Political Corruption!

In Hampton, Florida, revenue collected from unsuspecting motorists over the years was used to purchased cigarettes, beer, and even combat gear for city officials. Also, the mayor's recent arrest for allegedly attempting to sell an oxycodone pill to an undercover officer.

The town has a population of only 500,so how could the mayor not know his own police department, who is responsible to him? Are we sure this isn't embattled mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford?

Combat gear? Are you kidding me? Are they really concerned that an attack was imminent? And by whom, the federal government? Seriously? Something tells me that they thought they could do what ever they wanted because they were so far under the radar. Who would notice?

Who noticed? The feds. I guess their worst nightmare came true. After a audit was conducted, there were so many discrepancies that they have to shut it down. I love don't know what's in store for this little town, but I suspect it will be going away.

In our state, Utah, we have issues that are just insane. We have what is called "The Iron Curtin, which is a law that any Restaraunt who sells alcohol music pour the beer or whatever behind a barrier so that children can't see it being poured.

The thought is that if children see a drink poured, they are more CCM            likely to become alcoholics. How crazy is that? The parents can be served at the table, but just can't see it poured. Really? The iron curtain is going to stop teenage from trying beer?

Happy Birthday!

Birthdays are cool, but too many can kill you.

Most people enjoy their birthday. After all, it's their special day! As I grow older, however, they're just not as fun anymore. They just serve as a reminder that you're getting closer to leaving this world, and your friends are there to celebrate the fact.

When I was a kid, birthdays were so awesome! The anticipation of the the coming day made it hard to sleep. It was going to be a great day at school and the festivities at home would be in my honor!

There were only a couple of birthdays that were bummers for me. On my 12th birthday, I was sick and had to stay home from school. I received a present, but no real birthday celebration. I don't know why. It was just a strange day.

The other one was when we actually had a nice celebration, including a visit from my sister's new boyfriend. My brothers and I played football in the back yard and I chose deep fried chicken for dinner. No one made deep fried chicken like my father. The problem was that he would get hammered in the process.

During the meal, I asked for a second piece of chicken. He blew a gasket and called me a lard a**. I was mortified. My mother told him that he was being mean, and my Dad said "Ok, you're slim and trim, eat hardy!" Outside of that, my birthdays were fun.

One year, I was in jolly old England, by myself, conducting seminars. I had been there three times previously, and always stayed at the same hotel, so I grew to know the staff well. I always made them laugh so each visit was like a warm homecoming.

One of the staff members noticed that I wasn't acting like myself, and wanted to know why. I mentioned that it was no big deal, it was just hard to spend your birthday alone.

That night, I was having dinner at the hotel, when I was startled at the sound of several champagne corks popping. The staff threw me a party! Cake, champagne and the company of wonderful people, in my honor. It was a wonderful night. We stayed up all night playing poker. I cleaned them all out, then tried to give their money back, but they refused to accept it, leading me to believe that they wanted me to clean them out. It was a clever way of giving me a gift, as well. I loved those people.

In retrospect, my birthdays have been pretty fulfilling. I have nothing to complain about. I have one coming up in June, and I think I will make sure it's fun.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to put together an invitation list. This is gonna be huge!

See you tomorrow.

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Wind Storm!

It is so windy here, one of my lawn chairs ended up in my neighbor's pool, which is weird because up until last night, he didn't have a pool.

It is so cold, I saw a very confused polar bear scavenging for food. I gave him some soup until he got his bearings (sorry), then had to run for my life! I ran so far, I'll bet I did that 401K people are always talking about.

When I was out searching for my chair, my neighbor pulled her car out to go to work. Suddenly, a metal realtor sign came flying straight toward me, but took an immediate left and stuck in her tire. I'm not kidding. I feel bad that they have to replace their tire, but the sudden direction change probably saved my life.

This is certainly not like the horrific tornadoes that ravaged the Midwest, but there is debris everywhere. In some parts of the state, roofs have been torn off, schools severely damaged.

I think before the winds die down, I'm going to go paragliding using a fitted sheet. I've always wanted to do that, but didn't want to jump off of mountain peak to do it. Today, all I have to do is walk outside. Lemonade. That's what I'm talking about. The glass is half full until it is caught in the wind and smashed against the wall.

The only problem I'll have paragliding, is I'll have absolutely no control as to where I go. Talk about an adventure! I'll strap my cell phone to my head and record everything, so if I survive I can put it on the Innertube (my way of saying YouTube, because it's on the Internet) and watch it go viral.

If I hit the jet stream just right, I will probably get that Hawaiian vacation I've wanted. Getting home might be a problem, so I'll have to try to get a job there. Maybe at Roseanne's nut farm. That would be cool.

In any event, if you see a guy soaring by with a fitted sheet, be sure to holler at me so I can at least say hello. I wouldn't want to be rude.

See you tomorrow.

