" is up.
I also think that if a congressional delegate passes away, their spouse should automatically take their place and continue the work their partner was involved with.
I also think there would be fewer wars involving other countries, where the US gets involved. I think foreign aid would be nearly gone and they would bolster our domestic defenses, while balancing the budget and eliminating our national debt. No more government shutdowns.
Who knows for sure that it would work, but I think it would be a lot better than what we have today. So, you run, Joe Newman, you run. If I lived in your district, you would have my vote.
See you tomorrow.
Check out my books at Amazon.com or click here.
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
My uncle was a circus clown before he died … All of his friends came to the funeral in one car. Insert rim shot.
According to USA today, there is a growing shortage of professional clowns. The number has dipped from about 3,500 to roughly 2,500. Circus officials are very concerned about clown attrition. Is that even a thing?
There are professional clown schools. You can even take on-line courses at First Internet Clown School, where you can learn clown skills: makeup, balloons, magic and more. No joke. It's for real.
There's even a clown college; RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM & BAILEY CLOWN COLLEGE, to be exact. This might be one of the problems. In order to be selected, you have to submit a DVD, showing off your clown skills, along with a bio and portfolio. Who's going to jump through so many hoops (sorry) to become a clown?
Can you imagine a kid having a conversation with their parents? "So, Susan, have you decided on a college?" "Yes, I've decided to attend Clown College." it was bad enough telling my father I was going to be a comedian.
The clown shortage is a good thing for people afraid of clowns. A genuine condition, called "coulrophobia". I'm not sure why a person would be afraid of a clown unless the saw the movie, "IT", authored by Stephen King. That clown was scary.
I also remember Red Skelton dressed as a clown on his TV show. Very funny. After retiring from show business, Skelton began painting pictures of clowns which were so good, they sold for thousands of dollars.
We still have Fazio, Eric Stonestreet's character on Modern Family, and Krusty the Clown on The Simpsons. Outside of that, no other clowns come to mind. When I was a kid, Bozo the Crown had his own daytime TV show.
There's also Ronald McDonald around. He is an icon for the fast food chain. In addition to making appearances at grand openings, he also visits very sick children near Ronald McDonald Houses around the country.
What about rodeo clowns? While there is no mention of the reduction of rodeo clowns, one such clown in Texas is becoming famous without intending to do so. Tuffy Gessling wore a mask which resembled President Obama at a rodeo earlier this month. He didn’t think that he was sparking any controversy.
In an interview, Gessling said, “I didn’t do this to do any hating on anyone. I did this to be funny. I did it to be a joke. I didn’t think anything more of it than what we’ve done 15 years ago, ten years ago, five years ago, when we’ve done it with Bush, Clinton and Ronald Reagan.” This time, however, Gessling is getting death threats. Ridiculous.
I couldn't finish the blog without giving mention to other famous big screen clowns, like Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger, who played "The Joker" in the "Batman" series. Finally, there was a film called "Attack of the Killer Clowns", where alien clowns invaded the earth.
Hopefully, as you read this, you will consider attending clown college. Maybe together we can save the clowns.
See you tomorrow.
Check out my books at Amazon.com or click here.
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
When a young person goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got this pain in my side", the doctor gives him a prescription. When I do the exact same thing, the doctor says, "Oooh, that's gotta come out."
I'm not a hypochondriac, I've just had a lot of things go haywire in the last 12 years. I think it all started when I donated a kidney to my nephew. People tag that act as brave, noble or stupid, but the truth is, I think most people would do it if someone was going to die without donating.
Anyhoo, the other kidney started acting up, but eventually settled down. Then I started having trouble with my heart. It would, under stressful conditions, beat at a very rapid rate, which I thought was kind of cool because it eliminated the need for exercise. My heart rate was already better than most athletes! Ha! In your face, Mr. Bowflex!
Then I found out that the rapid heart beat can kill you. So, I had an ablation done, where they go in your heart, kind of like an angiography, and burn out the extra circuit in your heart thats causing the rapid heart beat. Done. The end. Good as new!
Wrong. I began having bouts with diverticulitis, which is extremely painful and can cause a perforated bowel. If the perforation is bad enough, it can prove to be fatal. Are you kidding me? I knew my mother had mentioned that she had it, but she was never hospitalized with it. I thought it was mostly an inconvenience and would go away with a simple diet change.
Then one morning to intense pain in my lower left side. I just thought it was the stomach flu, so I waited. The pain didn't stop. My wife took me to the emergency room and I would call that hospital home for a week. No food, only ice chips a couple of times a day. I guess there was an infection.
It cleared up, but never really went away. After a couple of hospital stays, I was advised that, if I wanted to live, I needed a colon resection, which is where they open your abdomen and yank out the damaged colon. So, they removed a foot of intestine and I was cured! Sweet!
The problem was that they discovered the damage to the intestine while they were removing my appendix. I know! I felt like telling them to just take whatever they could while they were in there; gall blatter, spleen, etc.
I then developed pseudo seizures, which cause me to pass out under certain conditions, like going to the store, a party, a busy restaurant, anywhere there are a lot of people. Great. I'm a comedian! How can this be? Well, for good reasons, which I won't go into, I ended up with PTSD, panic attacks, accute anxiety, social anxiety and agoraphobia. Terrific.
Next, I tore the rotator cuff in my right shoulder, but delayed going to a doctor until I could no longer lift my arm. So, they rebuilt my shoulder, which is now fine. They said the rotator cuff muscle was torn completely from the shoulder, the bicep tendon was torn in half, there was something else torn, there were bone spurs and arthritis. Of course. I do nothing half way.
Then, a couple of years ago, one of the twins ran away from home. I woke up in severe pain and said, away, nuts! I went to see my doctor, who works on Saturday (is that even legal?) and told him I thought I had a Urinary tract infection. He agreed but, just in case, he wanted to send me to the hospital for a sonogram.
Next thing I know, they're wheeling me into emergency surgery, trying to save it. Of course, they couldn't. Now they call me lefty. When they were wheeling me into the OR, I heard Heather yell, "I'll still love you, even if you're half a man!" Hardy har har. But, it's OK. I ended up having a ball.
And lastly, I thought it would be good to exercise. That would be bound to help, right? I started running slowly, doing one of those couch to 5K programs. I was very happy about it. I trained for 8 weeks and ran a 5K! Awesome! Then both of my knees hurt pretty bad. I was advised by a great friend and running coach to just stop and let my knees heal.
Naturally, only the right knee healed. So, here we go again. Surgery on the left knee. Torn meniscus. Beautiful. So, I'm recovering from that. Yesterday, I messed up my back, leaning over to put the dogs on their leash to go outside. To top it off, this morning, I have gout in my left foot.
It must be a sight to behold, watching me hobble around the house with a healing knee, severe back pain and gout. Ridiculous. Now, I know there are people who are certainly worse off than me, so I'm not complaining. As a comedian, its all very funny to me.
As I approach 58, I'm looking forward to my sixties. What else could go wrong? There's really nothing more to remove, my heart, liver and kidney are all in good shape and I no longer work or drive? I suppose a plane could crash into my house, but what are the chances?
See you tomorrow.
Check out my books at Amazon.com or click here.
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
