Lights! Camera! Action! Get Me Out Of Here!

I'm glad I didn't become rich and famous in showbiz. I never have the pressure of making a comeback.

Anyone who has ever been in the wacky world of show business knows just how crazy it can be. If you stay in it long enough, you're likely to do some projects that you hope no one will ever see.

Once, I got a call to play a part in a brand new game show. All I was told was to show up at a studio in Hollywood and to bring a tuxedo. I was pretty stoked about it because if I'm going to be wearing a tux, I'll most likely be the host! Sweet!

So, I arrived at the studio and was greeted by someone who called me Mr. Mabbott and escorted me to the green room, which was filled with drinks and snacks of nearly every variety. So far, so good. Since this would be a dry run of the show, I brought my friends Ron and Joey to either watch or see if there was some role they could play.

In the green room, there were quite a few people, all waiting for the producer to come in and give us scripts. We waited and waited. Nothing happened. After an hour of just sitting there, the producer came in the room with Gypsy, the most popular drag queen in Hollywood. Uh oh.

We were finally given our roles. I was to be "Bag Boy", which meant that I would hold a large canvas bag with the contestants' prizes. If the contestant won during any part of the game, they would reach in the bag and pull out a gift.

Bag Boy? Are you kidding me? But you never know where any role might take you, so I decided to play the part. Bad choice. After we were in costume and make up was applied, we were briefed about the show.

It was called "Rip a New One" and Gypsy was the host. On the set, there was a circle made of - - toilets. Toilets!! I know! It was essentially musical chairs. While the music played, the contestants would walk in a clockwise inside the circle of toilets. When the music stopped, each contestant would sit down on the toilet in front of them.

The one who ended up at the toilet at the top of the circle was the winner of the round and could either pick out a prize from my bag, or pick out an envelope held by a character called "Miss Thang". It might be something good or something embarrassing they had to do.

I already knew I wanted no part of a show where contestants had to sit down on toilets. It got worse, I swear. We stuck around while the final edits were complete. Believe it or not, they dubbed in fart sounds that played each time the contestants sat down on a toilet.

There was a grand prize winner who got to pick out a nice prize from "Miss Thang". The last thing they told us was that the pilot was going to uploaded to a satellite and they were sure someone production company would pick up the show.

I prayed that no one would, but with so many horrible shows on cable at the time, you just never knew. Luckily, no one did, but I know it's still out there somewhere and to this day, I'm scared to death it will show up on some cable show.

I couldn't wait to get out of there. They said they would be in touch with me if someone picked up the show. The call never came. Thank God. A few weeks later, I was asked to be a guest on a pilot for a new talk show hosted by a complete unknown woman who's broken English made it nearly impossible to understand what she was asking. It's not going to be a good show when the guests keep saying, "Huh"?

Like I said, showbiz can be very good at times and the weirdest thing many times.

See you tomorrow.

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