Jerry Mabbott's Blog

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We went to the zoo yesterday. What a let down. It was in a trailer park and they had only one animal. A shitzu. Rip off. http://jerrymabbot...

Some people call me crazy. I know! I don’t like that word. I prefer “Mad as a March hare.” http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/02/16/im-not-crazy/...

I think if I were being mugged, instead of yelling “Help!”, I would yell, “Free Donuts!” because who doesn’t love a free donut? http://jerr...

Never give Valentine's cards unless you're REALLY in love with the person. Every card is like "You're my soul mate, I could...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats it, shoots the waiter, and walks out. The owner yells for him to stop. ...

Me: Do you have ADHD? Friend: I don’t think… Wanna go for a run? Http://jerrymabbott.com

Brian Williams is a very funny guy. So he lied about getting shot down in a helicopter. Haven't we all? I certainly was. I joined the Ar...

I was walking along with my "worlds best friend" coffee mug when Kanye West walked up and slapped it outta my hands Screaming ...

They say that “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. If that’s the case, I must not be in love with my wife. http://jerrymabbott.co...

This morning I wished my wife a happy anniversary. She reminded me that it is tomorrow. We’ll have a happy anniversary tomorrow, but now I’m...

A new business owner’s friend sent flowers for the opening, but the card read “Rest in Peace”. The angry owner called the florist, who said,...

Two English biscuits were at the Pearly Gates, but Saint Peter said there was only room for one of them. He let them plead their case. The f...

It was dinner time on an Air France flight from Los Angeles to Paris. The flight attendant moved down the aisle, she asked one of the passen...

Crickets are really cool little creatures. I love to listen to them at night, unless I’m doing my act. http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/30/t...

I think it would be funny if the girls on the bachelor had to take polygraphs with the bachelor in the room. It would certainly speed up the...

It was so cold in Idaho this past weekend, there were ice cycles inside  the house! http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/26/ice-cycles/

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go fishing today. I said "Really? Isn't that your anniversary?" He said, ...

The term Super Bowl should be changed to Super Balls this year. http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/22/hey-my-footballs-are-leaking/

Heather and I went to an art gallery recently. I overheard a woman, staring at a painting which was abstract. Lots of colors with no discern...

I’m 18 years older than my wife and sometimes her name slips my memory. Once, I used the wrong name. I ended up losing 30 pounds with my jaw...

"My friends and I decided to celebrate Martin Luther King day, but we, being the idiots that we are, went to the Cracker Barrel" ~...

Note to self: Never again check to see if an electrical outlet is working by inserting two ends of a paperclip. http://jerrymabbott.com/201...

Yesterday, I went to get a shiatsu massage, but I accidentally asked for a shitzu massage. The guy punched me in the face for a half hour. M...

Once, during a job interview, the guy asked me if I had ever taken illegal drugs. I joked, "Only on Tuesdays, because every other day o...

Women think "Sleepless in Seattle" was a romantic movie. I disagree. Clearly, she was stalking him and therefore the movie should ...

Heather and I were sitting in the living room discussing a living will. I said, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative stat...

Last night I dreamed that I was on a sinking ship. I was freaking out. Turns out I just had a hole in my air mattress. http://jerrymabbott....

This season, the producers of “The Bachelor” decided to increase the number of contestants to 30, up from 25. One man surrounded by 30 women...

If I were going to bury a time capsule, I think I would include a jack-in-the-box, open, with the lid to the box holding the clown down. Whe...

Last night, the doorbell rang at 3 am. I ran to the door and discovered a slightly drunk guy asking me for a push. I told him to wait until ...

My wife is a runner. She’s not very fast, though. She almost escaped from me three times. http://jerrymabbott.com/2015/01/03/run-forrest-ru...

Marty McFly, in “Back to the Future II”, promised us hover boards among other things, but most of all, time travel! Where is it?? http://je...

Well, its here. 2015. Kinda feels like yesterday, except I'm exhausted from celebrating the arrival of the New Year. http://jerrymabbot...

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/30/happy-new-year-i...

I met a guy at a Christmas party this year, and asked about his year. He said, “I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great ...

Note to self: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/2...

Yesterday was exhausting! My computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking. Ugh. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/23/exhausted/

Yesterday, I pretended that it was Sunday, the Dolphins won and I didn’t have to work this week. It was fun. Wait… That’s all true. Now I ha...

I think it would be funny if Popeyes fried their chicken in Olive Oil. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/21/popeyes-chicken/

I think the computer in my car runs on Windows because the car keeps crashing. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/20/back-up-back-up/

The North Korean hack scandal has Sony and the rest of the entertainment world reeling. I think we should send Dennis Rodman over to smooth ...

I was arrested yesterday for the first time in my life. A jerk tried to give me a Christmas greeting, so I decked him. I don’t like being ca...

“I think that I shall never see, something as ugly as a dead Christmas tree.” ~ me http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/16/another-dead-christma...

A foreigner who couldn’t read English approached me at the ATM I was using and asked me to help him check his balance … so I pushed him over...

"I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree!" Classic Chevy Chase line just before the tree bursts forth in every direction, br...

After being stuck in a muddy road, a guy paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. He told the farmer that at tho...

