A gaggle of kids

Women shouldn’t have children after forty. Because, really, forty children should be enough.

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I live in a state where people are encouraged to have as many children as possible. It is the land of the mini van. Soccer Moms are everywhere.

You know those stickers on the back of cars with Dad, Mom, two kids and some sort of pet? Where I live, the kids stickers go all the way around the mini van, underneath it, and just when you think it's ended, you pop open the gas flap and there's another one. I haven't seen so many pregnant women since I went to mass.

Somehow, they make it work. I have no idea how. Can you imagine having four or five little ones running around the house? The noise, the chaos, craziness and insanity? And then the activities! Soccer here, piano there, dancing here, scouts there...

Add in laundry, cooking and cleaning and I think you have the perfect storm for a nervous breakdown. That really is the norm here. I don't know how they do it. There is so much pressure on the Mothers to be super moms. There are only a few words that come to mind... Prozac, Zanesville, Paxil...

Kids are expensive, too, so they have to get really great grades so they can get scholarships. Can you imagine paying tuition for six kids? The Mom can't work outside the home, unless they get a nanny, which is rare here.

What about the poor schmuck who has four daughters, close to the same age? He's got to be thinking not only of college, but what about weddings? I can't imagine. I think I would tell them that the only way anyone goes to college is by scholarship.

I might even suggest a trade school. "Melissa, welding is fun!" Then maybe a trip to Las Vegas in the mini van, pointing out all of the lovely wedding chapels. "Look, girls, you can get married by Elvis!" Then there's the reception. I think I would do two things. Never let them attend a reception prior to their own, and teach them that the best receptions serve popcorn and water.

I'll be willing to take the flack when they attend a friend's reception and find out how things should really be. At least I'll have the money to go into hiding until the heat blows over.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's lots of popcorn and travel plans to be made.

See you tomorrow.

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