Commercials

I really don't think we need get real with what goes on in the bathroom. That's why there are doors, with locks.

Frankly, I don't care what kind of tissue anyone uses. Why would I? Of course, they're trying to sell their product. I think that can be done like bounty paper towels, without the demonstrations.

We're already bombarded by Preparation H commercials, Cialis, Viagra, Flomax, more feminine issues than you can count. Not to mention the blue bears using tissue. Really?

Enough, already. I think we're all aware what we need to do. If you pay more for tissue, you're probably going to get better quality than the cheap tree bark. Since there is no Preparation G or I, I think we can figure that out.

If a man is having problems down south, see a doctor, not a commercial. They are professionals who are well aware of the solutions available.

Thank goodness for DVRs. But, at least one question is answered. Bears do go in the woods and apparently in Goldilocks' bathroom, as well.

See you tomorrow.

Is Laughter Really the Best Medicine?

They say laughter is the best medicine. I don't think so. I think it's morphine.

I have had many surgeries, and the last thing you want to do is laugh. It doesn't make things better, it hurts! My younger brother, Fred, is a very funny guy. We've always made each other laugh. He called my hospital room and I told him not to make me laugh. Impossible. He couldn't do it. After we hung up, I didn't ask for more laughter, I asked for morphine.

Laughter can certainly lift the soul. "I never lend money to my brother-in-law. It gives him amnesia." That joke, written by Henny Youngman, is very funny. It makes me laugh each time I think of it. It lifts my soul, and I think that is what people are talking about. 

Here are some jokes from other famous comedians that will make you smile. 

"I'm old. Yesterday, I walked past the cemetery and two guys started chasing me with a shovel." 

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I saw a commercial, and they said you could make three easy payments. Forget that. I wantto mmake two easy payments and one really tough one."

In very difficult times, even attempting to write something funny can be a challenge, but I'm hopeful that I made someone smile during what is certainly a stressful or personally difficult time of year. Life is too short to be gloomy, which is really a weird word. 

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. If you're struggling, go see some comedy. If it's good, you'll feel better. If not, there's always morphine. 

See you tomorrow.

Check out my books on Amazon.com! Just search for my name. There is still time to treat yourself or others to the gift of laughter! 

The elderly

I'm told if I eat healthy, I can extend my life by 10 years. That would be great if I could choose the decade I could extend. Who wants to extend the time period when you wear diapers and eat only soft food?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do if I happen to hit 80. Donuts, cookies, cake and the occasional healthy meal.

I love a great steak, burger, onion rings, pasta, meatballs, lasagna, pizza, etc. During the week, I take it easy. On the weekends, however, I eat whatever I want. I don't gain, I actually lose a pound a week or so on most weeks. As long as I have teeth, I'm going to continue. Why not? 

I have no desire to make it to 90. I see 90 year old folks and bless their hearts, but it's hard for them to hear, on top of everything else. I can't even drive at 57, I can't imagine being 90 and not being able to get around. Besides, at the rate I'm losing body parts, I don't think I stand a chance. I swear, last week, they took out my liver. I don't even know how I'm writing this. You do need a liver to live, right? 

My mother is an exception. She's 80, will be 81 in January, and is still full of life. I Skype with her and although she has hearing aids, she's funny and enjoys her life. She does what she wants, when she wants.

I want to go out in style. I don't care what style, as long as it's prior to 90.

Here's to donuts, cookies and cakes.

See you tomorrow. 

My new book, "The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II" is now ready for purchase at Amazon.com. Great Christmas gifts! Just search my name on Amazon.com 

Wanna box for that?

When a waiter/waitress asks you "You wanna box for that?" Reply "Ok,  but I'm pretty sure I can take you."

It takes them a while to get it, but it's really funny when they do. Note: be sure you don't order anything after that.

After so many years in show business, I've witnessed so many wait staff a hard time. It is not an easy job,  by any means. Patrons are impatient, at least many are. We will demand satisfaction. Why?  Because we have the power.

We can choose to spend our dollar wherever we choose. With the fight for everyone's dollar amongst businesses in a down economy, patrons are not as tolerant. I always try to give the staff the benefit of the doubt. We never know what's going on behind the scenes.

