Nose Arthritis!

I've heard people say, "Don't get your nose out of joint", which makes me wonder if some people get arthritis in their nose.

I've always been under the assumption that the bridge of the nose is comprised of mostly cartilage. So then how can you get it out of joint? Is there really a joint in our noses? Is it possible to dislocate your nose?

Of all body parts, I think the nose and the butt are the most strange. The nose, apparently can wander off on it's own because I often hear people tell others to keep their nose to themselves, or to keep their nose out of everyone's business. Since the nose is unable to hear, I'm guessing it goes off to smell other people's business, whatever that means.

Why not say, keep your ears out of my business? That makes much more sense to me. Then there's the term "nosy". I'm guessing it relates to the same thing. Clearly, we are very confused about how parts of the anatomy function.

Ok, now for the butt. I won't talk about it's function. That would be gross. Except for the sitting down part. Imagine how difficult it would be to sit without one. How would you even do that?

The fascinating thing to me, is to hear people say things like, "Get your butt over here!" Um, that's not possible, unless you bring the rest of your body with you. Or, "I saved your sorry butt." Really? Just my butt? And can it really be sorry? Apparently, the butt is considered the single most important body part.

I think I'm going to buy some of those fake butts people get at Halloween, so the next time someone tells me to get my butt over somewhere, I'll just toss one of those and be done with it. If someone says they saved my butt, I'll toss one to them and say we're even.

See you tomorrow.

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Breakfast of Champions!

In my mind, Fruit Loops sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.

I find it interesting that when I was a kid, we all had cereal that were loaded with sugar. Sugar Smacks, Coco Puffs, Sugar Pops, etc. Our cereals tasted great and didn't make us fat!

Now days, most of the sugary goodness has been replaced by sugar substitutes and the cereal just doesn't seem to taste as good. And get this - childhood obesity is at an all time high.

While I'm certain that artificially sweetened cereals aren't to blame, after doing much research on nutrition systems like Paleo, also known as the cave man diet, low carb/high fat and more, it seems that foods that are processed and filled with toxins and preservatives may be to blame, at least as food is concerned.

Exercise is a whole other topic. You would think that with all of the soccer, football, baseball, basketball, tennis and cheerleading that kids are into today, obesity in kids would be on the decline.

Some people blame video games, and I think there's a reality there. I'm not sure about parents who let their kids play these games non-stop. Maybe the video game has become the babysitter, once they grow out of the Sesame Street age.
If we opt for the easy way out, how damaging will that be to the kids? I'm just as guilty as the next person. When I was divorced, I became the McDonald's dad. It was quick, easy and I knew they loved McDonald's. There was even a playground! Awesome?

Not so much. I taught them horrible eating habits, which have taken them years to beat. My fault. I was tired. What parent isn't? It's a tough job. I wish I could jump into Doctor Who's Tardis and go back for a do-over.

I'm fortunate that they have beaten the monster, with moderation being the key element in controlling weight. Some will still argue about the sugary cereal, but maybe if it were combined with moderate exercise, video games and more activities, the problem wouldn't be so huge. Please pardon the pun.

See you tomorrow.

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Share THIS!

If you have a Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Son, Daughter, Grandma, Grandpa, Neice, Nephew, First Cousin, Great Aunt that you love, like and share this. Otherwise, you don't care.

I have to tell you, I hate those commands to guilt me into compliance. I still see some that tell me that if I don't share, something bad will happen to me. Thanks for the death threat, but no thanks.

People share wonderful, funny and oftentimes inspirational pictures and videos. I love them. But I really don't understand the need to post something and tell others to post it too.

Sometimes its about something really important, like a missing person or pet. Those I get. Or for cancer awareness. Wonderful! But the frivolous other ones? Of course I love my Mother! I certainly don't need to prove that to her by sharing something that someone else posted. Isn't that kind of a cheap way of telling someone you care?

