Popcorn

I think our microwave oven is defective. It has a "potato" button and I've pressed it a lot, but I never get a potato. I'm taking it back.

Microwave ovens are great for heating beverages and popping popcorn or setting a timer, but outside of that, they're pretty much useless. Ok, they're also good for heating frozen entrées, but I hate those, so it's a pretty useless machine at our house.

Bachelors use it to heat up pizza nearly every day, but warming food up in the conventional or convection oven seems to always be best. Microwaves are faster, but they dry out the food. I heated up some chicken nuggets in the microwave and they turned out soggy. I realize, of course, that they were chicken nuggets, full of preservatives and chicken parts from God knows where, but in any event, they were soggy.

Microwave ovens are best for blowing things up. *Do not try any of these at home* I'm trying to remember all of the items I have caused to explode in the microwave oven. Eggs almost always explode, although they can cause serious damage, I discovered, depending on how you detonate them.

Chicken hearts are fun little bombs. First you watch them sizzle, then they get smaller and then, BOOM! All over the oven, and I mean all over it. Its kind of gross when you have to clean the oven following the fun, but I still liked it.

Potatoes will explode as well, but they can blow the door right off of the oven. I didn't do it, but a friend of mine did. He had to go buy a new microwave before his wife got home from work. He was smart enough to buy a better model and tell her it was a gift for her, but women seem to somehow know the truth before the story even comes out. If his wife didn't know, she does now, because she reads my blog. Sorry, buddy.

In the early days of the microwave oven, people were fascinated and fearful of the machines. They liked the way they could heat their coffee and were amazed they could pop corn in it, but they were also afraid of the radiation. It reminds me of an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond", where Ray and Robert were standing near the microwave oven while heating up something and had their hands cupped over their private parts. Frank walks in, says nothing, just cups his hands the same way. It was hilarious.

My Dad was the same way. Their first microwave oven was a gift from my brother, but my parents wouldn't use it, for fear of radiation. I remember asking them if they had ever heard of someone getting radiation poisoning from one of the ovens on the news. It didn't matter. They would take no chances.

My mother uses one today, just like everyone else. My father passed on, but I assure you, it had nothing to do with the microwave oven.

Today's radiation scare is the cell phone. Even though the masses have been using them for more than 30 years now, without a single documented case of a brain tumor being caused by a cell phone, there are those who are still afraid to use them.

People used to fear the television for the same reason. What's next, video game consoles? Actually, if you're a kid and you play games instead of doing your homework, you probably will feel some pain, but it will have nothing to do with radiation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been typing for a while on this laptop and I'm not sure it's safe.

See you tomorrow.

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*Remember, never blow up anything in a microwave oven.*