My new book, "The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II", will be available on Amazon.com just in time for Christmas!

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Cover your tomatoes!

Why do weather people always tell you what to do? "It's 28° out there, so be sure to bundle up!" Really? I'm glad I watched the news. I was going to wear my speedo.

They just can't help themselves. Its like they are our Moms. "Its snowing out on the roadways, so be sure to give yourself a little extra time". Thanks, weather person, I would never have thought it might take a little longer to get to work in a blizzard. Besides, weather and freeway accidents are the only time you get a pass for being late for work. Why would I pass that up?

Its not like I'll get to work late on a bad weather day and the boss will say, "I don't care what the weather is like! Susie Tsunami told us all to take extra time"! Other news people don't often do that.  Can you imagine an anchor person saying, "The convenience store was robbed at just about 11 o'clock last night, and the crook got away, so be sure to rob these types of stores late at night, just to be on the safe side. Also, it took the police only eight minutes to get there so try to get in and out quickly".

Or how about a bank teller saying to you, as you leave the window, "Now, make sure you put that money in your pocket. Crooks will steal it from you if you carry it around in your hand. And its a little breezy and chilly out there today, so be sure to bundle up".

How about a priest, upon hearing your confession, saying, "Do four Hail Mary's and try not to do that again. But, just in case, you might consider wearing as little clothing as possible, because it might be pretty hot where you're going".

Or maybe the grocery store clerk saying, "You should go get two more of these soda cases because they're on sale if you buy more than one". "Really? I must have missed the giant sign on the 50' display over there". Or the clerk saying, "You know, with the holidays quickly approaching, you might want to pick up some diet pills in the pharmacy".

Or, my favorite - which obviously doesn't happen, a Wal-Mart cashier saying, "You know, there's a website called" The People of Wal-Mart. Next time you come in, you might consider color coordinating, and in something other than jammies or skin tight clothing that might fit a fourth grader". Now that, I could support.

See you tomorrow.

My new book, "The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II", will be available on Amazon.com just in time for Christmas!

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Popcorn

I think our microwave oven is defective. It has a "potato" button and I've pressed it a lot, but I never get a potato. I'm taking it back.

Microwave ovens are great for heating beverages and popping popcorn or setting a timer, but outside of that, they're pretty much useless. Ok, they're also good for heating frozen entrées, but I hate those, so it's a pretty useless machine at our house.

Bachelors use it to heat up pizza nearly every day, but warming food up in the conventional or convection oven seems to always be best. Microwaves are faster, but they dry out the food. I heated up some chicken nuggets in the microwave and they turned out soggy. I realize, of course, that they were chicken nuggets, full of preservatives and chicken parts from God knows where, but in any event, they were soggy.

Microwave ovens are best for blowing things up. *Do not try any of these at home* I'm trying to remember all of the items I have caused to explode in the microwave oven. Eggs almost always explode, although they can cause serious damage, I discovered, depending on how you detonate them.

Chicken hearts are fun little bombs. First you watch them sizzle, then they get smaller and then, BOOM! All over the oven, and I mean all over it. Its kind of gross when you have to clean the oven following the fun, but I still liked it.

Potatoes will explode as well, but they can blow the door right off of the oven. I didn't do it, but a friend of mine did. He had to go buy a new microwave before his wife got home from work. He was smart enough to buy a better model and tell her it was a gift for her, but women seem to somehow know the truth before the story even comes out. If his wife didn't know, she does now, because she reads my blog. Sorry, buddy.

In the early days of the microwave oven, people were fascinated and fearful of the machines. They liked the way they could heat their coffee and were amazed they could pop corn in it, but they were also afraid of the radiation. It reminds me of an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond", where Ray and Robert were standing near the microwave oven while heating up something and had their hands cupped over their private parts. Frank walks in, says nothing, just cups his hands the same way. It was hilarious.

My Dad was the same way. Their first microwave oven was a gift from my brother, but my parents wouldn't use it, for fear of radiation. I remember asking them if they had ever heard of someone getting radiation poisoning from one of the ovens on the news. It didn't matter. They would take no chances.

My mother uses one today, just like everyone else. My father passed on, but I assure you, it had nothing to do with the microwave oven.

Today's radiation scare is the cell phone. Even though the masses have been using them for more than 30 years now, without a single documented case of a brain tumor being caused by a cell phone, there are those who are still afraid to use them.

People used to fear the television for the same reason. What's next, video game consoles? Actually, if you're a kid and you play games instead of doing your homework, you probably will feel some pain, but it will have nothing to do with radiation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been typing for a while on this laptop and I'm not sure it's safe.

See you tomorrow.

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*Remember, never blow up anything in a microwave oven.*

What do you give to the man who has everything?

What do you give to the man who has everything? Simple. Penicillin.

