Totaled!

Today has already started out rough. This morning I ran out of Total, so I had to eat 13 bowls of Shredded Wheat.

As a matter of fact, I don't get breakfast at all. Last week, I made some Quaker Oats, you know, with that old guy's picture on the front of the box. I thought, "Wow, how long has this guy been missing?" He's been on that box for a long time. They should just declare him dead and move on. They thought they spotted him last week, but it turned out to be Barbara Bush.

Somehow, eggs became the official breakfast food in America. I really don't know why, but I'm pretty sure there was a farmer involved. He drops into bed late at night, then wakes up to a rooster crowing at 4:30 in the morning. I guess the best way to get even is to eat their young.

It really is a bizarre world we live in. Yesterday, I saw a sign in a car window that read "For Sale by Owner". I thought, who else? "For Sale by Car Jacker" wouldn't work. Like some morning you wake up and say, "Honey, we're running a little low on cash this week. Let's sell the Henderson's Buick."

Come on, it's ridiculous out in our world. They still have to write "Do Not Eat" on those little moisture packets in your new shoes. I picture some knucklehead opening the box and thinking, "Hey, look, a bonus!" It's always the first thing I look for in a shoe box, snacks. Let's face it, if someone is stupid enough to eat those things, they get what they deserve. It's nature's way of thinning the herd.

I don't understand food at all. The grocery stores sell imitation crab meat. Really? Imitation crab meat? What, they couldn't find real crabs? Are they really that difficult to find? And how do they come with "imitation" crab meat. Do they hold auditions for fish who can mimic? "Hey, watch me roll in this butter. Look, I can walk sideways, too!"

And why don't they have mouse flavored cat food? They don't. They have stupid flavors for cats, like beef flavor. Who decided that cats like beef? When was the last time you saw a cat take down a cow? I've yet to see a cat gang out in a pasture saying, "Sush, you'll spook the heard. Ok, Fluffy, you go up the left side. Snow Ball, you go to the right side and rub on her legs a little. And Whitey, you jump up on her neck and do that thing where you move each paw up and down. Then we'll pounce!"

And don't get me started on coffee. Why do we drink this stuff. I do. It gives me bad breath, acid indigestion, and if I drink too much, it makes me nervous. Why is it that nothing from Columbia ever slows you down? Even the snails down there go 50 miles an hour.

Sometimes I drink so much coffee, I can't sleep. I get up in the morning, look in the mirror and see my neon red eyes staring back at me. In fact, sometimes Visine doesn't even work, so I have to use White Out. The brush feels a little weird, but it lasts all day and it doesn't chip.

See you tomorrow.

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