Getting Older!

Tomorrow, I'll be 58 years old. There are 3 things that indicate I'm getting older: 1. loss of memory 2.

I've heard it said that getting older is not for wusses. I used to firmly believe it. I still believe it, but nothing about me is firm anymore. A lot of people kind of give up on getting into shape at my age. I worked really hard to get into shape and I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm shaped like a pear.

I remember going to "all you can eat buffets" when I was younger, and really getting my money's worth. Now when I go to one of them, it seems like such a waste, because I can only eat one plate of food. They mock me. I see the younger people in the restaurant and I think, "punks".

I need to find someone who is willing to switch bodies, like in all of those movies, like" Freaky Friday", only with dudes. I don't think I'd like to switch bodies with a woman. I would have a complete melt down. Makeup, dresses, doing my hair every day, and, you know, all of that other stuff. Plus, I don't know how to be the boss anymore. I've been married too long.

If I could switch bodies with anyone, I think it would be with the guy who works at the La-Z-Boy store. I can't think of a better job. There is no better way to sell comfort than to be asleep in a recliner as people come in.

Sleep as part of the job description? Count me in! I can sleep with the best of them. I'm that good. I know people who have difficulty sleeping as they age, but I'm fortunately not one of them. I can sleep anywhere  anytime, for a long time. In fact, I'm going to take a nap as soon as I finish this blog.

I guess it's a bright side of this illness. Chronic fatigue. I refuse to see the downside. It simply means that I get more sleep than the average Joe. I can deal with that. Sleep is good. It helps you heal faster, plus you can have great dreams any time of the day.

I wish we could choose the dreams we have. That would be cool. I could be anything or anyone! And, I could eliminate all of the bad junk that might come with the dream. I could own the Clippers and not be a racist. I could be Donald Trump and shave my head. I could be Dan Marino and actually win a Super Bowl.

In any case, I embrace growing older. I intend to have as much fun as I can possibly can. I don't think I'll do what is expected of an old man. That would be way too boring. Maybe I'll sky dive. Heck, maybe I'll just dive in the ocean. The possibilities are endless. Of course this would all happen during naps. I'm not crazy.

See you tomorrow.

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Play Ball!

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/05/28/baseball/

Obesity!

Scientists say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. They are ingested by cheeseburgers and pizza.

Somewhere between the time I was a kid and now, the American Medical Association decided to change the rules, labeling those of us 20 - 30 pounds overweight as obese. Absurd!

According to their charts, I should only weigh 175 pounds. That's ridiculous. Several years ago, I dropped 75 pounds and ended up at 185 pounds. I looked and felt terrible. Everyone thought I looked gravelly ill. So, I tried to put on 15 pounds, but didn't stop. So now I need to lose about 25 pounds.

At 200 pounds, I look and feel well. But according to those stupid charts, I will still be 25 pounds overweight - and obese! Are you kidding me? What am I, a super model? My doctor tells me to avoid the scale and only pay attention to how loose my clothes become. So I think I can avoid dieting by buying bigger clothing.

Diets are ridiculous. My last doctor wanted me to get down to my original weight, but that's 6 pounds, 5 oz. Insane! That's why he's my former doctor.

Dieting is a huge business. There are so many products on the market, all claiming to be the miracle of weight loss. The problem is, many of the so called miracle products have turned out to be completely ineffective or damaging to your health. There just isn't a magic pill.

Years ago, there was a weight loss product called Aydes. You know where I'm going with this, and I swear it's true. After the disease got it's name, the diet company went belly-up.

How could you have a diet plan called Aydes after a horrific disease sounds exactly like your product? Can you imagine being the CEO of that company when he first heard about the disease? WHY AIDS?!?! Seriously, that was the ONLY NAME AVAILABLE?!? I think that guy probably wound up in the looney bin.

A healthy diet and exercise is the best way to get into shape. We all know that. The problem is that even when I get in shape, I'll still be technically obese. Ugh.

See you tomorrow.

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Good Idea!

I wish I could have a good idea. That way, everyone would say, "Hey! There's the guy with that good idea!" I think I would like that.

The evolution of innovation is fascinating to me. It seems like only yesterday, my brothers and sister were using a couple of tin cans and some string to communicate. Now, it seems like every kid has a cell phone.

We had skateboards, but they weren't very stable. If you weren't getting road rash a couple of times a month, you just weren't doing it right. Now there are guys making buckets full of money doing amazing things on a skateboards. I consider myself a pioneer. I literally "paved the way" for these guys.

Home computers were still decades away from becoming the new reason for dogs to eat kids homework. Heck, we didn't even have calculators then. We had to do math with formulas on paper or, in my case, sit close enough to someone who did.

My favorite toy was a yo-yo. I didn't go anywhere without it, until my mom took it away. It was a Duncan yo-yo, and the original string lasted a long time. One day, it broke so I went to the toy store and bought Duncan replacement strings. The replacement strings didn't last long at all.

I went through all six strings in a matter of weeks. Ridiculous. I sent a letter to Duncan, complaining about the quality of the replacement strings. They sent me a letter of apology, along with a lot of strings. Cool!

I put a string on and started doing one of my favorite tricks, "around the world". In hindsight, it was probably not a good idea to attempt it in the house. Just as I started swinging the yo-yo around to do the trick, the string snapped and I watched the yo-yo disappear through the large closed window in the kitchen. Goodbye yo-yo and the ability to sleep on my back for a while.

I still have a couple of yo-yos. I think I'll dig them out today and see if I can still do some tricks... Outside. I think it would be far worse to have my wife take it away, than my mother. I could no longer plead ignorance. I would have to rely on the fact that I'm still 10 years old, mentally. I would get no argument from her, but I would still be without a yo-yo.

I also loved my slinky. Not the cheap plastic knock off toys you see today. We had metal slinkys. They would last forever and if you had stairs in your house, it was hours of fun.

Over time, the slinky would get stretched out and become a weapon. You could easily trip unsuspecting passers-by with a stretched out slinky. Just one more way of getting into big trouble with a small toy. You can still buy metal slinkys in the gift shop at "The Cracker Barrel" restaurants.

See you tomorrow.

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