Its kind of like the joke where a man goes to the doctor, not feeling well. After tests, the doctor told the man that he had so many illnesses that he needed to be quarantined and fed a steady diet of pizza. "You mean pizza will cure me"? "Of course not", the doctor said. "It's the only thing that will fit under the door".

Its just difficult to buy for some people. Some people really don't need or want anything. My friend, Annette Gonzalez, is one of those people. She has made it clear that she has all she needs or wants, in terms of things. She would rather spend time with friends and loved ones.

I really like that outlook, and I feel the same way. I can't think of a single item, outside of a few basic clothing items, that I want. Nothing. Talking to my children, grandchildren, mother and siblings and dinner with friends and loved ones is all I need.

How about creating something the person loves? Many times, people love the fact that you went to the trouble of creating something just for them. That's a gift that will warm the heart and, unless it's butt ugly, will be cherished forever.

Let's face it, if you make something that resembles the ashtray that you made in second grade, best to hang on to it. My mother is someone who is easy to buy for. She appreciates the thought. It took me a couple of years, (I'm a little slow), to understand that she can't enjoy Hickory Farms baskets, due to dietary restrictions.

So, I send something different that I know will make her feel special. It doesn't take much. She lives too far away to go there, so something she can hang on the wall that says, "Only the best grandmas get promoted to Nana". She loves that kind of stuff. There were times when we couldn't send anything, but called, and that was enough for me. I feel the same way.

I don't get too hung up on the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I love the time spent with wonderful people, but just having been divorced a long time ago, I was invited for breakfast and gift giving at my in-laws home, which was very gracious of them, but left to spend the rest of the day alone.

Don't feel sorry for me. My point is that I was able to spend the morning with people that I love and I'm still a part of the family, to this day. So, I stopped by a gas station and bought a sandwich for Christmas dinner and spend the remainder of the day by myself, watching football and movies. And I was fine. I didn't sit around feeling sorry for myself.

So, this year, for Thanksgiving and Christmas, we'll invite friends and loved ones, and especially those who have no where to go. That, to me, is the best part of the season, although I also think it should be a year round effort.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a new pizza just came under the door and I'm famished.

See you tomorrow.

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Only 401 shopping days until Christmas, 2014!

Attention! Only 401 shopping days until Christmas, 2014! Avoid the stress, buy now!

Since Christmas is so commercialized anyway, why not? I know some people who really start their Christmas shopping next year on December 26th this year. They like taking advantage of the after Christmas sales to get a head start.

I wish Christmas would return to the days of yore, to a simpler place in time where no one worried about what to get Mom & Dad, brother or sister, Grandma & Grandpa, etc.

I would love to see parents buy one item that each child needs, and Santa bring one inexpensive item a child wants. I would love to see the greatest expectation on Christmas be the family, along with others with nowhere to go, gathering together for great memories, fun and food. But, we don't.

I'm just as guilty as anyone else, although I don't overdo it like most in today's world. Everyone has their own religious beliefs, but make no mistake, Christmas is definitely a religious holiday. I'm a follower of The Christ, so celebrating His birth is a very big part of our Christmas season.

I also like traditions. Not elaborate traditions, but simple ones. We go to an early dinner at our favorite restaurant on Christmas Eve, and have hot dogs from 7-11, the hot dogs being a Mabbott family tradition since 2000. I really love things like that. We didn't have much money to spend, but we had a great time.

I think most of us agree that Christmas is far too commercialized, but we feel the heat to send out Christmas cards and spend way too much. So many pay for Christmas on credit cards, then struggle through much of the year just to pay it off.
It shouldn't be that way. We won't do it. We give what we can afford to give. Sometimes I feel guilty about not giving more to our grandchildren, but since they have lots of grandparents, not to mention their parents and aunts and uncles. Believe me, they do quite well. Even though that's the case, the kids all know what the real celebration is all about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make my list for next year.

See you tomorrow.

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What I want for Christmas

What I want for Christmas is to be able to run for Mayor of Toronto. The mistakes I've made in life pale in comparison to that guy.

I know some people who actually feel sorry for the knucklehead. I feel bad for him, but not sorry for him. My campaign slogan would simply be, "Him or me". That's it. I don't do drugs and I don't hire hookers, although I'm open to bribery. Why run for public office if you're not willing to be bribed with lavish vacations?

I don't even know what a lavish vacation is. I suppose the closest I've ever been to one was when Circuit City rewarded some of us by flying us to Naples, Florida to stay at the Ritz Carlton there for several days. The Ritz staff will certainly pamper you. It was a company event, however, so could I really count that as a lavish vacation?

I tried to plan two lavish vacations. One was to drive through scenic Idaho and Montana, then into Canada and west to Waterton, Alberta, which is located on the northern end of Glacier National Park. I booked a quaint little cottage and thought we were all set.

It turns out that the "cottage" was a hotel room, ladied up to look like a cottage. It was humid, with no air conditioning, there were tons of people there and since we had to sleep with the windows open... Well, let's just say we didn't get much rest.

