Bleeding ears

Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.

Get my books here!

People take their karaoke seriously. They practice with their karaoke cds, and just can't wait for Thursday night to come. It's show time! They choose their songs carefully, and when it all starts, you have a group who are worse than a televised American Idol audition. Paula Abdul's head would explode.

I know it's fun for those who sing, and occasionally someone does a good job on a song. I also know that the staff has to hate everything about that night except for the tips. It's all fun until someone's ears bleed.

I think some karaoke singers think they're going to be discovered. Like talent scouts go from bar to bar, looking for that special someone who "has it". If you really think you have it, go to auditions where it's you, three producers and a piano. Then you'll know for sure.

It's just like doing stand up comedy at a  coffee shop, hoping a talent agent will happen to be popping down a latte just when you hit hit the stage. Don't get me wrong, it does happen, but not in a coffee shop.

I had been working at The Laugh Factory, the Comedy Store and the Improv in Hollywood, hoping to get discovered. I was no different than a day dreaming "Ralphy" from "A Christmas Story". What a lot down.

In 1989, I was opening for Sinbad at a convention center in Riverside, California. There were a lot of people there. I went on first, did my set and got off stage, only to be greeted by Sinbad's agent, Beverly Muse. She asked, "So, what are we going to do about your career?" I know!

This was it! My big break! I signed a contract with her, lost 30 pounds and got a chipped tooth fixed. She then sent me to her photographer for head shots. $800 for the photos and tooth. No matter. Beverly was going to make me a star!

She began "shopping" me around Hollywood. She called me and wanted me to come to her office in the Hollywood Hills. What did she get for me? A big stand up show with Whoopi Goldberg?

When I arrived, she explained that the response she received from everyone she talked to was, "Yeah, he's funny, but we already have a Leno. We don't need another "slice of life" comic in his thirties." Pretty tough to take, but you have to have thick skin in showbiz.

So, you karaoke singers, you keep on belting out your high notes and be a star among your fans at the bar. You can't lose that way.

Today, I will use my 1989 head shot.

See you tomorrow.

More here!