Man Card

My man card prohibits me from admitting I was wrong. And from seeking directions. And from going to the doctor. And from asking for help. And from watching chick flicks. And...

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Being a man means being a lot of things. I'm talking about untrained men. A man's man. The hunter, provider and protector. The kind of guy, let's face it, that most women want.

So, ladies, why try to change him into one of your girlfriends? You want him to show his feminine side. His feminine side? I know! He's a man! Stop trying to change him into some soft, fluffy guy that you can control.

Before you get too mad, remember that I'm a comedian, so I'm going to speak my mind with some tongue in cheek, which is a weird expression, don't you think?

Men need to be men. We need to hammer things, build things, protect you from spiders, no matter how small. We need to work, outside the home and at home. We need to fix things, even if we have no idea how to do it.

We need to be your hero. Your knight in shining armor, who will sweep you off your feet! I have to pick and choose, however. If I try the wrong thing, paramedics get involved. It happened again yesterday.

I went to the theater with my friend, Dave, to see 42 - a great movie, by the way. This theater is in a mall, so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and get Heather's mothers day gifts while I was there. Bad move. I awoke with police officers, paramedics and bystanders all staring at me and asking questions.

It takes me a while to come out of those stupid things, so I couldn't answer anything for a little while, so they always want to take me to the hospital. I never go. My vital signs are good, so if I go, the ER takes my vital signs and sends me home. Now I have an ambulance and ER bills to pay. No thanks.

I am very grateful for each of the responders. They are all heroes to me, and it's their job to get me to go get checked out. I get that. But if I did that every time, I would have to turn in my man card immediately. No doctors or hospitals unless we need something removed, repaired or reattached.

Ladies, we will fish, hunt, build, break, create... All for our women. Don't domesticate us. We'll all regret it in the end.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I see a toaster that I need to take apart.

See you tomorrow.

"You're Funny! You Should Be A Comedian! " Congratulations to Bengt Washburn, an alumni of Jerry's classes, for his recent appearance on" Conan"