Living in Utah

I live in Utah, amongst the Mormons, and I love it. Mormons have rules. Many rules. Like they don't go to R rated movies; those they rent.

I joke about Mormons on stage, but it stops there. Some people have a difficult time living in Utah, if they aren't Mormons. They complain that they are ostracized. To be honest, I've only experienced that once in 17 years. I think it's all about attitude. 

My point is, Mormon haters should live somewhere else. I'm a traditional Christian, and I love most of the Mormons I know. Most are very friendly, family-oriented just like you'd find in other churches in Utah. 

Even though I don't believe the exact same things that the LDS (The Church of Latter Day Saints) do, it doesn't mean we can't be friends with each other. I love living in Utah. Beautiful mountains, friendly people, low crime rate, decent traffic and, for those who love snow, Utah offers the best skiing and snowboarding in the country. 

Sure, it can get annoying sometimes when the local news programs tend to lean toward the dominant religious culture, but, it's Utah, the hub of LDS. When a catastrophe happens somewhere in the world, the Philippines being the latest, the only report on the safety of missionaries were LDS.  I would have loved to hear how other missionaries from other faiths were doing, as well. Was I concerned about the LDS missionaries? Absolutely! I don't want to see anyone who is attempting to make their mission field a better place, become injured or killed, but that includes all missionaries. 

So, I like some things, don't like others, but I love living in Utah, and I love all of the people, except Lenny Jackson; he's a jerk.

See you tomorrow. 

My new book, The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II will be available just in time for Christmas! 

My books: Amazon.com             Facebook:Jerry Mabbott        Twitter:@jmabbott Blog: jmabbott.blogspot.com 

Stupid Things We See and Do

Yesterday, I saw a sign in a car window that said "For Sale By Owner". I thought, "Who else?"

People, including me, do some pretty stupid things sometimes. In California, I saw a huge sign on top of a restaurant that read "Family Dinning". Someone paid a lot of money for that sign.

A friend of mine and I, when were kids, thought it would be a great idea to make little bombs from his dad's shotgun shells. They worked. We're lucky to be alive.

My siblings and I thought it would be great fun to have one of us ride a bike, while the other ones threw rocks at the one riding the bike. That didn't end well.

I was a trainer for a very large company. We were conducting a workshop for about 900 people. The theme of the workshop was "The Intelligent Merchant". The company bought very expensive, padded binders. As we opened the binder boxes to set up the night before, we realized that "Intelligent" was misspelled. Unfortunately, I was the only one who found it hilarious. That didn't end well for me, either.

At the same company, we had a training department meeting, to review a 34 page document, announcing a new paperwork reduction program. Again, I was the only one who found that hilarious. I was in trouble again.

I put shoe polish in the iron this morning. I can't wait for Heather to get home and start ironing. That will be funny!

Honkey

I propose the word "honky" be called "the H word" from now on.

The debate over the use of the N word by caucasian people is still a hot topic.

In my experience, it all depends on the situation and tone. I don't use the term, because there is never any reason too, in my surroundings. There was a time, though...

In the early 80's (1980's before my friends start making fun of me.) I worked for Circuit City, at that time known as The Wards Company, in a leased electronics and appliance department. The stores were called Zodys, which Johnny Carson once referred to as "Kmart without the warmth."

I worked in South Central Los Angeles, which was a very economic depressed area, with a lot of gangs, many whom I had the honest pleasure of working with. I was afraid at first, because I didn't understand the culture.

As time passed, however, I grew to be close to my co-workers. They talked to me about their lives, how they grew up and why they were in gangs. These were good people, and my friends.

One day, they asked me to be captain of our softball team. I'll never forget that day, because at our team meeting, I was told that I was to address the guys as "the N" word, so long as it was used in context.

It made me nervous, at first, but after a while, it just became natural, in that store, with those guys and in context. It was a term of endearment, and I was accepted. It was a great experience. They called me the "N" word as well.

When I first came to work there, they called me honkey, in a derogatory way, which I found offensive. I was told later, that there had been so many caucasian people who came and went very quickly, because they didn't like being around African Americans, so they didn't trust me. Can you blame them?

One of the gang leaders came into my department, and told me that he knew what car I drove, and that I could feel free to go anywhere in the area, without worry. There was another caucasian guy that worked for me, who was very prejudiced. The guy looked at him and said, "You better not even go to lunch.". He transferred out the next week.