The wait staff at Wiseguys Comedy Clubs, in Utah are a prime example. I'm most familiar with the staff members I Ogden, and I can tell you, they are awesome. There are normally two, dividing the room, no easy trick, but they do their very best each night to satisfy the guests.

The cheapskates are the worst. They demand service, and even when they get it, they still stiff the waitstaff. That's just wrong. Leave your waitstaff something, 20% for outstanding service, 15% for satisfactory service, and 10% for average service.

TIPS is an acronym: To Insure Prompt Service. Try this, sometime; give your waitstaff a nice tip as soon as you order. Watch what happens. You will most likely get the service better than you've ever had.

Just a tip from a tipper.

See you tomorrow.

@Pontifex

The Pope is now on Twitter. Great, now pedophile priests will have another tool.

What's next? @Charlesmanson? Anyone can get an account, placing children at risk. That's what we need.

I'm not inferring that most priests are pedophiles. In fact, it happens in most any religion. What I am saying, is that parents should oversee their children's accounts, be they Facebook, Twitter, whatever.

I know some parents think it is a violation of their child's privacy. I strongly disagree. I think it's bad parenting, and puts your children at risk.

No one wants to be a "Home Alone" parent, so please drive your children to school or have a trusted relative drive them, if possible. Carpooling is a great idea. We have to stop taking so many chances with our kids.

See you tomorrow.

Heart Attack Naps

I take a nap every afternoon, and when Heather wakes me at 7 or 8, I panic because I think it's morning and I panic,thinking that I'm late for something.

I have to take naps everyday, in order to ensure my condition doesn't worsen. Perhaps you do too. It's really a panicky situation. There's an adrenaline rush like no other. It's sort of like when you wake up on a day off,  and you wake up, thinking you're late for work.

In fact,  I've actually gone to work in a rush, thinking I was late. Once, I showed up with no shoes on, and I worked at a shoe store! Luckily, there was a neutral pair of pumps that were perfect.

My wife then reminds me that it's evening, and I feel like a dork and I'm relieved, at the same time. This has happened many times.

I think it's normal. My Mom once went to work way early because she thought it was time to start work. Embarrassing, to say the least.

What a relief when you discover that you're not late for anything.

I'm off to take a nap.

See you tomorrow.

Jerry Brown

Josh Brent, a Dallas Cowboy and DUI offender, has don it again. This time his teammate, Jerry Brown lost his life.

Brent spent time behind bars on his DUI, but apparently to no avail. It seems that many NFL players behave as though the laws do not pertain to them.

Considering the incidents of violence, in and out of the home, clearly the league must take drastic measures. These men need to understand they are people who must obey the laws of the land.

There should be a zero tolerance policy, I think. If a player is convicted of a crime, they are out of the league forever. No second chances.

Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not an entitlement. In my opinion, Michael Vick should not be in the league. Plaxico Burress should not have been allowed back in.

Celebrated people getting special treatment, allowed to break laws needs to stop. It is not successful. So many celebrities get away with things that ordinary citizens do not. Halle Berry getting community service for a hit and run in 2000? Really?

So, who's to blame for all of the incidents taking place by celebrities, with nothing more than a slap on the hand? Societies' obsession with celebrities? The justice system? The companies who continue to hire the offenders?

I'm sure there are many of you with various opinions. I respect them all.

Mark David Chapman

Chapman was so deranged, he thought he was John Lennon. Theoretically, he was committing suicide.

It happened on this date, and it was a Monday. I was a disc jockey at a college radio station. A guy called and asked me to play John Lennon's last song, which was "Starting Over", if I'm not mistaken.

"Last song" hit me as strange because it's the only time anyone has called me to request someone's last song. Latest, yes. Last, never.

Mind you, this was prior to the shooting. When I got home, and turned on the tv, the story was breaking news. I got chills. What a strange night.

Reminiscent of JFK's shooting, or the passing of King Elvis on his thrown, I would think that everyone who is old enough to remember that night, can tell you exactly where they were when they heard of the dreadful news.

Chapman was clearly out of his mind, but that doesn't mean he isn't still hated by millions. I'm not one of them. It's hard for me to hate anyone, let alone someone who was certainly insane. I don't blame all of the Lennon devotees who do hate him. I can empathize. It was truly horrific. The end of an era. Robbed of not only a great song writer and guru.