The great thing about Waterton is that it is graced with the presence of "The Prince of Wales" hotel, a beautiful landmark right off of a picturesque lake. So, we went there one afternoon. It was a bust. The lake was gorgeous, but the hotel? Not so much.

The only real saving grace was taking a walk by the lake at night and petting, yes petting the deer. They were great with people. That was awesome, but I don't think a petting zoo 800 miles from home counts as lavish.

My next trip? Toronto! I need to begin my campaign and try to get dual citizenship. If I can't, I'll have to ask for asylum. Not sure that would work. Come on, Santa, get on this mayor thing.

See you tomorrow.

Department of Motor Vehicles

Tuesday is the most productive day of the week, so you can expect DMV employees to be the biggest jerks that day.

I seriously don't understand why the DMV employees feel the need to act like the business end of a colon, but, for some reason, they do. I think it's the power they wield. You can't get your business done without their approval.

The last time I needed to renew my drivers license, it was on a Friday and there was only one DMV open on Fridays, and it's an hour away. So, I headed down there a little late in the day because I had an early afternoon gig.

When I got there and figured out what line to get in, no easy trick, they asked me for several forms of identification, including my birth certificate or a passport, expired or not, and my social security card. I had my birth certificate, along with my passport, but not my social security card.

The woman at the window sent me to another line, where someone took my money and picture and said I could get a temporary liscence and show them my  social card within 90 days. So, as I waited in yet another line, I finally made it to the jerk who was to finalize the process.

As soon as I got to his work station, I was greeted with a sign to the right of his window which read, "Don't even start with me, because you're going to lose". The first thing that hit me was, I pay for this idiot to have his job. He had obviously forgotten that.

He gruffly barked at me that since I didn't have my social security card, he couldn't even permit me to have a temporary liscence. I told him to confer with the cashier who told me that I could, so long as I showed my social security card within 90 days.

He grumbled that if it were up to him, I wouldn't even be getting a temporary liscence, and I had 30 days to show my card (he obviously lied) and that I would have to return to that office to finish the process, another lie. I didn't say anything until I had my license safely in my hand and then told him that he worked for me, not the other way around, and that I was going to speak with the manager about his insulting sign and horrible attitude.

He couldn't have cared less. I spoke with the manager and discovered why this behavior was acceptable to him. He was scared to death of the guy. Terrific. Another government employee taking advantage of the tax payers money.

So, I got a duplicate social security card and went to my local DMV 45 days later and got my license.

So, I would avoid going to any government agency on Tuesdays.

See you tomorrow.

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I love bananas!

I love bananas, except when they begin to get spots on them, which happens at a very rapid pace. Once they're spotted, they turn brown and are gross. Come to think about it, I hate bananas.

Beside being of an odd shape, which can be kind of fun, they hold great nutritional value. Bananas are very high in potassium, which is an important element for the human body. I don't know why and, frankly, I don't care. Why? Because there are so many fun things to do with bananas.

You can walk at the mall, down a crowded sidewalk, any where there is a crowd, really, and pretend it's a phone. To make it really funny, you have to be having a heated discussion with your make believe caller. Just be sure you're nowhere near a police station or psych ward.

Another really fun thing to do is walk among a crowd, mumbling loudly, I can't get this thing to work! Eventually, a good samaritan will stop to help you and begin peeling the banana, which is your cue to start yelling, "You broke it! You completely broke it! Now, how is the mother ship supposed to find me? I'm going to be stuck on this planet forever, because of you"! Drop to your knees and weep.

Another great thing to do, is to wear a western holster with a banana in the holster on either side, where the guns usually go. Then pick out men and start," I'm calling you out, mister. Tonight at six o'clock, right here in the street".

Keep in mind that any of these pranks can get you committed for a while, which is ok, because guess what they serve in there? Bananas! You get to start fresh!

I like to use a banana as a pretend firearm. Its great fun to walk into a bank, brandishing only the banana, and yell, "This is a stick up"! After everyone falls to the ground and the security guard has his service weapon pointed right at your head, you say," Come on, man. It's a banana"! You will then be roughly thrown to the ground and hauled off to jail, where you will have a psych evaluation and end up back in the psych ward. Full circle.

Disclaimer: I am a professional. Do not perform any of the pranks found in this blog.

See you tomorrow

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Moon Landing!

It was on this day, more than 30 years ago, that man first landed on the moon! It was, and still is the most amazing feat of my lifetime by NASA. Ok, this may not be the correct day, but I thought about it this morning.

But it is the anniversary of Hall of Fame running back Jim Brown breaking the all time record for yards run in a career! Brown was an amazing runner and always a gentleman. Um, wait a minute. This is not the anniversary of Jim Brown's amazing feat. My apologies.

