T'was the Night Before Chris... What Just Happened??

Note to self: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/24/twas-the-night-before-chris-what-just-happened/

You Have the Right to Remain Silent!!

I was arrested yesterday for the first time in my life. A jerk tried to give me a Christmas greeting, so I decked him. I don’t like being called Mary.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/17/you-have-the-right-to-remain-silent/

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

Santa’s not coming to our house anymore. There’s only room for one jolly fat man around here.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/11/oh-christmas-tree-oh-christmas-tree/

Pong! The Greatest Video Game Ever?

When my son was a kid, he played so many video football games, he came down with Madden Cow Disease.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/09/pong-the-greatest-video-game-ever/

Shopping? Please, No!

Last week, my wife and I went shopping for clothes. A lady in front of us at the checkout pulled out her wallet and a remote control. The cashier asked what was up with the remote and the woman said, "Well, he wouldn't go shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even."

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-05-06-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-12-09-05-06-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-05-06-1.png" /></a>

Today was the first fireplace day. I have mixed emotions about it. I love the fire that offsets the outside chill, but it always signals a fall clothing trip. When we go to get just a few things, I can take it. I hate it, but I can handle it.

But this upcoming trip is for the Fall Season! A whole season! And it just can't be put off. Last year's sweaters are "so last year" and will not be acceptable this year under any circumstances.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-06-13-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-12-09-06-13-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-06-13-1.png" /></a>

I gave up fighting about it years ago. Besides, she knows how to bribe me. We always go to Tanger Outlets in Park City, Utah, which holds about 4,000 stores, but nearby is one of my favorite restaurants. Done and done. I can't resist.

So, off I go on an all day (ugh) shopping expedition. I call it an expedition because we embark on a trip with nothing particular in mind. That's the part that really drives me nuts. When I shop for anything, I know what I want and get in and out and on with the day.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-06-43-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-12-09-06-43-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-06-43-1.png" /></a>

When WE shop, we hit every single store in the whole center, even if she knows that she's not going to buy something in some of the shops. If I ask why, she tells me not to spoil the experience for her.

I just don't understand the concept of "window shopping". What's the point? Doesn't it just set you up for a let down? I know it does with my wife. On the way home, she always says, "I should have bought that (insert clothing item here)". Then we go back to get it the following week, only it's gone by then, so we have to search every store to find something similar.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-08-10-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-12-09-08-10-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-08-10-1.png" /></a>

I always try to talk her into buying the item(s) at the time, but she says she doesn't want to spend the money. So, we end up spending $20 more on gas for the trip back, only to come back empty handed with a very frustrated wife, which also means no dinner this time.

The other thing that drives me nuts is she never tries on the clothing. Never. I always suggest it, only to hear, "I know what size I wear". I try to appeal to her sense of logic and reason by reminding her that different brands fit differently in the same size. Nope. We get home and at least two of the items don't fit.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-10-07-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-12-09-10-07-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-10-07-1.png" /></a>

Now, if they don't fit because they're too big, that's a good thing. But if they're too small, God help me. It's going to be a rough couple of days. "No, Sweetheart, you haven’t gained weight. You look wonderful!" We all know that doesn't work, and yet it's the only weapon we have to avoid becoming the target.

<a href="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-05-06-1.png"><img title="Screenshot_2014-09-12-09-05-06-1.png" class="alignnone size-full" alt="image" src="https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/wpid-screenshot_2014-09-12-09-05-06-1.png" /></a>

I think next time, I'm going to refuse to go... After I buy a spare remote.

See you tomorrow.

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Too Much Pumpkin!

I can hardly wait for fall! Soon it will be all things pumpkin. Last year, I ate so much pumpkin that I went through horrible withdrawals when the season ended. It got so bad, I had to use a pumpkin patch. (insert rim shot)

Check out my funny books on Amazon.com. Now available for Kindle!