Here's my point. There are so many colors and cultures in our world, don't slander, or disrespect anyone. We just don't understand the culture, and therefore, the vernacular. So, let's not use any racial term, unless you're in a situation like I was, when I was told to use it as a term of endearment.

McDonald's

My hands shake so much, I got a job at McDonald's, making milk shakes.

I did work at one, in Eureka, California, following a stint in the Air Force. And I did make milk shakes, with a machine. I'm sure the military training skills got me the job.

The junk food industry is fascinating to me. It was born in an era where kids needed a place to work, and hang out. Today, McDonald's is hurting. Sales are down from a sluggish economy, but I suspect it's from tougher competition.

It seems like there are more popping up every day. Carl's Jr., Arby's, Wendy's, Panda Express, Taco Bell and so many more, all competing for the same dollar.

This is why you see McDonald's hitting their dollar menu hard, at least for now. They have realized that they can't get two vixens eating burgers together, to get the job done. They cater to families.

The new Arbys commercials crack me up. They're obviously going after Subway, so they hired a mob boss to convince us that if meat is sliced on the premises, it somehow is more fresh. I wonder how many people are buying it.

One thing is for certain. If we continue to live on fast food, we'll remain an obese nation, with folks dying much earlier than they should. Great nutrition for the kids, too. I'm guilty. I took my kids there all the time. It was easier. We went so often, my kids thought it was our kitchen.

I guess what I'm saying is let's think about the health of our children, rather than the convenience of a drive through or playhouses.

You know who's not hurting? In-N-Out. If I'm going to go out early and chubby, that's the way to go out.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to have some coffee and a very valuable Twinkie.

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Twilight

I was assaulted by a vampire last night. No lie. Ok, so it was a bill collector, but still...

Remember the good old days, when a real jerk would call and be nasty to you? Now they're mostly computers. That's no fun. Everyone needs a good argument now and then, if for no other reason then to vent, and get things off your chest.

Since you can't argue with collectors as much, I highly recommend making random calls, and start an argument with a surrogate collector. Pretend you're with the IRS, and you're calling to let them know that they owe $5,000 in back taxes. Argue until you feel better, then say "Just kidding", and thank them.

I don't want to get sued, so don't really do that. It might be illegal. ;-)

Who else can you really vent to?  Certainly not your spouse, unless you're set on divorce. Hint: it's probably cheaper to vent to a therapist, than get a divorce.

I wonder who therapists vent to? After listening to people vent all day, what do they do to relieve their stress? Do therapists have therapists, or do they all end up like Leo Marvin, in "What about Bob?"

I guess I'll have to ask my therapist today, but first, I have a phone call to make.

See you tomorrow.

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Little Debbie

Last night, I dreamed that a giant Twinkie was chasing me and then, suddenly, it vanished.

So Hostess is gone. The end of an era. Life goes on. Sure, the fat cats took as much money as they could prior to the liquidation. They certainly weren't good managers in the first place.

Who was in charge of research and development? You'd think that if sales were slumping that badly, they needed new, healthier products. They could still serve up the standard people killers, but introduce something for the healthier crowd. Cream filled celery? Chocolate wheat grass? Ho-ho salad dressing?

Don't worry, though. Walmart will most likely pick up where Hostess left off. It may have started already, because I always wonder what's in their bread.

Walmart lives for this kind of opportunity. In the meantime, we can actually bake this stuff at home! Novel thought.

You know who's really happy right now? Little Debbie. She's big Debbie, now. I'm going to go stock up on Little Debbie and Dolly Madison treats today, cause you just never know.

I kid you not!

I kid you not. We hear it all the time. Talks like that, who?

It's very strange, the human mind.  We hear things as children, and even though a bell should go off in our head, realizing that we're suddenly talking like Yoda, we don't. We're conditioned to become morons for one sentence. I guess that's ok. There are more examples, such as "No can do". What? I guess that's easier than admitting that "I can't do that", which is what a normal human being would say. But, then again, who knows what normal is? Some crazy phrases don't have to be used sideways or backwards to sound crazy. 

How about "It's more fun than a barrel of monkeys". Other than the childrens' game, I've never seen a barrel of monkeys, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't even want to try to picture that in my head. It sounds like a good plot for "Criminal Minds". 