However, on this date in history, the biggest ball of yarn was completed and entered into the Guineas Book of World Records! It is huge! It stands more than 20' high and weighs nearly 12 tons! 32 tons when it rains. It was started by a very bored guy named Mike, in Minnesota. Soon, all of the townspeople decided to join in, and before you knew it, the town was finally famous! I forget which town it is, and I've never seen it, but I'll bet it looks great!

Ok, I don't know when it was completed and the only reason I know about it is because Weird Al sang about it. I don't know why I create stories like this, when it's so easy to look them up and discover the truth. I guess I just want my blog to be funny, but half way through the blatant lie, my conscious gets the best of me and I feel the need to come clean.

In some parts, they call it "spinning a yarn", which is kinda weird since one of mine was about a ball of yarn. It's considered a form of performance art there. Here, it's pathological lying. I think I need to move to one of the places that enjoys a good yard spin every now and again.

These things are real. On this day in history, 1989 Brazil held it's first free presidential election in 29 years. After that, citizens had to pay.

On this day in 1981, the first balloon crossing of Pacific is completed, it was called the Double Eagle V

In 1979, the U.S. halted Iranian oil imports and froze Iranian assets.

In 1975, Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas retired after 36 years.

And finally, on this day in 1900 the  World's Fair in Paris opened, with 50 million visitors. After the fourth night, they couldn't set off the customary fireworks because the French military kept surrendering.

See you tomorrow.

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Veterans Day

Today is a day to honor those who currently serve, those who served in the past, those who paid the ultimate price while serving our country, as well as those who's heroic efforts saved the lives of others. Also to all men and women who put their lives on the line to work in support fields, such as doctors and nurses, communication experts, anyone who serves selflessly.

Veterans fit into many categories. We don't know the details like the Veterans do, but they'll be the first to tell you that not all Veterans are heroes. I salute every Veteran who is serving our country, willing to do whatever it takes to support the United States of America.

I was in the Air Force back in the seventies, but due to some medical issues, didn't get to serve for long. When I tell true Veterans that, they scoff and say that since I volunteered to serve with the right intentions, I am a Veteran.

Let's not forget that it wasn't long ago that a Veteran went to prison for killing some of our own troops. Another for killing a family without cause. Guys like that are obviously not to be saluted today. Veterans Day should celebrate all people who volunteered to serve their our country for honorable reasons, with special thanks to those who served in harms way.

I think its the same with police officers and fire fighters. One need only to reflect on the horrific events of 9/11 to see the heroics of men and women who served as first responders, going into the towers without a thought about themselves. There are those who were lost trying to save those stuck in the rubble. There were also the brave souls who decided to take down the plane they were on, knowing the result to protect the White House.

At the same time, there are police officers and fire fighters who get into the public service business for the wrong reasons. Some are on power trips or are serving some other selfish motive by joining.

Here's to the true heroes of our country. God bless you!

See you tomorrow.

Miami Dolphins

I'm not ready to abandon my allegiance to my favorite team, because I believe heads will roll and the situation will be resolved. But today, I am ashamed to be a Miami Dolphin fan.

The investigation is just beginning, but much has been said already about things that cannot be denied. A physical attack from Richie Incognito on Johnathan Martin, emails and text messages filled with racial epithets and alleged death threats against Martin and his family.

No matter what comes out of the investigation, this goes beyond bullying. The NFL has long been an organization that policed themselves, especially in the locker room. Thus far, nothing like this situation has ever surfaced.

Incognito has blamed the Dolphins locker room culture. He claims, and is backed up by several Dolphin players, including quarterback Ryan Tannahill. Players are rallying around Incognito, which speaks volumes about the leadership of the Miami Dolphins organization.

There is no acceptable reason for the use of racial epithets. Incognito claims that the African American players made him an honorary African American, allowing him to use the "N" word. That's absurd. There is no such thing and the use of such language is completely unacceptable.

We have to wait until the independent investigation has concluded, but even knowing what we currently know, Joe Filbin and Jeff Ireland should be ousted, along with Incognito. Outside of that, any executive who knew what was happening and turned a blind eye, should be fired, at the very least.

Incognito now claims that Martin sent him threatening text messages, but were they responses to those initially sent by Richie?

The culture of the team, in terms of what is deemed acceptable by Dolphin players, coaches and executive staff is really what is in question. According to Johnathan Martin's Dad, he is ok. We'll see how things shake out. In the meantime, I am going to do what most fans will do, root for the team to win.

See you tomorrow.

White Elephant Economy

I sold a car on Ebay this morning. We needed the cash. I wonder what my neighbor's going to do when he finds out it was his?

Wouldn't it be cool if you could sell whatever you want if you need the cash? I think it would be great for the economy. If I sold my neighbor's car, he could buy someone else's car. Then, when he needed cash, he could sell something that belongs to someone else. It could be America's practical joke economy stimulus package.