There’s something about this time of year that is so awesome. After a hot summer, the coolness in the air is wonderful, the crisp mornings, the leaves changing color and the New York Mets watching the World Series at home.

The best holidays land in the fall. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are all coming up fast. Retailers are busy preparing for back to school sales, but I'm also seeing Halloween merchandise in the ads and on the shelves. For many, this is their favorite holiday. Really?

I don't get it. There is very little I like about Halloween. We can't wait to open the door and hand out treats to perfect strangers. In this day and age, that's just plain dangerous. How do we know that the kids on the porch, hiding behind masks, are not merely neerdowell midgets just waiting for the right time to conduct a home invasion?

Many people like to create a very scary environment for the trick or treaters. This is not wise because many of the treat seekers are older kids and I don't think I want to tick them off just before they get to my door. They can't be trusted. Your house could get egged or, at the very least tp'd. That's just nasty business.

I'm in favor of the honor system. Just leave a big bowl of candy on the porch and let the kids help themselves while you go out to dinner. You'll lose the bowl, but that's a small price to pay for avoiding the potential pitfalls this night might hold.

There are some things I enjoy about Halloween. I like to go through the candy before the little freeloaders arrive and remove the best candy bars to eat later on while watching "Scary Movie 15".

We have a tradition of making homemade chili out of the can, with processed cheese and just enough onion to turn your breath into an invisible deadly vapor and completely obliterate any hope of a more amorous trick or treat session later. The meal is not very healthy, but it tastes great.

Thanksgiving is a great holiday, too. I love it. You know who else loves it? Bulimics. It's "binge and purge day" for them. I think I might have just crossed the line, so I better end this blog. I just hope that there are no bulimic midgets reading it. If they find out where I live, there's going to be trouble.

image

See you tomorrow.

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Buying for your wife - yikes!

I'm your typical guy, which means I screw up every Christmas. Among other wrong items, I bought her a complete car detail. Bad move. I might just as well given her a chainsaw.

I think the problem is that I just don't listen intently enough. Most guys don't, and that's my problem. I've heard her say she would live to have her car completely detailed, so it looks new. I nailed it! Or so I thought.

She also needed a watch. I know Fossil makes a good one, so I got her one similar to the one I got her last time, with a different look. I heard two things: how much she loved the Bullova I gave her last time, and that she wanted something bigger and funkier. I'm not good with funkier, so I went the more conservative direction. Bad move.

I'm not criticizing my wife. She nailed it for me, as always. She really listens. She's awesome at it. I'm not. I need to be. I need help. I know I have a large female audience, and I need a volunteer to help me out. Bounce ideas off of before I screw things up again.

Her birthday is coming up in a month,  then our 15th wedding anniversary, then Valentine's day a week later. Help!

I suffer from seizures. Last night,  after working up the courage to talk to me about it, something I a admired because I know how difficult it had to be for her and it was the right thing to do. The problem is that soon after, I took a seizure related backdrop on the kitchen floor.

Please, I need a female volunteer that she doesn't know to help me. That chainsaw is looking pretty good right now... volunteers?

See you tomorrow.

Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas to those I love and/or can tolerate.

I don't know about you, but I seem to be contacted by people I really don't care for. The problem is that you have to pretend you're glad they contacted you,  so the cycle starts all over again.

I'm not foolish enough to think that I am probably that guy to someone. I'll probably never know.

Once, I was in line at the customer service area to exchange a gift one ofv these people had given me, unaware the individual was two spots behind me. I made some lame excuse about an aunt needing surgery and booked it.

Popcorn tins are the items that are the most interesting to me. There's no more effective way to say "I really don't want to buy anything for you,  but I feel obligated to do so. So if you got one this year...

I wad doing s Corporate Christmas party and I did that joke. The employees nearly fell off their chairs,  laughing hard. One of them said "That's what our owners gave us." Oops.

I think these tins are like fruitcake. They are purchased, but never for the purchaser. They're given to others, that we don't like.

