Goulash

Have you ever noticed that the older you get, the more junk you put in your tuna?

My daughter, Sarah, asked me that when she was young. I thought it was really funny until it occurred to me that she was calling me old.

It is undeniably true, however. When we were kids, our moms would just mix up a can of tuna with mayonnaise or miracle whip, throw it lovingly on some bread and we had our tuna fish sandwich. We were kids. We somehow didn't mind the soggy breaded concoction, most likely because we didn't care. Food was just an annoying interruption to our playtime.

Grown ups didn't see it that way. It was a nice break in the day for them, and they certainly didn't like soggy sandwiches. So, as we grow older, we'll put just about anything into the tuna to make it more interesting and less soggy. It's like every left over in fridge, mixed with tuna, becomes "tuna salad". Pizza, every vegetable that looks like it's starting to rot, garbanzo beans, everything goes in it. It's like tuna goulash, whatever that is. 

Every mom had her own variety of goulash. It was just like tuna salad, only without the tuna, add noodles and it was hot! I remember asking my mom what was in her goulash. She would just smile and say, "Oh, some of this and some of that". Somehow, as a kid, the answer satisfied me.

I think the FDA should require an inspection of all goulash dinners, just to ensure the children's health. If any ingredients were found to be questionable, mom would have to spend the night in the slammer. That would teach 'em. The conversations in the joint would be kind of funny. "So, what are you in for"?" "Murder, you"? "Bad goulash".

Only one or two trips to the iron bar hotel would convince all loving mothers to back off the goulash and just throw the crap from the fridge out. That's what happened to Martha Stewart, you know. They called it "Insider Trading", but I know the truth. She had included a recipe for goulash in her new cookbook. They needed to make an example out of her and I think it may have worked because my wife hasn't made goulash since.

See you tomorrow.

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