I also love my children, siblings, veterans and those family members and friends who have passed on before me. I know people who have become horribly depressed by reading these seemingly harmless posts, because the pain is too fresh.

I've spoken with others who have had a very hard time fighting through the pain of their loss, only to have the wound opened again by reading one of these well intentioned posts, encouraging them to share it.

You know what works better? Pick up the phone and CALL your Mother, Father, Son, Daughter, etc. Tell them first hand how much you love them, are proud of them, miss them... Whatever. It seems to me that Facebook is a wonderful way to reconnect with people, but causes us to become lazy, when it involves talking.

We wish people happy birthday on Facebook, and for many, that has taken the place of a precious, short phone call. For instance, this year, I received one call from a sibling on my birthday. I have four. Two of them sent Facebook posts and the other one never sends greetings of any kind. Our world keeps growing more impersonal as technology advances.

So, if you love someone - anyone - its my guess they would love a phone call, a Skype or FaceTime session, anything other than a Facebook post.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to forward an email to everyone I know or something horrible will happen to me.

See you tomorrow.

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Today's Wizard of Oz!

I think if I had one wish the Wizard of Oz could grant, I would choose to go back in time and invent the Chia Pet. I would be rich in the most ridiculous way possible.

Let's see, if the Wizard of Oz was set in today's world, I think the cast would look like this:

Scarecrow - Donald Sterling. The man clearly has either no brain, or the worst advisors EVER! Now before you get mad at me because he is supposedly I'll, let's remember that that report only surfaced AFTER he made an incredible idiot of himself again and again. If he really is sick, I feel badly for him, but it still does not excuse him from his continued racist comments. I think he should sell the Clippers to Paula Deen.

Tin Man - Kim Jong-un. This man is one of most notorious villains in history. Its really not his fault. He's just following in his Daddy's footsteps. Took over the family business.

He went way too far last December, when he had his own Uncle executed and, although first reports said that the Uncle was stripped down and fed to 120 hungry dogs was not likely true, still, the guy had his Uncle killed. The man has no heart.

Arguably, he might have also been a candidate for the Cowardly Lion, but his heartless behavior left me no choice.

Dorothy - Pat Roberts, a Senator representing Kansas. In an interview, the three-term senator admitted that he did not have a home of his own in Kansas. He's been using a Country Club's address as his home address.

How embarrassing it must have been when the media caught wind of that fact. You'd think he would know that it would eventually became news, but he didn't. He could also be a strong candidate for the Scarecrow, with no brain, but I can't think of anyone who would like to go back to Kansas and buy a house.

Former Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban spent most of the second half of the 2006 NFL season denying he had any interest in the head coaching position at the University of Alabama. Two weeks before the season ended, Saban denied rumors that he was going to be the University of Alabama coach, leaving the Dolphins hanging in the wind.

Within hours of the end of the season, Saban was being introduced as the next head coach of the University of Alabama. Cowardly way to handle things. I'm certain there are many other candidates, but I'm a Dolphin fan and it is my blog, so I cast Saban as the Cowardly Lion.

And finally, the Wizard himself. Bill Clinton. Despite all of his extra curricula activities, lying about them, virtually destroying Monica Lewinsky (who was certainly not innocent, but too young to have her life destroyed) and a near divorce by Hilary, he came out smelling like a rose and is well respected today. Monica, on the other hand, is 40 now, and can't even find a job.

See you tomorrow.

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Crazy Comedians!

The line between comedians is very, very thin in relation to pure, unadulterated lunacy. Some of my friends and I made the crossover some time ago.

Comedians are a completely different breed. Why in the world someone would want to get up on stage and attempt to tell jokes that makes strangers laugh is beyond me. Especially when your brand new at it, and you bomb every night.

You would have to be crazy, right? I've done it, along with tens of thousands of others. And I still have no clue why I kept going back to get three minutes of stage time at midnight or after. But I did. There was just something about it that I can't explain. The draw was so strong, I just couldn't get it out of my mind.