So, I wish you s very merry Christmas, unless you got a fruitcake or popcorn tin.

See you tomorrow.

Happy Stressful Holidays!

It's never really the official start of the holidays until someone in the family has a nervous meltdown.

Let's face it, we all know it's a stressful time for everyone. Why? We choose to make it so. Even the kids are stressed. Will I get the X-Box? The doll house? The cellphone?

One of my favorite Christmas movies is "Christmas Vacation". Aside from the side splitting laughter, there is a great line delivered by Clark's Dad. He tells Clark that his problem is that he's trying to create the perfect Christmas and then says "There's no such thing."

If we could truly understand that, we could relieve the stress. It all starts with creating the perfect Thanksgiving for family and friends. There's no need. i get the fact that a young woman will want the house perfect, as well as the meal, especially if it's the first hosting opportunity.

Then comes Black Friday. Insane. Millions of melt downs on that day, and it officially starts the holiday shopping frenzy. Some people love it. They actually enjoy standing out in a line of people sickles, only to discover that most can't get what they came for anyway. Those deals are snatched up by those who willingly destroyed their Thanksgiving by standing in line about noon on Thursday.

Traffic, post office, wrapping, oops - I forgot about Aunt Sallie, unexpected gifts that force you to brave the last minute crowds, baking...

It's no wonder so many people get wasted on New Years eve. It's the culmination of all of the insanity. Time to put the holiday season behind us and relax. Some don't drink and find other ways to let it go.

Tomorrow, I will give you some great ways to have a sane holiday season. Right now, however, I have to check my budget because I just got a popcorn tin from my neighbor.

See you tomorrow.

It's December!

I think Santa Claus is better than Bigfoot. They're both hairy, have never been seen, but Santa brings gifts and eats cookies. Bigfoot doesn't do that. 

As was the scene again this year, on black Wednesday, Thursday or Friday, depending on the store, we get to see the greediness that is such a tell tale sign that something has gone terribly wrong with the way we prepare to celebrate Christmas. A local Wal-Mart made national news because two women were trampled by people who were so overcome by greed, they had no concern for the well being of others. 

The irony was that every person who was in the store for the first hour, was guaranteed to get the item that drove these people to their madness. In addition, Wal-Mart's on line store had the very same item, at the same price. 

I think too many of us go way too far with gift giving. I like to open gifts as much as the next guy, but I think it's no wonder that so many of us grow up thinking it's all about shopping, giving and receiving.

I think giving gifts to the children is a no brainer, as long as it's not too much. It isn't about presents. Its about getting together with friends and family, the ones that you actually like.

I hate gatherings on Christmas Day,  just so people can show off what they "got". I don't think it's their fault. They were raised that way. I just don't like it. Never have. 

I love holiday traditions. My wife and I,  on Christmas Eve, go to one of our favorite restaurants, go home and do some wrapping. All the while, with "A Christmas Story" playing on TV. Then, its off to 7-11, to buy some hot dogs.

Really? Hot dogs? 13 years ago, I didn't get off work in time to go to a restaurant, and the local 7-11 was the only place open, so our dinner consisted of hot dogs. So, since that day, we always get 7-11 hot dogs for a late snack. Then, we each open what we both know will be pajama bottoms.

Since our children and grandchildren are scattered around the country, I love to talk with them, as well as with my Mother. That makes my Christmas. I need nothing else. 

We always get one gift for each of the grandchildren, send money to the kids and wait for the pictures of thellittle ones playing with their toys. Really, is there anything better than the look of surprise and the genuine happiness you see on a child's face when theyoopen their presents? 

I think, in the spirit of giving thanks for what we're really celebrating, the birth of The Christ, it would be a great tradition to give a needy family either a full Christmas dinner or gifts for the kids. How great would that be?

Let us realize that Christmas is all about people, and so little about presents.

Merry Christmas to you all!

See you tomorrow. 

My new book, The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II, will be available on Amazon.com just in time for Christmas! 

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