Battle of the Bulge

I hate time. It causes my clothes to shrink.

It's a horrible feeling when you attempt to wear one of your favorite articles of clothing - and it no longer fits, isn't it? There are very few things in life that are as miserable. Then I think, "No problem, I'll just have them let out."

I did that with a pair of slacks once. I took them to the only hearing impaired tailor in the world. I'm sure of it. She asked me what I wanted, so I leaned over the counter and quietly said, "I just need these pants let out." "What?", she yelled? I whispered the same thing again, but a little closer this time. She backed up and shouted again.

The line was pretty long, so I said it out loud this time. The woman shouted "Oh, well why didn't you say so?"  She then held my pants up to the florescent light above and yelled, "I can't do it. They've been let out as far as they can already!" I said "Give me those pants. My father is going to be very upset about his pants.", and got out of there. Very embarrassing, to say the least.

I think all clothes should be stretchy. How cool would that be? It can be done. Walk into any Walmart and you'll see it before your very eyes. I'm talking about nice clothing. Eddie Bauer, Armani, Ralph Lauren - all clothing.

No crash diets because your high school reunion is two weeks away or you're going on your first date, a wedding, funeral, your son's first ballet recital (paper head bag not included), whatever. You get the idea.

This is why I don't own a smart car. If I have to worry about whether I can fit in my car, game over. Done. Harley Davidson, here I come. You don't have to worry about a few pounds on a Harley. The costume alone will hide 20 lbs.

Look, it's not that I'm obese, although my doctor says I'm borderline. I'm 20 lbs from looking like a stud (in my brain). Seriously, if I hover around 200 lbs, at 5' 10". That's a 36-38 waist. I'll take it. If they were stretchy, though, 36 all the way. Splendid.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I see a pair of sweat pants that are perfect for a Saturday.

See you tomorrow.

Get Jerry's hot selling books here!