Insomnia!

My brother is a moron. He called me at three A.M. last week. I said, “It’s three in the morning”! He said, I’m sorry, I just can’t sleep. I’m paranoid. All day long I get the feeling that people are following me. I said, “You idiot, you’re a tour guide!”
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It’s 4 am and I’m trying to sleep but my foot is awake. Stupid dyslexia. I don’t have it as bad as my brother. He is dyslexic but never knew it because his name is Bob. So we started calling him Fred, well actually Derf, so he could understand it.
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I really don’t have insomnia, I just can’t sleep. Insomnia sounds a little too close to insane, so I prefer I just can’t sleep. I’m feeling less crazy now.

The truth is, it’s heartburn, which is a strange term, because it has nothing to do with the heart. It sort of burns the esophegus, which is much better. This way, you only feel like you’re having a heart attack. So, you go to the ER, they make you do a stress test, along with an MRI. In the end, they tell you to take some Zantac, and that will solve everything.
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So, instead of buying the Zantac knockoff for less than 2 bucks for a monthly supply, you spend $300 for walking in the ER, another grand on the MRI, and another $500 for the stress test.
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$1800 to make you feel like the biggest jackass on the planet. Then they tell you that you did the right thing, by going in. Right. You feel relieved that it wasn’t a heart attack, but just to be sure, they send the bill. Now, that’s the REAL stress test.
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They should just skip all of the tests and just send you a phony bill and see if you survive.

The body is an amazing thing. A few months back, I began eating healthy and working out six days a week. When I decided to stop eating grains, my heartburn disappeared! Yahoo! Seriously? Grains were the problem this entire time?

In addition, I’ve dropped 22 pounds and I’m finally fitting back into my old clothes that my wife had tried to throw out. Thank I watched all of those “Hoarders” episodes. Very educational. That’s a subject for another blog.
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But suddenly, the heartburn is back. I know! It’s just my body’s way of letting me know it’s still in charge no matter what I do to try to fool it. It’s found a way to bring it back, and only in the wee hours of the morning so I can watch episodes of cops. There’s nothing like watching the bad boys get busted at four in the morning. Sweet bliss.

At least I discovered a much cheaper way to get rid of the heart burn. Baking soda mixed in a cup of water. Voila! Gone in an instant. Of course I only remember this after I am fully awake.
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If I could just figure out how my foot manages to get to sleep and stay that way, I would be good to go. I’m going to surf the net and try to figure that out. I’ll get back to you with my findings.

See you tomorrow.

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