Dreamer

I have a recurring nightmare I hope I can one day figure out. I'm in some sort of suit, and I seem to be waiting or watching for something. There are some people on either side of me and there's music. Yes, music! Oh, and a minister. I don't know. Maybe one day...

I seem to lack the skills of choosing a life partner. I've been married four times. I know! It doesn't seem possible. I think I'm a nice enough guy, intense at times but pretty easy to get along with. I sort of roll with the flow, I think, but there may be at least four women out there who would disagree with my self assessment.

I don't know what happens. I think I fall in love, but things start going sideways pretty fast. I'm not a "put my foot down" kind of guy, and I think I let myself get run over fairly easy. Wives frighten me. I know I'm not alone in this feeling because men have been telling me that at shows for almost 30 years.

In most cases, our wives are much smaller than we are, and yet we obey their every command. They have no problem telling us what to wear, say and behave, prior to a function which we will both attend. If we tried to do the same thing, it would turn out to be an episode of "The King of Queens" and we would get our nipples twisted.

There are things that are just off limits for men to talk about. In fact, we don't even have to talk to be in the doghouse. For example, men tend to age better than ladies. That's not our fault, it just happens. I've heard about it, though, like I put some magical spell on her.

Men also tend to lose weight faster than women, so if you start a diet together, gentlemen, keep your weight loss a secret. If you don't, and you excitedly burst out your current weight loss, you're in for a long day or two. I get that. It's frustrating for anyone who is trying to lose weight with someone else and it's slower to come off than the other person, but its not their fault.

If something gets lost around the house, its the man's fault. He must have had it last and put it in some ridiculous place so that it couldn't be found. Once the item is found, it is best, guys, to just leave it alone, even if you're sure you didn't put it there.

If you snore, you need a guest room with a comfortable bed because you'll be using it a lot. I snore, but our guest room only has a futon, which is Japanese for "Get me to a chiropractor stat!" In the end, we know who's in charge.

See you tomorrow.

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