We Shattered It!!

They say that “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. If that’s the case, I must not be in love with my wife.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/07/we-shattered-the-record/

Hey You!!

I’m 18 years older than my wife and sometimes her name slips my memory. Once, I used the wrong name. I ended up losing 30 pounds with my jaw wired shut.

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/20/hey-you/

Smart Drunk Guy!!

Last night, the doorbell rang at 3 am. I ran to the door and discovered a slightly drunk guy asking me for a push. I told him to wait until I got dressed. Then, he was gone. I yelled, “Where are you?” He said, “Over here, on the swing.”

http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/05/smart-drunk-guy/

Comic Relief!

I'll never forget what the judge said to my ex-wife when we first walked into divorce court: "What, you again?"

Obviously, a funny person - on the bench and not for the cameras. I think every city needs to have a comedian on staff. The possibilities to help out are endless. Got a standoff? Forget SWAT, bring on the clown.

Employee talks break down? How about a little levity? Just what's needed. There are too many issues met with far too many serious people, none really willing to settle things in a timely fashion. Both parties know the strike will be settled at some point, point, but once the commitment has been made, trade talks must commence for a period of time or it appears that it took place for nothing.

So then what? People out of work, production either severely diminished or at a complete standstill. Who gets hurt? The consumer, the employees, the company, the consumer - everyone except the union. Hmm, interesting, don't you think? Now, I'm not anti-union, there are things to be said pro and con.

The question is, if there was a comedian poking fun at each side, how much quicker would there be a solution? How about employee arbitration? Consumer arbitration? Something like, "You know, it's like when I get in an argument with my Mother-in-law. We're both probably wrong, but she's still ugly."

Ok, maybe some women might not find that particular joke funny, but you get the idea. How about, "Ladies, it's kind of like when you get in a fight with your husband. You both know there's a middle ground, and you know you'll get there, and when it's over, he's still going to smell weird."

See? A little levity. I'm telling you, it would save every Federal and State government agency millions of dollars and much embarrassment with constituents.

Every company and city should also get on board. Especially airlines. It seems to work for Southwest Airlines. They hire mainly funny people to make the passengers on an otherwise boring and sometimes tense situation much better.

I just think there's an overlooked market here. How about the Wal-Mart greeter? "Hey, did you mean to wear that, or are you completely colorblind?" Or, ok, since you decided to wear your jammies, our bathroab section is right over there." Or, "I see you wore your pajamas. Next time, wear the ones with the flap open and make it worth our while."

How about a greater at K-Mart? All they would have to say is, "Welcome! At least we're not Wal-Mart!"

See, the possibilities are truly endless. If you're a leader, give it some thought.

See you tomorrow.

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Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott

Strike Three!

People always want to know how I've been married four times. Its easy. Anyone can do it. Just get three divorces. Sheesh.

Need Some Laughs? "The Twisted Musings of a Comedian" is on sale, now!

I'm the last person anyone should seek marital advice from. I was given Larry King a run for his money at one point. I keep an attorney and a minister on retainer at all times. You never know.

The problem with marriage is your partner. Its not all their fault, it's just that you always have to keep them happy. That's the tough part. Its hard enough for me to make myself happy, let alone throwing someone else in the mix.

I think I may be addicted to honeymoons. Right. An addiction! That gets me off the hook. It's a disease! I'm free!! But wait! Why isn't there a 12-step program? Real diseases have one.* Crap. Well, I have to create one. Let's see...

HA Step 1:

"I admit I am powerless over honeymoons and that my life has become unmanageable." Duh.

HA Step 2:

I believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity." This would be child support and alimony.

HA Step 3:

"I will make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him." Therefore, I will expect him to instantly hit me with a meteor any time divorce and remarriage cross my mind.

HA Step 4:

"I must make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself." That should be easy. I'm obviously out of my mind and in need of medication.

HA Step 5:

"Admit to God, to mysef and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs." That part should be easy. I'll just briefly mention it to my brother, Fred. He was always my best man.

HA Step 6:

"I'm entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." In fact, I'm begging Him. Please blind me from all great looking women!

HA Step 7:

"I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings." The ability to still like the person at least a couple of weeks after the honeymoon.

HA Step 8:

"Make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all." Ok, but not with them all in the same room. CSI would inevitably be involved.

HA Step 9:

"Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." This one I can blow by, because I would be injured. Yeah, definitely.

HA Step 10:

"Continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admitted it." This will eliminate the arguments that make the next honeymoon possible.

HA Step 11:

"Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. And that my spouse won't constantly annoy me."

HA Step 12:

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I will try to carry this message to honeymoon addicts and to practice these principles in all my affairs." Affairs may be a poor choice of words here. I'll have to think that one through.

*I have great respect for those who live by actual 12 step processes. You are truly amazing people.