I think I would probably sell the White House. That would leave me pretty well set for life. The people who buy it could live there, they just wouldn't be able to bother the First Family while they're working. Off work, however, White House staffers would have to entertain the buyers, cook their meals, etc. All great selling points.

Maybe I could sell Disney World. That would fetch a pretty penny, wouldn't it? How cool would that be? It wouldn't last long, because someone else would likely sell it again and I would be ousted. I know what you're thinking. How could you finance a purchase like that? Easy. I would buy the bank.

I could sell my local Wal-Mart and kick out the gross people who dress like they are colorblind and put on clothes for the very first time. I would establish a strict dress code, maybe black tie only. I could get rid of all of the chappy merchandise and replace it with high end stuff. No more roll backs. The old Wal-Mart customers would be forced to go to a local discount grocer, again stimulating the local economy.

Eventually, all of the big box retailers would be bought and shut down, giving way to Mom and Pop stores, like the old days. I know it sounds crazy, but it would be the equivalent of the white elephant game that is played at nearly every Christmas party. I like it.

Maybe I would sell Amazon.com. I would make a killing on it, then someone would sell it out from under me. With the white elephant economic plan, the money would end up being spread around the country evenly, since no one would need to qualify! It's brilliant!

I could even sell congress out from under the lobbyists. Then, at least the people of our country could actually get congressional leaders to do the will of the people! I love this plan so much, I am officially announcing my candidacy for President of these United States.

Who knows? When I take office, I might just sell China.

See you tomorrow.

Black Wednesday?

In a surprising twist, Target stores has announced that it will have its 2014 Black Friday next Wednesday.

Walmart and Kmart executives have finally gone off the deep end and proved that they don't care about their employees, regardless of their ads featuring supposed happy campers.

Due to the backlash from their customer base, Walmart announced that they would only work seasonal employees to man the store. Bull. The managers will obviously need to be there, along with other key personally. Otherwise, it would be the biggest fiasco known to man.

They have lied in an attempt to appease it's core group of shoppers. Its too bad that many people will believe it and wait in line the night before Thanksgiving. There ought to be a law prohibiting such behavior.

In my opinion, Walmart is the most greedy company, outside of oil companies, in the world. All they care about is the bottom line. Compare that with a company like Google, who treats their employees like royalty, at great expense. As a result, they have loyal employees who love their work. When I ask Walmart employees how their day is going, the overwhelming response is "I'm doing good. I get off in an hour".

Walmart employees have simply become clock watchers because they don't care about customer service or taking care of their employees. All they care about is squeezing the vendors for the very best price, so they can keep their prices low to attract more consumers.

I hate to go to Walmart. Why? Because of the way they do business. Too many times I've seen them go into a market, kill the Mom & Pop stores that have been open for decades and then hire the employees of those stores at a fraction of what they used to make. Pure evil.

Another contrast is In-N-Out burger. They treat their employees well, pay them well and they stay, at least through college. In-N-Out gets it. Its not only the food, which is spectacular, but its more the experience that customers encounter that keep them coming back. I've never had a bad experience at In-N-Out, but plenty at Walmart.

I wish people would boycott Walmart, but they won't. They are lured, regardless of the damage done to local businesses. Shame on us for supporting such a greedy business.

See you tomorrow.

My books: Amazon.com
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Blog: jmabbott.blogspot.com

Billion Dollar Tweets

As of today, my tweets are part of a billion dollar company. Yeah, I'm that good.

So, today Twitter goes public. $26 per share will buy you a piece of the #twitterpie. Its hard to believe, but there are still people in our country who don't have a twitter account. What?

I know people who are tired of all social media and shut down all of their accounts. I always wonder about those folks. My oldest brother is that way. He says he doesn't want to be found, even by his closest childhood and early adulthood friends. Yeah, I don't know either.

Granted, there are many forms of social media to choose. Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Circles, Path, My Space, Yelp and many more. I like to choose those which interact with each other, so I can post once and then just share with the others. If you have something to say to the people in your life, social media is a great way to do that.
Some people take it too far. No offense, and I could be wrong, but I really don't think that everyone cares that I'm about to get in the shower, which was a real post. Twitter is built more for sharing your thoughts about anything, really, at any interval. We expect that. In fact, its fun to check Twitter every now and again, to see what is currently trending; what people are talking about. Its a good way to stay in the loop.

YouTube is something else, entirely. I really like it because there are always videos to meet my immediate need. If I need to laugh, I can find funny videos. If I need to learn how to do something, there are instructional videos for just about anything. Whatever you want, you can generally find on YouTube.

I think I'm going to start my own YouTube type site. Since it's the Internet and similar to YouTube, I'll call it Innertube. I will only allow very funny videos, in good taste, and anything having to do with inner tubes. People who participate will be known as tubers.

