I Love You, Man!

Man rule #6: You may only tell another man you love him by misspelling the word love and using the word "Man" after, i.e., "I luv you, man".

We men are strange characters. We can tell our children or our wives, "I love you" without fear of any repercussions, but we dare not do the same with our friends. Brothers, ok, but not friends.

Some people say that we are homophobes, but that's not true. We're just not comfortable with intimacy, even with our wives much of the time. That's one of the most common complaints that I hear from women. Before marriage, it's the fear of commitment. After marriage, it's the fear of intimacy.

Communication is another complaint. Its really a misunderstanding of how the man's mind works. We keep a close distance from most people, in general. Part of the reasoning is that we don't want the things that we talk about to come back to haunt us down the road.

Ladies, you don't forget the things we do tell you, and bank it away for a later date when it can be used against us. Or worse, you tell your friends, some of whom are married to our friends, so our friends end up hearing intimate things that we say that you think are either cute or stupid. Either way, it comes back to haunt us. Therefore, you rarely hear what we really think.

So, some of this is our fault, but mostly, it's our wives or girlfriends. Example: years ago, I was dating a very stupid woman. What can I say? She was hot. Now, before you think I'm being sexist, I believe that most women are intelligent. Not this one. Even her kids were morons, bless their hearts. One of them flunked kindergarten. How do you flunk kindergarten? Take bad naps?

I digress. She was always complaining that I never "opened up" to her. One day, I had something very traumatic happen to me. I decided I would tell her about it. During my dialogue, my eyes began to tear up a little. She said, "Oh my God, you're not going to cry, are you"? That was it. I never uttered anything of significance to her again, and she kept complaining about my" fear of intimacy".

Ladies, you have memories like steel traps. Old, rusty and illegal in many states. Sorry, its the comedian in me that doesn't have an off switch. You remember everything negative we say for a lifetime.

If my wife reads this, I've already said too much. Men, there is one more acceptable way to express your fondness to your friends. Forget the I, and just say, "Luv ya, man". Perhaps that's the safest way to say it.

See you tomorrow.

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