Modern Family!

Modern Family is exactly like The Waltons, except they don't all live in the same house, they constantly fight with each other and Pa doesn't work with wood for a living. Um, actually, forget it. They're not even close.

I love Modern Family, the TV show. The characters are hilarious, so you know the writers are crazy good. There are plots for each family in every episode, and how they intertwine reminds me of Seinfeld.

I wish I could have grown up in a family like that. My kids live in Seattle, Atlanta and Mississippi. I know! You don't think they moved that far away to distance themselves from... Ah, crap!

Let's see, if I was Jay, (the patriarch of the family) what would I do? I would set everyone up in a nice place and even supply jobs in my business. So why don't I? For starters, I don't own a business. And I'm not rich. Kinda blows that plan out of the water, doesn't it?

The only thing I have in common with Jay is having a young wife. I am 18 years older than my wife, Heather. I know! I started dating her when I was 41 and she was only 23. Looking back, I don't know why her parents didn't try to intervene. I guess love trumps the age gap.

Heather is also a comedian, and a good one. People assume that all we do is exchange witty, sarcasm at each other. Nope. We rarely do that, although she blurts out some very, very funny lines every now and again. I don't. Her act involves a lot of spontaneous crowd interaction, which mine doesn't.

My act has audience participation built in, but I generally know what the responses are, so it seems more spontaneous than it really is. So, I rarely make her laugh at home. Come to think of it, in 16 years, I think she has only laughed at one of my new jokes twice. That's just wrong.

Only one of my children is a comedian and improv player, although the other two could if they wanted to. Cecilee, the one in Seattle, lives and breathes the arts, performance and canvas. She is an incredible artist.

My other daughter has her hands full with three kids, so that's more than a full time job. My son, Eric, is the pastor of a church, so squeezes in some jokes in his sermons.

Mostly, Sarah and Eric are practical jokers. Eric used to do anything to embarrass me in public. Once, we were in a grocery store and there was an employee very close to us. Eric suddenly yelled very loud, "No, I don't care what you do to me, I'm never going to steal from you again!" What was I supposed to do?

He would also cower when I would try to put my arm around him. You can imagine what people thought. Sarah and Eric were a great team, as well. They spent the weekend at the condo I where I lived with a roommate. I sent Eric to the grocery store next to the condo to buy some instant coffee. He came back with decaf. I had specifically told him to get the coffee with the red lid, not the green.

I sent him back to get the regular coffee after having a discussion with Sarah and Eric. They said that I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the decaf and regular coffee. They were going back to their mother's house that night and I had to leave for a little while to do a gig. I asked them if they wanted to go with me and their response was, "Do you have anything new?" They stayed home.

That next morning, my roommate and I were cleaning the kitchen and noticed a strong citrus smell. Then he noticed some brown spots on a sponge. We finally put two and two together (I'm not sure what that phrase means) and determined that the kids had switched the coffee containers.

In the process of the switch, they spilled some, hence the brown spots on the sponge. Then they realized the strong smell of the coffee would reveal their prank, so they sprayed the orange scented air freshener to mask the coffee odor. By the time we figured out this prank, I had downed a cup of the decaf and it did taste the same.

They called me to ask if I had figured out their prank. I had to give them props for their elaborate plan, and that they were right. I really couldn't tell the difference between the two coffee blends. Kids one, Dad zero.

See you tomorrow.

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