Tubing on water and snow will be welcomed, so long as there are mishaps. Its so funny to watch people get seriously injured attempting to do the impossible in an inner tube. "America's Funniest Home Videos" taught us that. How about someone filling up two inner tubes with helium and see how high you can go and how long you could hold on? That would be hilarious. Or, sending a friend down the steepest ski slope in an inner tube? The possibilities are endless and sure to get laughs.

Will there be casualties? Sure, but the world needs to lighten up and Innertube is just the ticket. Who's in?

See you tomorrow.

My books: Amazon.com
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Blog: jmabbott.blogspot.com

Yikes! The Holidays are here!

Last weekend, my wife and I were at the grocery store looking at turkeys. A woman, also looking for a turkey, asked an employee walking by if the turkeys got any bigger. The guy said, "Lady, they're all dead".

I know that the Holidays are a lot of fun, hanging out with friends and family. That doesn't mean that family fun is had by everyone. Sometimes, its better to let some family members to fend for themselves. All it takes is one person intent on bringing drama to the festivities to ruin a great potential event.

We feel guilty about not inviting a family member, but I think that if someone in the family or even a close friend should not be invited if they have proven that they are people who love to stir things up. In fact, just before dinner on thanksgiving, we always talk about one thing we're thankful for. I'm always tempted to say that I'm thankful that so and so isn't here. That would be tacky.

Also, if anyone in my house for dinner that day says that they have to leave in order to get a good spot in line for black Friday will get locked in the basement. Sure, I might end up on an episode of "Criminal Minds", but it would be worth it to keep just on or two people out of those lines, it would be worth going to jail. If every household in America did that, black Friday would disappear. I love that idea.

Its not just black Friday in and of itself that makes it difficult for retail employees. Preparing for the weekend begins in mid October. Staff need to be hired and trained, schedules need to be altered, merchandise needs to be rearranged in the warehouse to make it easier to get the goods in the customer's hands.

They also have to train employees to be aware of potential shoplifters. They are out in force on that day because of all of the chaos, which serves to be the distraction necessary to steal what they want.

During the course of the day, merchandise must be replenished, so someone must be aware of empty shelves. There are so many elements to ensure that all customers are served as best they can, but you can't please everyone that weekend. Once the door buster items are gone, they are gone. The store can't usually get more because they are special buys.

So, if you're tempted to go out on black Friday, please just relax and enjoy more time with your loved ones. That's much better than hassling with long lines and crazy people. Enjoy the holidays, and allow employees of the big box stores enjoy theirs as well.

See you tomorrow.

My books: Amazon.com
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Blog: jmabbott.blogspot.com

Comedian Income

Comedy has been good to us. We still live in our car, mind you, but over the years we've been able to make some improvements. It's now a two story Chevy colonial, with a pool.

I'm always amused when I get a brand new, would be comic who wants to start making money immediately. It just doesn't work that way. A new comedian's pay is in the form of valuable stage time. No one gets paid until they can consistently make strangers laugh on any given night. Until that happens, what is the comedian's value to the venue? Nothing.

People come to see the headliner. So, unless you're willing to bring friends and family to the show, you probably won't get much stage time. There is a movement in certain comedy circles who are opposed to having to bring people to see their set. These are comedians, in my opinion, who fail to understand the business end of comedy.

There is a sense of entitlement out there, where comics think that because they hold a microphone, they're automatically entitled to stage time. They are spoiled here in Utah. I started in Hollywood, where comedians who had performed for years were still having a difficult time getting on stage. That's the way it goes there.

If you didn't bring people, you were lucky to get on stage at 1 in the morning, in front of half a dozen drunks, and you didn't dare complain. That was at the laugh factory, a major club. The idea is that the club owner/manager wants you to care about the business, not just performing.

There are also those who feel like they're being censored if the club won't allow cursing on stage. They are so selfish that they don't get the fact that a venue's bread and butter customer base doesn't like profanity or explicit sex jokes. I once had a customer tell me, after a show, "You know, I've never seen anyone walk out on a clean joke". That has always stuck with me.

If comics don't want to be limited in any way, there are rooms where they can say whatever they want to. They just won't go anywhere in the business. If they go to Hollywood, Chicago or New York and try that material for an audition, they will never get on the regular stage, because the bigger clubs are very particular about who influences their product.

To each his/her own. You get back what you put in. If you give the club what they need, and you're funny, you'll get stage time. If not, good luck performing in front of people who can do nothing for your career.

See you tomorrow.

My books: Amazon.com
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Blog: jmabbott.blogspot.com

The Land of the Mini Van

Breaking News: Honda recalls thousands of mini vans. Utah streets and freeways are deserted!

Utah is definitely the land of the mini van. There are big families all over the state. I mean 6 - 12 kids, and sometimes more! I have no idea how a) anyone has the energy for that many children and b) anyone has the money for that many children!

You've seen the stickers on the back of vehicles, depicting the number of people in the family? In Utah, those stickers don't stop on the back window. They go all the way around the van, then underneath and over the top. Just when you think you've seen them all, you pop open the little gas tank door and there's another one.