So far, 16 years on the current marriage, shattering the previous record of 9 years. Maybe I should take my wife, Heather, on a honeymoon.

See you tomorrow.

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Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott

Infidelity

I thought about going into politics but I could never cheat on my wife.

You're Funny! You Should Be A Comedian!

Many women are attracted by men in powerful positions. Many men in powerful positions like to take advantage of those opportunities. We know about the exploits of Presidents Kennedy and Clinton, but we also know that there are many we don't know about.

Senators, corporate executives, professional athletes, movie and television stars, etc. There are so many affairs that are hushed up with money and promotions. Others are very public and people become famous without any talent.

Steve Garvey, who had the image of Mr. America when he was with the Los Angeles Dodgers, decided to go into politics. Bad move. Suddenly, news stories broke out about him fathering babies from different women. Dan Marino allegedly fathered a child quite a few years ago.

It's not my place to judge any of these people. We all do things that we later regret. The difference is that if I do something wrong, there will be no paparazzi at my front door.

Hollywood stars are notorious for having affairs. Leading men and women who have love scenes, working for months at a time away from home makes for the perfect storm. They can get away with nothing. Too many reporters, rumor mongers and even TV shows that are dedicated solely for entertainment love interests.

It's expected behavior for Hollywood stars. So much so, that we marvel at famous couples who stay together. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Alan Alda and his wife, who is not famous and... I'm sure there are more, but we don't hear about them because fidelity doesn't sell.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was no surprise. His womanizing is legendary, yet it was big news because it was a high profile marriage. Everyone was shocked when Bruce Willis divorced Demi Moore (this was before she adopted Ashton Kutcher). Willis defended himself by proclaiming that men are not wired for monogamy.

One thing is for certain. Affairs cause pain, even in Hollywood. The innocent spouse is impacted, along with children from the marriage. Remember how devastated Sandra Bullock was when Jesse James cheated on her? How about Brad & Jenn?

High profile relationships must certainly be difficult. Even when there's nothing going on, the couple will still wind up in the rumor mill. I guess it's to be expected, which is horrible. I wish the expectations were different, but the divorce rate is more than 50%, so high profile or not, there's a lot of hanky panky going on.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm running late for my marriage class with Tiger Woods.

See you tomorrow.

You're Funny! You Should Be A Comedian!

Peace and Quiet

Peace and Quiet. I can have one, but never both. I'm married.

I love my wife. Hopefully, most people love their spouses. Based on the numbers, only half of us do.

I think it might be that we get too busy to care. You know; soccer, dance recitals, music, plays, homework, homework, homework... There is little time left for each other.

Quality time in this day and age is finding the least expensive divorce attorney. Everyone needs to talk and be heard. Or, at least feel that way. If we get too busy, so the children, activities and pets take complete priority, your spouse will find someone else to talk with.

So, quite the conundrum, isn't it? I'm currently reading "The Five Love Languages". It's a great book for any couple, married or not. I think it's safe to say that we all have certain expectations, based upon our childhood experience, of how we want to be sure we are loved. We rarely get that.

So, how do we know we're loved? Look for it. Maybe your significant other grew up with a family that never expressed their love verbally, and that's what you are looking for. That can be a recipe for disaster, the book says. I agree. Unfortunately, my wife grew up in a home where the greatest symbol of love involved the middle finger.

We all have certain ways we tell each other  "I love you". You will miss them if you're looking for something else. That would be a shame, because that is what we're looking for.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife is "telling" me she loves me. Oy...

See you tomorrow.

Commitment

I've been married so many times, I have rice marks on my face.

4 times, to be exact. How does that happen? Easy. Just get divorced three times.

I know I have commitment issues. I always have. I'm getting better as I age (don't ask my wife), most likely because I'm a tiny bit less stubborn, and willing to say I'm sorry, instead of getting defensive when I've done something wrong.

Why now? For starters, it's the right thing to do. Secondly, I don't want another divorce.

There is an upside to all of this. 4 honeymoons! That's a joke. It's embarrassing to admit to the number of marriages, although this time it will be 15 years in a month or so.

I've had many jobs. I've always been paid well, and when I found a better offer, I almost always jumped at it. Companies have commitment issues as well. There's no such thing as company/employee loyalty today. When the company finds someone who can do what you do, and is willing to do it for less, see ya.

Knowing that, it made sense to me to jump at better offers. Most of the time, it worked well, but not always. Once or twice it was disastrous. All in all, it worked out well.

Doing stand up always helped keep me sort of stable, and was handy when I wanted a little extra cash. Teaching stand up and improvisation was something I loved, cash or not. I loved it.

I published my curriculum in two books, "You're Funny! You Should Be A Comedian!" and "The Hosting Survival Guide". Click here to take a peek.

For having made a good living, for a long time, you'd think I'd have a pretty decent nest egg. Nope. The moral? Divorces are expensive.

See you tomorrow.