I was not a huge fan. My younger brother is. He loves the Beatles. I don't know if this anniversary will hit him hard, but I suspect so.

The real irony is that I think Lennon would have forgiven Chapman, had he survived. Yet so many Lennon followers hate Chapman.

See you tomorrow.

Pearl Harbor Day

This day marks the anniversary of the attack by Japan on Pearl Harbor. Coincidentally, Japan was rocked by a 7.3 earthquake. I can't wait to here Pat Robertson's take on this one.

It seems as though each time there is a natural disaster, Robertson blames God for it. I believe the man has lost his mind. It gives one the impression of an angry God who attacks those that aren't Christians.

I am a Christian, and I believe that God is love. It's scriptural. I don't believe God is like al-Qaeda, terrorising countries who don't conform.

I do believe that there will be consequences for those who choose to live sinful lives, without asking for forgiveness from Jesus, the Christ. That's not unusual. Most people, in any religion and even atheists believe there are consequences in the afterlife.

Atheists believe that once our lives are over, we just cease to exist. Others believe a variety of afterlife scenarios. We're all free to believe what we want, and I certainly don't expect everyone to believe the way I do.

The attack on Pearl Harbor was a horrible event, but the earthquake today, I believe, was simply coincidental.

Pat?

See you tomorrow.

Legalized Pot?

Washington State just legalized buying pot for personal use. I'm going to open a Taco Bell in Seattle.

There are so many opinions about the subject. It's been debated for decades. I think it's a good idea, for a couple of reasons.

It should hurt the drug cartels in the wallet. If the whole country adopts the policy, there would be no pot runners to be arrested.

Each state would increase revenue. With a federal tax, it could wipe out the deficit!

The pizza and fast food industries would flourish, bringing in more revenue and create jobs. This could be the hot topic in the next series of Presidential debates. "I plan to decrease the deficit and create jobs by legalizing marijuana."

It makes sense. The politicians must be smoking something, because both sides are willing to go over the fiscal cliff (Whatever that is). If it were an actual cliff, I would be in favor.

The stoner vote would suddenly become important. It would also make voting more fun, because there would be a lot of giggles coming out of the voting booths.

Maybe I should buy a Pizza Hut too.

See you tomorrow.

Lindsey Lohan

The happiest person regarding Lohan's troubles? Britney Spears. The most upset? Kim Kardashian. So much so,  that it wasn't enough to cause problems in the U.S., she went international. Well played, Kim. Well played.

There is a decided difference between these two. I think Lohan is completely out of control, while Kardashian is a publicity hound, because she's a talentless beauty who is paranoid that her fame will fade.

I think Kardashian's parents are horrific. Bruce Jenner should know what fame can do to a person who doesn't know how to handle it. She makes the whole family seem crazy.

Lohan, on the other hand, is a different story. She continues to get in trouble with the law. She is a very disturbed young lady. I don't feel sorry for her, but I empathize with her. I feel bad that she does the things she does, and rarely takes responsibility for them.

She's spent a little time in jail and several rehab centers, with no change. In fact, after the latest incident, She reportedly said "I don't know why this stuff always happens to me!"

She was in a bar at 4 A.M. and punched someone out. That's not something that happens. That's something that you do. If someone punches you out, that's something that happens to you.

In my opinion, she needs to spend enough time in prison to really understand the consequences of her choices. It worked for Robert Downey Jr.

I really hope she gets straightened out, no matter what it takes. She's a gifted performer.

Now, I'm going to redbox to rent something with David Hasselhoff.

Beef Flavored Cat Food?

Why is there no mouse flavored cat food? Parakeet cat chow? Instead, they have stupid flavors, like beef. Who decided cats like beef? When was the last time you saw a pack of cats take down a cow?
Whether you prefer cats or dogs as pets, we love 'em. I don't know about fish. They're sort of hypnotic and calming to watch, but at some point, you realize that you're watching swimming creatures doing the exact same thing for hours.

And if there is a sign on the aquarium that says, "please don't tap on the glass", we must tap on the glass. It's impossible to resist.