I saw one mini van with stickers representing the family and it went Dad, Mom, then five kids, then the dog, and then another kid! Now, either that kid is named Oops, or he's in for one heck of a childhood.

I am the lucky father of three incredible children. My Mother took care of five. How do you do that without completely losing it? And today's world is even more challenging. Kids today are participating in soccer, baseball, football, cheerleading, martial arts, swimming, track, volleyball, basketball, band, drama, and with that many kids, you may end up with participation in all of the above!

I keep hearing that kids are sitting around, getting fat from playing video games and not playing outside. Really? If that's the case, then why is every soccer field and football field filled with youngsters every Saturday and on weekday afternoons?

My guess is that with so little time, the kids might not be getting adequate nutrition. I'm not judging. I don't think I could get everyone to their activities and get them home in time to prepare a really healthy meal. There is still homework to be done, baths to be had, etc. I think they would find me in the fetal position in a corner somewhere.

My daughter and daughter-in-law are really amazing parents. Of course my son and son-in-law are quick to help out, but still, the juggling act wears me out just watching it. My younger brother, Fred, and his wife have children who were involved in many activities. Out of pure love for their kids, they drove around like crazy people to get the children to and from their activities. But, they did it, all while working full time. How do single parents do it?? It seems impossible!

Love has to be the motivation, because I don't believe that the human body was designed to endure so much torture. How about those newlyweds that have triplets? Are you kidding? I would keep the best looking one and pop the other two on Ebay.

In any event, my hat is off to all of you parents who get it done, and I understand the Prozac, as well. Everyone needs a little help now and then.

See you tomorrow.

My books: Amazon.com
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Blog: jmabbott.blogspot.com

Pranks

Once, just after my boss had his review and got a nice raise, the department secretary and I took the form, before it was submitted and made a new one, cutting his previous salary. Funny? Oh yeah. Smart? Not so much.

Most pranks are harmless and not very creative. Old pranks, like putting dog poop in a paper bag, putting it on someone's porch and lighting it on fire are still funny, but not very creative.

I have pulled some incredibly creative practical jokes in my time, without getting fired. The review gag was as close as I came. I'll give you the highlights. While working in a jewelry store, I put one baby carrot in an empty ring setting, and put it in the case with one carat rings. The customers thought it was hilarious, but the guy trying to sell them a ring didn't.

The same guy used to put every diamond ring under the gem scope, a large magnifying glass, during his selling process. He would remove his glasses and put his eye down firmly on the eye piece. Then he would have the customer look as well. Naturally, I put black shoe polish on the eye piece one day. The guy was so serious, so when he lifted his head to talk to the customers, they lost it. They were laughing so hard. They bought the ring. That guy was livid.

I once took a random name and address from the phone book and wrote it down. I then called a local car dealership and ordered a very expensive car using the random guy's name. I told him to call my house when it arrived. He said it would be there on Friday.

So, on Friday, I called the home, and the guy's wife answered the phone. I used the actual salesperson's name and told her that her husband's new car was in and to let him know he should come down and process the purchase. The woman said that I had called the wrong house. I read the name and address from the phone book and convinced her. She yelled at me to cancel the order immediately, and that her husband was in big trouble. I hung up knowing that anyway the poor guy tried to prove his innocence, all bases were covered. This was before call waiting. I hope the marriage survived.

I know. It was horrible, but very funny and foolproof. Another time, after my boss had pulled quite a few pranks on me, one which was very elaborate, I decided to get him good. We were trainers for Circuit City, and we had a graduation ceremony with about 300 people, and the executive team from the Richmond, Virginia corporate office.

Several weeks prior, I was sitting in my boss's office and a woman from the Environmental Protection Agency called him. He had just moved from Baltimore, and she told him that he had failed to have his furniture inspected for the gypsy moth, a moth which was wreaking havoc on crops in California.

He thought it was a joke, and that I was behind it. He gave the woman a very hard time, laughing the entire time, while winking at me and afterward telling me that I couldn't get him that easily.

Now, he was a cop at one point, so the prank had to be perfect. I was going to have him arrested, at the graduation ceremony, in front of everyone. I talked to two police officers I knew and asked them to do it. They were hesitant because they would have to create a phony warrant. I offered them $150 plus lunch at the hotel and the gig was on.

It was flawless. They served the warrant, took him right off of the stage, read him his rights as they cuffed him and arrested him for violation of EPA regulations. It was beautiful. I took the stage. The guy told me to find out where they were taking him, and to bail him out. You could have heard a pin drop in that huge hotel ballroom when I told him it was a joke.

He was really angry, but the executives were so impressed with the prank, they reimbursed me for the $150. It was awesome.

See you tomorrow.

My books: Amazon.com
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Blog: jmabbott.blogspot.com