Santa’s not coming to our house anymore. There’s only room for one jolly fat man around here. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/11/oh-christm...

When my son was a kid, he played so many video football games, he came down with Madden Cow Disease. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/09/pon...

This Christmas, instead of presents, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/12/07/its-only-a-matter-of-opin...

Modern Family is exactly like The Waltons, except they don’t all live in the same house, they constantly fight with each other and Pa doesn’...

A preacher noticed a little boy trying to ring a doorbell but it was just out of his reach. The Rev walks over to help the boy. After he pre...

Recently, I have lost most of the ability to taste. I'm not sure what the problem is yet, but at least now I can eat my Mother-in-law...

The Girl Scouts announced that they will now sell cookies on line. This is going to be very confusing. Will you have to set your browser to ...

What do you get when you cross-breed BYU football and a groundhog? Six more weeks of bad football! Before I get ripped apart by Cougars, rea...

I've been searching for a Smart TV on my Smart phone, but I was contacted by the FCC, who said that someone with my IQ can only have one...

The best thing to do with Thanksgiving leftovers is make sure all of the food is secure in plastic containers, throw all of the containers a...

This day is the grocery store version of Black Friday. It gets crazy. Sometimes my wife and I get separated, but I never go look for her. I ...

I used to travel to Canada a great deal. Each time I entered the country, the customs agent would always ask me what the purpose of my visit...

Due to the number of fights that broke out last year, retailers have renamed Black Friday to Black and Blue Friday. http://jerrymabbott.com...

This weekend, I’m going to do an impression of Christopher Walken doing and impression of me. I might just be able to pull it off. http://j...

Charles Man­son, 80, con­victed of con­spir­acy to com­mit mul­tiple murders, has ob­tained a li­cense to marry 26 year old Af­ton Elaine Bu...

On this date in 1901, George Horatio Gallup, American journalist and statistician was born. At least that’s what they say. What do you think...

"Here are some people I'd like to introduce to you. I think you would make great friends. You never have to see them, help or deal ...

Last Saturday, we gave money to a guy on a street corner because his sign read, “Too ugly to prostitute”. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/03/2...

Domino's now has an app where you can just speak your order into your phone. They're the first large pizza chain who can now screw u...

People have been asking me if I’ve recovered from the illness, which includes short term memory loss. I start to talk and then say, (serious...

I think the argument about guns is ridiculous. We ought to be focused on a larger problem; Gum control. The scene from “Elf” should serve as...

My wife has suddenly become obsessed with the TV show, “How to Get Away with Murder”. I don’t sleep much these days. http://jerrymabbott.co...

You really can get most any job you want. Just lie about everything on the application, making sure you don't over qualify yourself. Ask...

A 911 dispatcher received this call last week. "Please help me, there's a cat near me." "Calm down. Unless it's a bob...

So the NFL, not satisfied with the millions advertisers pay for the privilege of hawking their wares during the game, is rumored to have dec...

As many of you know, my nephew, Evan Sebenius, collapsed and died while running a half marathon last month. On Sunday, November 2nd, hundred...

Saudi Arabia men were recently banned from selling female underwear. They were also banned from wearing them. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/...

My wife gave me a book to read to enhance our marriage. “Women are from Venus, Men are just wrong.” http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/04/09/1035...

I wish there were TV shows about cops. You know, maybe a team of some sort that might, oh I don’t know, fight terrorism. Just wishful thinki...

During fall and winter, I always seem to put on a few pounds, but I don't worry because when spring comes around, I always buy bigger cl...

Frost is weird. Sunshine is wonderful. Snow is great. Rain is delicious. But my favorite thing is pastrami. http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/10...

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This Just In: A small, single seat Cessna airplane crashed into a cemetery in Kentucky. The pilot was not hurt, but police have found 92 bod...

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/01/15/hit-men/

Typically, when a young person passes away, those who love and care for them organize candlelight vigils, set up memorial funds, etc. The ou...

http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/09/22/remembering-evan-sebenius/

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http://jerrymabbott.com/2014/09/19/stop-the-voices/

Two guys were being slowed down on the golf course by two ladies in front of them. One guy said he would simply ask the women if they could ...

I went kayaking in Florida once and capsized the stupid thing. I decided to swim back to shore, but I was afraid of alligators. I saw a guy ...

Last week, my wife and I went shopping for clothes. A lady in front of us at the checkout pulled out her wallet and a remote control. The ca...

Last year, we were burglarized in the middle of the night and never heard a thing. The guy was caught the next day and I told the cop I want...

"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."  ~Joan Rivers Joan Rivers was a controvers...

As a young comedian, I held a lot of day jobs. They never lasted because I would skip work to go to auditions. Once, I worked in a warehouse...

I'll never forget what the judge said to my ex-wife when we first walked into divorce court: "What, you again?" Obviously, a ...

My brother is a moron. He called me at three A.M. last week. I said, “It’s three in the morning”! He said, I’m sorry, I just can’t sleep. I’...

I think it's funny how I look for ways to save a few bucks by 1) buying multiple Sunday papers (at least $4) to clip coupons, 2) endure ...

A lobster and a crayfish went out to dinner. While in the restaurant, the lobster saw a buddy of his and invited him to join them. After int...