Womb Service

When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. However, that all changed when I was born.

It is my firm belief that being in the womb is the best life gets. Warmth, no need for clothing or food, you can kick your mamma and astonish everyone around. In fact, they ask for encores!

When you're born, everything changes. Misshapen head, crying as loud as I can, sometimes just for the fun of it. Drives 'em nuts. Ha! That's what you get when you pull and push me out of my comfort zone.

Diapers? Don't even get me started. If you change me on time, that's okay, but if you put it off, I'm miserable and you will pay dearly. No sleep, apparently no way to calm me down. And all the while knowing that one of you has to go to work.

I smile once in awhile and, just like the kicking show, everyone is amazed. Sometimes, if I'm in a particularly mischievous mood, I'll wet my diaper right after you change me. Ha! I can pretty much get away with anything. Heh, heh, heh.

When those tricks begin to drop in popularity, I'll start making noises. Oh, they love that. The fun part is that they start imagining that I said their name. They love it! It's so easy to please them, it's like taking candy from a... Well, me!

When the noises wear thin, I start moving more frequently, building up to the crescendo of crawling. First, there's rolling over, always a big hit, then sitting up.

They even start comparing me to other babies to see who's a genius, without a clue they are being manipulated. It's awesome. Ladies hold and kiss my head, men are content if I just squeeze their finger. They tell everyone how strong I am.

Still, if I had my say, I'd be back in the womb, without having to amaze anyone. Oh well, I think I'll just see how long I can get away with being cute.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there are people to amaze. Which trick should I use?

See you tomorrow.