Lance Armstrong

I can tell this is going to be a better year. I already have as many tour de France victories as Lance Armstrong.

I think it's good that he was stripped of his victories. He is not only a cheater, but a bully, as well. He's only apologizing because he was caught, and there was nothing left for him to do.
If there's one thing I've learned through all of this, it's to never trust anyone who does lots of charity work. I'm kidding, of course, but I wonder if it just made it easier to sleep at night.

Other than being tied for the most victories, I have something else in common with Armstrong. One of my twins decided to leave home unexpectedly. Ouch. That doesn't even begin to describe the pain, as you might imagine.

Yeah, I was juicing. Orange. Every day. I awoke on a Saturday morning about 4, in excruciating pain. I thought it was just a urinary tract infections, so I waited until noon to see my doctor, who, fortunately works Saturdays.

He also thought it was a UTI, as we call it in the biz,  but just to be on the safe side, he sent me to the hospital for a sonogram. It was a female technician, so no eye contact was made. The next thing I knew, I was being wheeled into the OR, with my wife yelling in the background, "Don't worry, Honey, I'll still love you, even if you're half of a man."  It was actually quite funny.

They did everything they could, but weren't able to save the guy. Nuts! Looking back, however, I ended up having a ball. At least I didn't do it to myself, like Armstrong did. I took no steroids, especially not the anaBALLic kind. Ironic, isn't it?

Before anyone gets mad, I raise hundreds of dollars every year to the Huntsman Cancer Foundation. I'm a twisted comedian, and this is how I vent.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must make more juice.