Take My Wife, Please!

Last year, we were burglarized in the middle of the night and never heard a thing. The guy was caught the next day and I told the cop I wanted to talk to the guy. "I need to know how he got in the house without waking my wife. I've been trying that for years!"

There are smart thieves, like in "Ocean's 11" and "The Italian Job", but there are more stupid crooks by far. Here are some examples that I find particularly funny.

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a guy tried to steal computers from a college but got stuck in one of the windows. Oh the irony.

Another guy broke into a home in Portland, Oregon. When he noticed the homeowner arriving, he fled to the bathroom and dialed 911 and said, “I just broke into a house, and the owners came home!” He was only charged with trespassing. He should have been charged with being an idiot.

Another guy broke into a funeral home. I know! I don't know why, either. He set off an alarm so he climbed into a coffin and played dead. Two problems: 1) He was dressed in dirty street clothes and 2) He was breathing! That was a classic case of cardiac arrest.

I think I ever decided to become a thief, I would steal things like, oh I don't know, perhaps money? From another thief. It has to be a pretty small community of thieves, and not the drug junkies. I'm talking about big bucks.

I would only do it once and then immediately fly to a country with no extradition agreement with the US. Or, I would become a con man like Michael Cain and Steve Martin in "Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels". That could be fun.

I know that thievery is dishonest and not honorable, but who among us has never wished they could pull off a big payday?

See you tomorrow.

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