I was completely and totally hooked. And it really wasn't fame and fortune that caused me to keep getting back on stage. I think if I could figure out why we do this, I could write a book about it and make millions. The problem is, I just have no idea what the motivation is.

Hence, the lunacy. We are just completely nuts. After more than 25 years in the business, I'm more certain about that than I was when I first started. I think most of my comedian friends will agree. We all know we're insane.

Just the process of writing material that will make strangers laugh is crazy. Robert Klein, the famous comedian probably put it best: when he said, "Its one thing to make your friends and family laugh, but its entirely different when you have to make strangers laugh, for an hour, tonight."

For those of you who have ever attempted comedy at an open mic night, you know how scary it can be. Just you, a stage and a microphone. There is no one else to blame if you tank. In improvisation or in a play, there are other people on stage and everyone must do their part in order for it to work perfectly. However, if someone messes up, there are others on stage who can pick up the slack so the audience doesn't know there was ever an error. We don't have that luxury as comedians.

There are so many elements that must fall in place. For example, what do you do when someone begins to heckle? What happens if you lose your place in your set? What happens if one of the wait staff spills their whole tray of drinks? What do you do if you're scheduled to perform and you're sick? The show must go on!

I have performed when I was so badly injured that I was totally doped up on percocet. It was for a private corporate gig, and I don't remember anything I said. They must have liked it, however, because they invited me to come back again the next year. Who, other than a crazy person, would do that?

I'm telling you, I cross that line many, many years ago. There are some of you for reading this right now, who are thinking to themselves that they should give it a try. For those people, beware! There's no turning back!

See you tomorrow.

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Exercise With Caution!

I'm told if I eat right and exercise, I'll add 10 years to my life. If I could choose the decade to extend, it would be great, but why would I want to extend my life at the end when all I can eat is soft food and wear depends?

I think if I could relive a decade, I would choose my junior and senior years in high school. I  loved those years, at least at school I did. Let's see, 8 more to go.

Definitely 1979, 1982 and 1987. Those were the years my children were born. I wouldn't give up those years for anything! That leaves 5 more years from which to choose.

I would have to pick 1998, the year Heather and I married, leaving only 4. I would also choose 1989. I was finally breaking through in my comedy career, and though that year brought on much heartache, I would still relive it. After all, the San Francisco Giants were in the World Series, too.

I already chose 1998, but I would have to throw in 1999 and 2000, because those were also the times I spent with my Dad and got to know him so well.

That leaves two, so I would have to choose the years two of my children were married. I wish I could choose each year one of my grandchildren were born, but all I have are 10, and since the grandkids would not be here without the marriages, have to go there.
Plus, I got to officiate my son's wedding, which I can't even begin to explain what that was like. What an amazing day that was! There were so many other milestones, like the first time a cop tried to pull me over and I got away. Also the second and third times.

I guess technically those would fall under my junior and senior year. Yahoo!  Let's see... I think 1975 would be another. That was the year I finished college and became a pastor. That was a good year. Hmmm, one more...

I'm going to choose 1997, the year I got my morning radio show. I had so much fun doing the show, and it was the top radio show in the region for all three years! I left because I hated the business end of broadcasting. Those of you who have been in that business know what I'm talking about. Ugh.

There are many more I would choose from if I had more years with which to choose; like every marriage I was so fortunate to officiate, all with bride and grooms that I love.

I would certainly choose the times when each of my children worked through our difficulties and reconciled. I feel blessed to have a good relationship with each of them. Very blessed.

I would also choose the years in which I  "adopted" several young men as sons. Austin Beckmann, Matt Pennington and Spencer Harber. I really love those young men and I feel extremely fortunate to have been able to play a significant role in their lives.

There are so many moments. The year I met my two closest friends, Keith Stubbs and Ron Ruhman. That was many years ago and we're still very close friends.

But, in my 80's? No thanks. I'll be drooling in a cup by then, not even knowing what day or month it is. Kind of like now.

See you tomorrow.

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