What I want for Christmas

What I want for Christmas is to be able to run for Mayor of Toronto. The mistakes I've made in life pale in comparison to that guy.

I know some people who actually feel sorry for the knucklehead. I feel bad for him, but not sorry for him. My campaign slogan would simply be, "Him or me". That's it. I don't do drugs and I don't hire hookers, although I'm open to bribery. Why run for public office if you're not willing to be bribed with lavish vacations?

I don't even know what a lavish vacation is. I suppose the closest I've ever been to one was when Circuit City rewarded some of us by flying us to Naples, Florida to stay at the Ritz Carlton there for several days. The Ritz staff will certainly pamper you. It was a company event, however, so could I really count that as a lavish vacation?

I tried to plan two lavish vacations. One was to drive through scenic Idaho and Montana, then into Canada and west to Waterton, Alberta, which is located on the northern end of Glacier National Park. I booked a quaint little cottage and thought we were all set.

It turns out that the "cottage" was a hotel room, ladied up to look like a cottage. It was humid, with no air conditioning, there were tons of people there and since we had to sleep with the windows open... Well, let's just say we didn't get much rest.

The great thing about Waterton is that it is graced with the presence of "The Prince of Wales" hotel, a beautiful landmark right off of a picturesque lake. So, we went there one afternoon. It was a bust. The lake was gorgeous, but the hotel? Not so much.

The only real saving grace was taking a walk by the lake at night and petting, yes petting the deer. They were great with people. That was awesome, but I don't think a petting zoo 800 miles from home counts as lavish.

My next trip? Toronto! I need to begin my campaign and try to get dual citizenship. If I can't, I'll have to ask for asylum. Not sure that would work. Come on, Santa, get on this mayor thing.

See you tomorrow.