Or, "Chew the fat", a phrase used to describe talking to someone casually. Again, that conjures up visuals that I really don't want. I was at a company Christmas party years ago. I was a supervisor and I was meeting the spouses of my employees at dinner. A female employee sitting across from me introduced me to her husband. He looked at my plate, which had only the fat I carved from my steak and said, "Are you going to eat that"? Gross and horribly inappropriate. 

Now truck drivers, on the other hand, are in a different class altogether. I have a lot of respect for what they do, because my Dad was a truck driver for 37 years. So, I know a little about the business, and a lot about their language.

Ask most any trucker what does for a living, and he will say "I drive truck." What was that? I drive truck? It's the only profession where it's an acceptable job description. We don't even bat an eye when we hear it.

Imagine a teacher, like my all-time favorite, Judy Senter Ruben, responding to the question of what she does for a living, by saying "I teach kid." A comedian, "I tell joke." Crazy.

I remember asking my Dad how his day went. He said "I pulled Benbow in 3rd double under." I said, "That's awesome.", then walked away completely bewildered.

It really happened that way. I kid you not.

The Cloud!

My bank is like the cloud. I put money in and it then it's inexplicably gone.

I'm not exactly sure what the Cloud is, or exactly how it works. I'm told it's a massive hardware configuration to store items from computers and phones, so they don't get bogged down.

I don't know, but I DO know I don't like the name. I use Drop Box, and I assume it's similar. Cloud is just too mysterious for my trust. Closet? Yes! I get that. If I don't want to clutter a room with clothes and other items, I put them in the closet and retrieve the items when I need them.

I've never put anything in a cloud. Gravity would come into play, would it not? What if things fall from it? Where would you find it? Where would you even begin to look?

I'll stick with Drop Box. I've put many things in boxes, and I can always make the box bigger if I need to. I understand that concept.

You may be thinking, "What a moron!", and you'd probably be right.

Now I need to call the real cloud to find out where my money went.

Runners

The only way I would run 26.2 miles is if clown with a bloody knife was chasing me.

I just started running as a means to relieve stress, lose weight and gain strength. The stress and strength part is working. Peanut M&Ms are keeping the weight from coming off. I'm only training for a 5K,and then we'll see where that takes me. 

Most runners, I think are basically crazy. But they all have reasons for running. Some run to relieve stress, others just had fun doing it, while others are completely addicted to it.

There is an amazing group of people that I know, who run for others who can't run for themselves. These people makeup the Hometown Heroes. This amazing group of people train for events that vary from 5K runs to Marathons, and more.

They train for months at a time, in Utah, beginning in November. They brave the elements; freezing temperatures, snow, ice, etc.; so they can raise money for The Huntsman Cancer Foundation.

These selfless people work very hard for various reasons. Some are cancer survivors, others have lost loved ones to this horrid disease, while others deeply believe in the cause.

The Heroes raise hundreds of thousands of dollars each year to fight cancer, and it's not through pledges based on how many miles they run. Between runs, they seek donations any way they can. They are dedicated!

Led by Elfi Ortenburger and assisted by Rick Ortenburger, her husband, Elfi never asks for or receives a dime for her endless work training new and experienced runners, planning the training routes and distances for each, not to mention running and fundraising too.

The Ortenburgers are great friends, and great people, as well. You can help this great cause by either running or volunteering to help out, if you live in Utah, or by donating through the organization, wherever you are.

Go to their website: http://www.huntsmancancer.org/giving/huntsman-cancer-foundation/events/huntsman-hometown-heroes and see how you can help. 

We've all been touched by cancer, now you can help in the effort to wipe it out! 

Oh, but I'm serious about the clown.

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Dreams of a Boy

When I was a kid, I dreamed of the good life.houses, cars, money, women. Then I got married and blew the whole thing.

Obviously, a joke. The truth is, I've been married 4 times. I know! After the third wife, who started doing meth, the night before the wedding, I decided that was it. No more. Her family told me afterward, that her first marriage ended the same way. Information that might have been helpful eight months earlier!!

I won't mention who she is, or from where she's from. That would be unkind. I'll only say her name is Sandy Beckmann, and she lives in Fredericksburg, Texas.

Now George Clooney has the right idea. He's living the life. Now people are saying he's gay, just because he hasn't married. They spread the same rumors about Rock Hudson... Uh oh...

I wound up with 3 wonderful children, and bad credit. The children and grandkids make it all worthwhile, except for the one from Texas.