Stupid Is as Stupid Does!

A California attorney has been fined $3,000 for zapping a witness with a trick pen during a Utah trial over whether electrical currents from a power plant are harming cows. Fourth District Judge James Brady this week ruled Los Angeles-based lawyer Don Howarth's conduct amounted to "battery of a witness." Battery? Heh heh heh.

Seriously? I have several questions about this guy. What was he thinking? Did he think nothing would happen to him? If he really wanted to make a point, I think he should have zapped the judge. Knucklehead.

As an attorney, you'd think he might find a better way to prove his point. I wonder if the witness can now sue the attorney. I would think so. I learned the hard way not to clown around while under oath.

In the '90s, a woman in a new Nissan Maxima ran a red light and T-boned me in my 1985 Nissan Sentra. She won. Her car was barely damaged, while mine was totaled. She smashed into my car directly into the driver's side door.

I was in severe pain in my ribs, neck and right knee. I was having trouble breathing. You would think the uninjured motorist would at least come and check on me to see if I was ok. She didn't. In fact, she didn't even get out of her car.

The police, fire truck and ambulance arrived within minutes and they started the process of getting me out of the car. When I was finally in the ambulance, being fed pain killers through the IV in my arm, a police officer handed me a clip board to sign a  citation because they couldn't find my insurance card.

I didn't care. The fact is, I would have signed anything to get out of there and to the hospital. I had no time for this nonsense. I owned a production company at the time, and the largest source of income came from teaching stand up comedy classes. My partner was teaching the beginners, while I taught the advanced students.

I was on my way to teach my class when the accident occurred. I was released from the hospital several hours after arriving. By now, the participants had learned what happened and came over to my house to see if I was ok. I had broken ribs, whiplash and a sprained knee.

I never missed a class. For several weeks, I taught it in my living room, while lying on the couch. I was crazy. I should have taken some time off to heal, but I didn't. Nuts.

I didn't want to sue the woman, but when she contested the police report where the only two witnesses said that she definitely ran the light, it pushed me over the edge. First, she didn't care about injuring me and now was attempting to weasel out of being responsible for the wreck? I don't think so.

I sued her. It never went to court. There was a deposition I had to attend to testify. During the questioning by the opposing attorney, he asked me if I took any precautionary steps to avoid impact. I told him, "Well, I put my beer down. I normally drink a 12 ouncer, but this one was 16, so I needed to put it down." Her attorney snapped his head up instantly and my attorney told the advocate in charge that I was a comedian making a joke and if there was alcohol involved, it would have been in the police report.

He then asked for a short recess, and chewed me out royally for joking around while under oath. I apologized and we went back in. Her attorney had decided to settle by then, so now the only question was how much they were going to shell out.

Her attorney asked me if there was anything I was unable to do following the accident. I told him I couldn't play the concert piano. He asked me if I used to play the piano professionally. I said, "No, I've never played the piano in my life, but you asked if I couldn't do anything now and that is one thing I know I can't do."

My attorney kicked me in the shins under the table. I ended up with $10,000  after paying the medical bills and attorney fees. Like I said, crazy.

So, zapping a witness? Maybe not so nutty after all.

See you tomorrow.

Click here to check out my books on Amazon.com. Now available in Kindle format!

Connect with me on Facebook and Twitter!

Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott