Helium

I used to drive a helium truck. A road raged motorist threatened me, so I lifted my truck over my head. No more rage.

Helium is fun. There are so many things you can do with it, all of them fun. The obvious, inhaling it, to talk like a munchkin; but much more.

Birthday parties wouldn't be the same without it, although I've always wanted to see the helium put inside the cake instead of the balloons. Can you imagine?

I'm laughing my head off right now just thinking about the cake flying around the room or if the party is outside watching the cake rise out of sight. Also realizing that at some point the cake will have to come down and who knows what kind of havoc would ensue with raining cake.

There was a guy not long ago who strapped some weather balloons filled with helium on to a lawn chair and lunch himself. I assume he landed safely because I didn't see anything on the news about this knucklehead hitting the ground. Seriously, what were the chances of a safe landing? Suicide by helium?

I've heard that there is no helium inside the human body. I disagree with that slightly. I think every congress woman and man has plenty of helium because they say things that just sort of float out into the air and disappear.

I think we should be able to give in-laws enough helium to fly away when you don't want to have them over and they show up anyway. Not just in laws however. The rules should also apply to any unwanted guest.

I believe that all underwear should be filled with helium. That way they'll never fall unexpectedly. The only problem with that theory is that you would also be giving yourself a wedgie all the time.

The best use for helium still is inhaling. Timing is everything. The next time a bill collector calls and is trying to be very serious, inhale some helium beach time you answer him. Now, would be funny. How about making some random calls after inhaling helium? That would be fun.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some phone calls to make.

See you tomorrow.