Just like when you enter a pet store, and there's a parrot on a perch, but there's a sign that tells us not to talk to the bird. So, I talk to the bird. I must. I love birds. They are very entertaining, and make wonderful companions. Plus, if you talk to yourself, people won't think you're crazy anymore, just talking to the bird.

All pets need attention, affection and tender loving care. If you're not prepared to make those commitments, please don't own one. Many think even fish are easy maintenance. Far from it. Water needs to be filtered, tanks need to be cleaned and you have to be sure that you get fish that are not cannibals.

My point is, please don't obtain a pet if you're not prepared for the responsibility. They'll end up in a shelter, where many are euthanized.

Let's take care of our pets. They are treasures which God entrusted to us.

Except spiders. They're gross.

See you tomorrow.

Copyright The Works production company. 2014. No one may copy any part of this blog, written or oral.

Holiday Hunger

I hate diets. I'm on one now. Actually, I'm on two, you can't seem to eat enough on one.

It is so tough to maintain your weight through the holidays. There seems to be food at every turn. Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, sugar cookies, fudge, candy, cakes, pies... the list is seemingly endless.

If you work in an office, you know someone will be bringing a treat of some kind in. It just happens. Always has, always will.

People are either happy or miserable this time of year. Either way, we eat  boatloads (metric system) of food that are loaded with calories. Most people ignore the scale until they sober up on New Years day.

During this season, I weigh myself every morning. It helps keep me in check. If I gain a pound, I take it easy on the groceries that day. I'll still have some treats, but in moderation. Right now, there's a slice of red velvet cheese cake in the fridge with my name all over it.

I've worked too hard through the year to gain it all back in two months, so I avoid the treats during the week, and do what I want during the weekend. That seems to work for me.

How about you? Do you have a system? Do you struggle? I'd love to hear about it. Just leave a comment below.

I'm going to sign off now. That cheesecake isn't going to eat itself.

See you tomorrow.

It's December!

I think Santa Claus is better than Bigfoot. They're both hairy, have never been seen, but Santa brings gifts and eats cookies. Bigfoot doesn't do that. 

As was the scene again this year, on black Wednesday, Thursday or Friday, depending on the store, we get to see the greediness that is such a tell tale sign that something has gone terribly wrong with the way we prepare to celebrate Christmas. A local Wal-Mart made national news because two women were trampled by people who were so overcome by greed, they had no concern for the well being of others. 

The irony was that every person who was in the store for the first hour, was guaranteed to get the item that drove these people to their madness. In addition, Wal-Mart's on line store had the very same item, at the same price. 

I think too many of us go way too far with gift giving. I like to open gifts as much as the next guy, but I think it's no wonder that so many of us grow up thinking it's all about shopping, giving and receiving.

I think giving gifts to the children is a no brainer, as long as it's not too much. It isn't about presents. Its about getting together with friends and family, the ones that you actually like.

I hate gatherings on Christmas Day,  just so people can show off what they "got". I don't think it's their fault. They were raised that way. I just don't like it. Never have. 

I love holiday traditions. My wife and I,  on Christmas Eve, go to one of our favorite restaurants, go home and do some wrapping. All the while, with "A Christmas Story" playing on TV. Then, its off to 7-11, to buy some hot dogs.

Really? Hot dogs? 13 years ago, I didn't get off work in time to go to a restaurant, and the local 7-11 was the only place open, so our dinner consisted of hot dogs. So, since that day, we always get 7-11 hot dogs for a late snack. Then, we each open what we both know will be pajama bottoms.

Since our children and grandchildren are scattered around the country, I love to talk with them, as well as with my Mother. That makes my Christmas. I need nothing else. 

We always get one gift for each of the grandchildren, send money to the kids and wait for the pictures of thellittle ones playing with their toys. Really, is there anything better than the look of surprise and the genuine happiness you see on a child's face when theyoopen their presents? 

I think, in the spirit of giving thanks for what we're really celebrating, the birth of The Christ, it would be a great tradition to give a needy family either a full Christmas dinner or gifts for the kids. How great would that be?

Let us realize that Christmas is all about people, and so little about presents.

Merry Christmas to you all!

See you tomorrow. 

My new book, The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II, will be available on Amazon.com just in time for Christmas! 

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