My Insane Life!

I was messed up as a kid, but not as bad as my brother. The poor guy was dyslexic and never knew it because his name is Bob.

I had a rough childhood. You know what really messed me up? Superman, the TV show. I was six years old, watching the Man of Steel. He was standing there with his hands on his hips, the bullets bouncing off his chest like they're nothing. Suddenly, the bad guy runs out of ammo, throws the gun and Superman ducks! The Man of Steel was a wuss.

Then one day the show went off the air and I asked my mother why. She told me he killed himself. I said, "How!?!? He's Superman!!

So, I started messing around with drugs. Not illegal drugs, because that's not cool, and I was six. I used legal drugs. I mixed birth control pills, valium and geritol. I called it "screwitall". That stuff was good! (Do not try this at home.)

I'm telling you, I was messed up. I even snorted Midol for a while. Well, it was the worst period of my life. And it stopped my nose bleeds, so that was good. But now they come back every month, so I'm not sure...

My whole life was a mess. I'm very stubborn, too. Just ask my ex-wives, they'll confirm that. I'm pretty sure I got the stubbornness from my old man. He was, without a doubt, the most stubborn guy I ever met.

We went to Tucson, Arizona to visit my parents and my younger brother, Fred. I was managing an automatic transmission shop at the time. My father had just bought a new Ford pickup. He told me that he paid $1,500 extra for a heavy duty truck transmission, which I knew didn't exist.

I told him that he got ripped off. He argued, so I told him I could prove it. He said ok, so we went outside to their vehicles. My mother had a Ford LTD station wagon with a powerful engine. I knew the transmission was called a "C6", the biggest that Ford made, so I also knew that his truck had to have the same one.

We looked under his truck first and I said, "Take a good look at it, Dad, that's a C6. Then we looked under my mother's station wagon and I said," See Dad, it's the same one." My father said, "Well I'll be damned. They put that heavy duty truck transmission in your Mom's car, too!" True story. Conversation over.

See you tomorrow.

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