Wind Storm!

It is so windy here, one of my lawn chairs ended up in my neighbor's pool, which is weird because up until last night, he didn't have a pool.

It is so cold, I saw a very confused polar bear scavenging for food. I gave him some soup until he got his bearings (sorry), then had to run for my life! I ran so far, I'll bet I did that 401K people are always talking about.

When I was out searching for my chair, my neighbor pulled her car out to go to work. Suddenly, a metal realtor sign came flying straight toward me, but took an immediate left and stuck in her tire. I'm not kidding. I feel bad that they have to replace their tire, but the sudden direction change probably saved my life.

This is certainly not like the horrific tornadoes that ravaged the Midwest, but there is debris everywhere. In some parts of the state, roofs have been torn off, schools severely damaged.

I think before the winds die down, I'm going to go paragliding using a fitted sheet. I've always wanted to do that, but didn't want to jump off of mountain peak to do it. Today, all I have to do is walk outside. Lemonade. That's what I'm talking about. The glass is half full until it is caught in the wind and smashed against the wall.

The only problem I'll have paragliding, is I'll have absolutely no control as to where I go. Talk about an adventure! I'll strap my cell phone to my head and record everything, so if I survive I can put it on the Innertube (my way of saying YouTube, because it's on the Internet) and watch it go viral.

If I hit the jet stream just right, I will probably get that Hawaiian vacation I've wanted. Getting home might be a problem, so I'll have to try to get a job there. Maybe at Roseanne's nut farm. That would be cool.

In any event, if you see a guy soaring by with a fitted sheet, be sure to holler at me so I can at least say hello. I wouldn't want to be rude.

See you tomorrow.

My new book, "The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II", will be available on Amazon.com just in time for Christmas!

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