Urgent Care!

I saw an ad in the newspaper for one of the urgent care facilities. The ad read that you can "Call ahead for an appointment and avoid the wait!" Really? I'm not sure they really grasp the concept of "Urgent Care".

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What am I, psychic? How am I supposed to know when I'm going to have an urgent care event? Knowing me, I'm certain it will happen but, not having attended mystic school, I have no idea when or where it might be. That's why God created 9-1-1.

I read on the electronic sign out in front of one of these places that said "Walk-ins Welcome!" What if I was involved in some sort of freakish tricycle spill which rendered me unable to walk? Somehow, I think the emergency room would be a better choice.

Who understands the medical profession, anyway? Insurance plans that no one really knows how to successfully process a claim, co-pays, etc. How many times have you checked in at the doctors office and gave them your insurance card and they put everything into their computer system, then ask you what your co-pay is?

I don't even understand the medical language. Some time ago, I read that some poor schmuck was in an automobile accident, had two broken ribs and a broken ankle. The hospital reported that he was in "good" condition. Good? Really? In that case, I'm FANTASTIC! I've stopped telling people to have a good day now, because I don't want them to break their bones.

I heard a radio commercial recently for one of those clinical trials. This particular one was about depression. No lie, the guy said, "Are you depressed? Very depressed? Call our hotline now to see if you qualify for free treatment!" I'm thinking, qualify? What if I'm depressed, call, and DON'T qualify??

I think if I ever found myself in that situation, I would call and make an appointment with the Urgent Care facility.

See you tomorrow.

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Going Fishing!

One day a drunk ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole. A loud voice said, "There are no fish down there." He drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there". He asked, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the skating rink manager."

They say the worst day of fishing beats the best day of working. I agree with that to some extent. Unless its raining and/or really cold, the experience of being outdoors and viewing the beauty of a mountain stream or lake is incredible. Nothing like it.

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If you have a job that you don't like, I can see that even if you don't catch any fish, it would still outweigh the job. In fact, I knew a guy who called in sick to go fishing. He told his boss the problem was with his eyes. He said, "I just can't see myself coming in today. I'm going fishing".

But what if your job is in sales - for huge sums of money? I'm not sure I would choose fishing, unless I could close the deal over the phone. Now that would be sweet!

I had a job like that once. I was working for a cellular phone company, and had all of the major retail accounts. My counterparts spent their time driving all over Southern California every day, dropping off brochures, doing training, etc.

I had set up our collateral to be distributed through each of my clients' supply chain, so I didn't have to ever delivery brochures and I also trained a person to train new people in their stores. It was beautiful. I spent the days doing whatever I wanted because ultimately, my job was to add more subscribers every day. I did that, from a distance.

I had a cell phone, obviously, so if anyone had a problem, all they had to do was call me. I would make a couple of calls and solve the problem, then get back to whatever I was doing. Then one day I got promoted and blew the whole thing. Stupid success.

I've had many, many jobs. I'm like the Arthur Spooner of the real world. (King of Queens reference) When you're a Comedian, its sort of like that. You take a job if you want to stay in town for a while, because in-town work rarely pays enough to take care of your bills.

I must admit, outside of comedy, I would much rather have gone fishing every day.

See you tomorrow.

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Great Camping Trick

When I go camping, I always put a tuba on the picnic table. This ensures that I will have no neighboring campers.

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I love camping. It's very relaxing and serene. I can imagine being at a great campsite now. The cool, rustling breeze, unleashing the fresh aroma of pine trees...

My father loved to camp, as well. He was so mean until we went camping. He was suddenly free from the pressures of life. Two weeks of fishing, playing cards, campfires and eating trout. Awesome.

I learned to drink coffee in the mountains. I got up early, with my father every day. I actually wanted to spend time with this different, funny guy. I would take the coffee pot down to the stream to fill it with some of the best tasting water ever. My father would then put it over the fire until the water was boiling. He would then put in the ground coffee and then add some cold water, to send the coffee beans to the bottom. Then we would drink some amazing, fresh coffee. I cherish those times.

We all loved fishing, including my Mom and sister. We all became pretty good, but my father was the master. He liked to find his own way, alone. He didn't want to be held back by kids losing their hooks every five minutes. One time, he left early in the morning, and didn't return until well after dark. My  Mom was about to drive to the Rangers station to start a search party, when through the bushes he came.

Mom was livid, to say the least. She was more mad than Hillary Clinton learning about Monica. After she finished yelling at him, he showed us his catch. 52 trout! I know! I have no idea what the limit was, but I was pretty sure it wasn't 52.

Amazing. Most nights, we would play a card  game called "Oh, hell" it is a very fun game that my brothers and I play to this day, whenever we get together. Very fun.

As we moved, my father always found great campgrounds. Lots of fresh air, mountain smells and bone chilling nights. Until my youngest brother was deemed big enough to sleep in the tent, he and I slept in the back of our station wagon.

The tent we had was huge. My father bought it at an Army / Navy store. There was no floor, so we were sleeping on leaky air mattresses on the ground.

Ah, memories. My wife doesn't like to camp. We went once, but I'll get her out there again. Maybe I can trick her by going with some of our friends.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some calls to make to some of my friends.

See you tomorrow.

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